54 JOKES! In Four Minutes!

Hank Green Returns to tell FIFTY FOUR MORE JOKES in less than four minutes because that is WHAT I DO! Thanks to all the Nerdfighters on Twitter who helped me out. And, of course, to the original creators of the jokes...where ever you are.

54 Jokes

1. Whats the difference between a cat and a compound sentence? One has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause?

2. What's the difference between a Tuna and a piano?
You can tune a piano, but you cannot piano a Tuna.

3 Whats the difference between the moon and Julis Caesar?
The moon is rocky and full of craters and Julius Caesar is dead!

4. Why do you think Civil Disobedience was such a fantastic essay?
Thoreau editing... Thorough.

5. What cell phones do travelling nuns use?
Virgin mobile.

6. And how come her cell phone bill was so high?
She was a Roman (roamin') Catholic

7. Why did they kick cinderella off the baseball team?
She kept running away from the ball.

8. And the mermaid, that was weird. What was she wearing in math class?
Oh yeah.. an Algae-bra

9. Why was the sand wet?
Because the seaweed... The sea... it wee'd

10. What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder?
Uh, he got a little behind in his work.

11. My pastor, he ate too many beans. He had in his own pews.

12. The defendant is accused of putting dynamite into a steer. Abominable! [A Bomb In a Bull]

13. I'm sorry we can't let the elephants back into the public pool. They keep dropping their trunks.

14. What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?
Stop! You're under a vest.

15. Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns... they always take things literally.

16. When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check... It said.. Nah, I'm traveling light.

17. Ah, I had a great boomerang joke... It'll come back to me.

18. So the Pillsbury Doughboy's pants fell off and I.. feel really weird about donuts right now.

19. What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?
Quark!

20. The stormtrooper was enjoying the Wookie steak, but it was a little Chewie.

21. That girl said she knew me from the vegitarian club, but I'd never seen herbivore [her before]

22. Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages? Because they had so many knights.

23. Where do you get whales weighed? At the Whale-weigh station.

24. Name four men that are in a rock group together but none of them sing nor play music... Mt Rushmore. They're a rock group.. it's a rock...group

25. [sings] I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

26. The oddly pleasant feeling of looking down on a physist as they drink the last of their beer. The strange charm of a top down bottoms up.

27. How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

28. A man goes to a zoo and discovers there is only one animal and it's a dog. It was a Shih Tzu

29. What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs? [A Condesending con descending]

30. What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet? Aye, Aye, Arr and the Seven C's

31. PMS jokes are not funny... [Period]

32. So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks... Does Boston stop at this train?

33. A Bhuddist monk goes to a hotdog stand and says make me one with everything.

34. Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub? It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.

35. How do you make Holy water? Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.

36. Interesting story, the guy who helped me learn algebra never farted around anyone. I mean he did say he was a private tutor.

37. My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart. It was like love meant nothing to her.

38. Ever since I got punched in the nose by that clown I've smelled funny.

I HAD TO CUT SOME BECAUSE OF A CHARACTER LIMIT!

44. They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"

45. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says... Five beers please.

46. What do you call a cow that's just given birth? [De-Calf-Inated]

47. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

48. What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef.

49. Two legs? Yo mamma!

50. Some people believe that becoming a vegitarian is just a mistake... A Missed-steak.

51. Puns, thats a rare medium well done.

52. How do you fix a broken Tuba. With a tuba glue.

53. Where does Dorien Gray shop? Forever 21

54. Dorien Gray Jokes, they never get old!

[ChrisBeattie]

The Buddhist paid for his hot dog, then asked the hot dog vendor, "Where is my change?"

The hot dog vendor replied, "Change must come from within."

[ikickdownthewalls]

you have a look of joy on your face at some of these puns that I have never seen before on anyone older than five and it warms my heart

[bgbbft]

Did you just tell your brother a "yo mama" joke?

[annamedes]

Did you hear about the guy who cooled down to absolute zero?
No! Is he alright?
Well, he's 0k now.

[coldbrrains]

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Three legs? Lean beef!
Two legs? Yo mama!

I just died.

[AlternateHistoryHub]

This is good, I'm writing these jokes down and going on tour with them.

[VintageDonuts]

God said to John "Come fourth and receive the Holy Spirit". But John came fifth and won a mini fridge.

[smileyrose]

The boomerang joke totally went over my head. When I watched it a second time and it hit me.

[hallieeramos]

On a scale from one to ten, how obsessed with Harry Potter are you?
About nine and three quarters.

[TroutOfOrder]

I have a good joke: Sherlock Holmes and John Watson decide to go camping. They're lying down, awake, and Sherlock says: "John, look at the stars. What do they mean to you?" John says: "I think they mean that God is watching down on us. What do they mean to you?" Sherlock says: "It means someone stole our tent.

[armybeast]

it has been over 2 years, could Hank, could you do 55 jokes in under 4 minutes

[TheDiplomancer]

Another Roman walks into a bar and says "I'll have a martinus."
The bartender looks at him weird before saying, "You mean 'martini?'"
The Roman answers, "If I wanted two, I would have asked for them!"

[OllerHaha]

I bought some shoes off a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but i have been tripping all day.

[jazzyrenegade]

Okay I have a good one.
How many Hogwarts students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 6: a Slytherin to break it, a Gryffindor to climb the ladder, 3 Hufflepuffs to hold it and make sure the Gryffindor is safe, and a Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic.

[NaruTheBlackSwan]

A Buddhist monk goes to a hotdog stand and says "make me one with everything"
I lost it.

[MrLAntrim]

I just like it when someone I regard as smart makes a "yo mamma" joke. Classic. 

[katelyns]

I spent half the video waiting for the boomerang joke to come back to him... I felt let down when I saw the end screen, then I finally got it

[DrRandomness]

I think the kleptomaniac joke is my favorite of all jokes, because it hits you in the face with the proper use of the word "literally."

[StarrTheWitch]

immortality jokes, they never get old

[Pining_for_the_fjords]

Patient: Doctor doctor, I have a phobia of flashbacks.
Doctor: How long have you had this?
Patient: Well it all started when ....