Good grief! What I learned from loss | Elaine Mansfield | TEDxChemungRiver

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences. There is power in grieving intentionally and purposefully. Telling her own story of loss, Elaine Mansfield explains the use of ritual as a tool for empowerment for life’s most challenging times.

About TEDx, x = independently organized event In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)

[stylemethrift]

I have a little shrine to my mum, she passed away almost 4 months ago. No one asks me about her, it breaks my heart, but my shrine reminds me that she was real and she was mine.

[qbone]

I lost my sister today and searched "grief" in YouTube. I'm thankful I came across your video and wise words. While this wound aches, I already feel myself becoming kinder and more wise.

[nelliraeskitchen]

I just lost my mom last week, she too was my everything Sofia. No one knew me like she did, and no one will. She lived with me these past 4 1/2 yrs. and people say I was " a good daughter." I just gave her back all she gave to me my whole life. I can't imagine this heart feeling whole ever again. Death and this amount of pain makes me question everything in this life. I hope with every breath I have left I see her, my dad and brother one day. May we all find peace~

[sierra-nana]

My husband died a month and a half ago. Just before Thanksgiving and his favorite holiday, Christmas. I carry his cell phone with me. I pay the bill for both our phones. It seemed crazy but now I think maybe it isn't so crazy. Thank you

[PhoenixGirlOfficial]

My father died out of nowhere two weeks ago, and I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt that it's partially my fault. He was complaining of chest pains but I didn't take it seriously, was gonna take him to the hospital but on the way he said he felt better so we went back home. Not even an hour later he said his chest pains were back. He drove himself to the hospital alone. I realized too late that I really needed to take it seriously and go with him. I didn't have a phone, so I couldn't call the hospital and didn't have a car so I couldn't drive there. Hours went by an he didn't come back. I messaged my brother to call the hospital. He called me back ten minutes later, a nurse told him that my dad had died of heart failure. He died alone and scared because I didn't go with him, because I didn't realize the severity of it. The grief is so intense every day that sometimes I feel like I could die from it. I have no more family now, and am losing my home and will be homeless soon. I don't possibly know how to begin to cope with the intense grief that I feel.

[rositahuff]

…my love died 2 weeks ago…I will always love him…he lives in my heart

[Cosmogirl]

Grief can be overwhelming to the point of frozen. Especially without a support system. Thank you so much for sharing.

[domais]

Coincidentally, my mother got the same diagnosis of stage 4 lymphoma after what appeared to be an extended flu. She overcame what her oncologists said was an approx. 5% statistical chance of survival. Amazingly, she achieved remission for over 10 years and died last Oct. Two months after my mother died, my wife got a random kidney infection that, to everyone's incredible shock, turned into kidney failure and then death. She was still a young woman. I went from taking her to the ER with kidney pains and a fever to her death in 35 days. Grieving two deaths (of two people I adored) is a full-time job. When my mother died, I basically lost my father too. My parents were as close as they get and the future does not look good for my poor father. I'm going to a grief-counselor and trying to deal with loss in a healthy way. I'm struggling like hell to do the best I can. Videos, like this one, help me too. Grief is like anything else in life. You learn from others with experience in it. Best wishes to all.

[rosieE]

My twin sister died 19 years ago. I still keep her purse and her eyeglasses. It reassures me that I am carrying on for her.

[haileymac]

I'm really happy I found this video. January 19th of last year I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer. I was 19, now 20, and she was only 44. Although she had been sick, her death still felt sudden. She was diagnosed just 5 months prior to death, so the loss came before we could even fully process the illness. She was my favorite person in the universe and we shared a bond so special that I can't even begin to convey it through a keyboard. I always want to reach out and speak to her or look through her phone one more time to watch our videos together, or be open to signs from her. However, I have a mental block preventing me, because I'm terrified of opening this part up and facing the deep vulnerability and the painful feeling of fully accepting it. I just recently have started reaching out to talk with her, and finding support online through videos like these. Your words really spoke to me and I can tell I'll be thinking back to them often.

[danielabedolla]

My mom died last week after 3 years of living with cancer. We lived toguether and our live was full of rituals, and so her death is. She wanted us (family and friends) to have a party after her death, "drink red wine, eat cheese and chocolates, listen to my music, laugh, tell stories", she said. And so we did.
During her "life celebrating party" a close family friend asked me the natural question "how are you doing?" I answered right away this "I'm sad, of course, but I am missing her, not suffering her"

I do not know is she can see me from somewhere or if her spirit is out there dancing in some other dimension, but I know one thing, the love we share with people that leave us, does continue living and working his magic through all that small things and rituals that connected us. That is what I call love, little connections that make us belive in something bigger than our existence.

I love your speech and I'm truly grateful to have found it. Thank you for sharing.

[dennissmith]

no matter ...anyone says about grief...and about time...healing all wounds..the truth is, there...are certain sorrows...that will never heal..until the heart stops beating...and the last breath is taken..

[Teresahorner]

Gosh I haven't been as strong as you and lost my parents and my sweetest man. my husband to cancer 3 yrs ago and never been the same. your a beautiful soul

[LaurieBrooks-je]

This talk was fantastic! Everyone should watch. As an End of Life Doula and UU I got so many ideas from what she did, and the rituals she created outside of any religion. Thank you, Elaine.

[SofiaSantos]

My mother was always a melancholical soul. She used to say it was because she lost her mother at the age of 12. It was way to earlier she said. I remember I was very little and I got home from a beautiful summer day and I ran to my mother to tell her everything. She was lying in bed, staring the ceiling. I could tell her she was crying. She told everything was fine. She was just sad. It turn out to be that her boss was dead. She was too good, I remembered her. but she was gone and I couldnt understand.
When I was 14, I got a call that my uncle had died. It was asked me to give the news to my mum. I told her, we hugged, we cried. I understood death differently that day.
2 years ago, it was my mother who passed away. I never though i could feel such pain. My mother is everything to me. I dreamt about her every night, for six months. I would dream with her staring at me. Just walking. Sleeping. Just simple tasks. All night. Till this day, every random thing reminds me of her and I think how different it would .have been if she was with me.
Last month, another uncle of mine, her brother, died from cancer. And I re-live everything. But this time I knew what was grief. Today, I lost my cousin. He was 18. I'm 20, and I feel like I faced death very differently during my life. I learn beautiful things from grief. But now I'm revolted. Every "new" death, it's not "lived" as a single death or a single grief. Is re-living all the losses we had so far.
I'm confused, and it feels good to talk about it, to listen to another people's experiences with grief. And I talk to myself. I writte too. I tell myself how I feel and I accept those feelings. And its the one of the few things that feels good.

[thecougarexperience]

Thank you for this. My best friend died last week in his sleep at the age of 53.

I read, “Grief is the last act of love we can give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there is great love.”

[sumaiasaif]

While he was lost to death, she was lost to life 3:33!! This is very powerful!

[Rooster]

I lost my wife last month. Suddenly, without warning. We were together for 53 years.
She was my partner and my best friend. We shared everything.
With know one to share your joy, your misery, what is the meaning of life?
When I die It will be, in no small part from a broken heart.

[Awakened_warrior]

Grief is my new reality. I lost my mother and my significant other at the same time. Very comforting video thank You 🙏🏼

[steveparker]

I did a similar thing after my husband died .He had kept, in a jar, the petals of the first rose I ever gave him. I put that in his coffin along with a fresh rose, the last I'll ever give him. He loved The Golden Girls, so in the coffin went the DVD of the last season of the show. And last, something very personal between the two of us, which I will not divulge here. It helped me to do those things.