On Mormons Who Don't Follow Church Guidelines

Here's some honest thoughts for you! Let me know what you think in the comments (:

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[koseighty]

I laughed when you said "bikinis" are on the forbidden list. They were on the list decades ago when I was growing up. Then I went to France on a mission and the advice from local leaders was for women and girls to please wear both pieces of their bikinis. It was my first real taste of the differences between rules at the center of Mormondom and the "mission field."

[nathanbigler]

Hypocrisy was one of the reasons I left the church. I was tired of self righteous people telling me how I should behave

[lhall]

You just described exactly how I feel! I’ve been out of the church a really long time (we are talking decades here) excepting three different periods where I tried to “go back” for a while.

The hypocrisy and acting superior and judgment given out as a TBM (true believing Mormon) over others who weren’t secure in it or had questions, was appalling. And yet…it’s still so deeply, deeply ingrained into my childhood psyche to “judge” others according to what they do or don’t do, what they wear, etc, I have to remind myself constantly not to do it.

I have always felt I walked teetering on the fence between the Mormon outlook on life and the rest of the regular people outlook on life. Never quite fit in on either side…but I have to say the people on the “regular” side are far more accepting and less judging than the Mormons!

There’s just so much exclusion and condemnation if you’re not a member…or WORSE if you’re inactive. They are appalled that you “had God’s one and only truth” and you threw it away. No one who is Mormon wants to be friends or associate with you when you left the church.

[PutingInaKo]

For me personally, I find it messed up if you believe in the church, but don’t try to follow its policies. If you have issues with the policies, and try to change it, and then it changes, it proves god is changing and arbitrary. If you really think it is true, then be honest and try to follow it all.

If you don’t follow it, then maybe analyze why that is and deconstruct it and leave.

[sherwood]

You just put words to the entire reason why I allowed myself to question the mormon church in the first place.

With the secret lives of mormon wives show, its been interesting to see some of my family try to gatekeep what it means to be a mormon. Even though they refuse to use the term mormon to refer to themselves.
I dont quite know what I'm feeling, but I know: if I was still believing, I would be just as judgemental.

[mikerhodes]

I hung out with a couple in the 90's, and I was shocked to find out they were Mormon given all the drinking parties, coffee drinking, and watching R rated movies we did. Once they had kids, they "reverted" back to being more "Mormon-like" and obedient and unfortunately, that meant they could no longer be seen with "heathens" like myself and I haven't spoken to them in years.

[Mack-ctzd]

Growing up in the 80's and 90's I observed that the Utah Mormons who did bad things, were more likely to still pass the sacrament on Sundays (hyprlocrits), but in California if someone wasn't following the church, they wouldn't hide it. We called these "Jack Mormons". It felt like the Jack Mormons had more integrity.

Looking back now I can understand the shame and the pressure and why many would do what they did.

[Phobic]

Super relatable tbh. I always surprise myself when I feel a type of way when active Mormons "break the rules." I shouldn't care, I've been out for years, and most of the time I don't even think about all the rules I'm "breaking"
But I go full shocked Pikachu when I see a Mormon shopping on Sunday, or hear them use swear words etc.

[michaelgrey]

Until I left I never relized how many active members actually shop on Sunday. I see so many!

[SteveSmith-osbs]

I was raised in the church in California and Arizona. For the 3 years I spent in Utah. I found in my own experience that in Utah church actively was really not an indicator on whether someone followed the rules or not. In Arizona, members who attended church were more likely to follow all the rules.

[stephenbethell]

The very idea of God being “offended” is absolutely ridiculous.

[niahandrus]

I’ve been struggling with this feeling too. Glad to know I’m not the only one lol

[cherylstokes]

It is the audacity of the hypocrisy from the top right down to the average member. That hypocrisy did me in. The deep dive into.the raunchy history and shady dealings came later.

[brittneykirk]

@ExmoLex, I feel the same way. Raised in the church since the 1980s, I was very strict on all the rules. I didn’t wear a tank top until I was 42 years old, didn’t drink coffee or alcohol, didn’t sport extra ear piercings. So now, when I see LDS people wearing whatever they want, and doing whatever they want, there is a twinge of jealousy that I didn’t get to do that. But at the same time, I’m happy for them that they get to live their lives.

[BrianWaller-qegr]

I’m in Utah Provo Orem area in precise.this area is becoming less lds. I see lots of beer purchases, smoking and on Sundays winco and restaurants are busy. I’ve even seen LDS members in church clothes eat at raising canes either before it’s after church

[palousetrance]

Sadly, this eye, critically ascertaining whether we're following all of the Church directives we tend to first -- and most critically -- focus on ourselves. Being a member for me felt pretty anxious, with a goal of perfectionism, trying to avoid guilt and shame, especially from other members and of course, God.

If the LDS Church claims about God and reality were true, perhaps my scrupulosity might have been worthwhile, but they are not, from my research and experience. I've been much happier since leaving, which has been difficult due to the rest of my family remaining active and occasionally being judgemental now that my concerns regarding coffee revolve around it's actual temperature rather than the Church's assertion that, like tea, it's forbidden.

As Oaks takes the reins, it will be interesting to see the tenor of his leadership. His reputation is to be critically exacting while never acknowledging the Church's faults and flaws, rather pharisaical, unlike the Jesus he seeks to emulate. I expect the exodus will continue unabated.

[duanethorpe]

I wish my mom was alive to see your site. She would have liked it. She had been raised LDS, but left the church when she was old enough.

[devreetayler]

ALL OF THIS!!! You perfectly verbalized the thoughts and feelings I've been having lately watching The Real Housewives of SLC and The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. I'm glad they're living their lives by their terms, but I want to scream, "YOU'RE NOT MORMON!" everytime I see one of them drink or not wear their garments.

[boarderdude]

I resonate with this… even though I was never Mormon. I am, however a Utah native whose mother is ex Mormon; so I experienced much of this growing up! My mom gets some of your same “twinge” feelings, even though she left the church over 40 years ago

[fairywingsonroses]

Honestly, I think the church just breeds narcisism. I remember being told growing up that I was special, that I was better than others, that I was one of the few who got to go to the highest level of heaven, etc. because I was in the church. That narrative always made me uncomfortable, especially since most of my friends growing up were non-members, but it also never stopped me from being a bit judgy and hypocritical myself. When I look back, I absolutely cringe at some of the things that I said people were stupid for doing when I was often doing those same things myself on some level (sometimes on a worse level). Leaving the church and moving out of Utah definitely gave me a better awareness of the fact that I was a self-serving prick who thought I was better than others, even though I didn't conciously prescribe myself to be like that.