5 Red Flags to Watch for When Dating a Widower

How can you know if the widower you're dating is ready to move on? In this video, Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower, goes over 5 big red flags you should watch for when dating a widower.

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[Pat]

My husband was a widower when we met 5 years ago. His family has never accepted me & other people want me to be a carbon copy of his late wife. I have maintained healthy boundaries & good mental health throughout the time we have been together. Married 3 years & doing well. I do not compete with a ghost. He knows I am my own woman. He also knows his life is better with me in it. No one defines our marriage but us. Had we let that happen, we would be divorced.

[jennamarsh]

I really like what he said near the end--it's about choosing the past or choosing a future.

[terrycoleman]

Overall we are a interracial couple. His first wife was white. I am Black. We are very comfortable with each other. His children call me mom. I look forward to this new life.

[Diamondgyrl]

I'm dating a widower now and actually knew his deceased wife. I don't allow him to compare me to her because we are by no means alike in any way. I have expressed to him that I'm not her and that I don't want to be compared to her. I actually enjoy him as a person, he's fun, loving, caring, mature and I feel he can move on if he focuses on us. I really hope this works out as his children are not ok with him dating me but that's something that we have to deal with along the way. Our happiness should not be based on grown children they have their own life and we want to share ours.

[crackerjacku]

My husband passed away, it will be a year the 24th of October. I started dating a widower of 6 years, about 8 months after my husband passed away. I can honestly say that he was the oddest, uncaring, most confusing man I have ever met in my life. He said many things about what he wanted in a relationship, but his actions told an entirely different story. Anyway, it was a short dating experience to say the least that I now chalk up to a huge learning experience.

[laura]

Yikes! I dated a widower for 8 years, a long time ago, and all of the red flags you mention were there, he even had photos of the late wife inside the closet!!!! why did I think I had to give him time!!!! needless to say that relationship ended. Of course after I broke up with him he got in a hurry to bring me flowers, get anxious and asking me to marry him. It was too late, and I am glad it didn't happen!!!! I think I was taken for granted!!!! Lerned a good lesson, I did. Thank you!!!

[saschaspring]

Was married to a widower for 24 years; divorced for religious reasons, primarily. Three years later I meet another widower -- completely unlike my former -- wears his wedding band on right hand, speaks of his deceased wife constantly and longingly, has pictures of her in his home, and is clearly not ready .... though it's going on four years and he's had multiple short term relationships in between. I just can't do it. I simply cannot be the shadow girl again -- sadly.

[MsCliffmaddox]

I am a widower and dating a great lady again, great video, I passed I think all these red flags I think. Hope my new girl agrees.

[sandratoumberlin]

Hi Abel. I have VERY recently started talking to a widower online. He's 68, I'm 65. We live in the opposite side of the USA . He lost his wife of 21 year's, 3 yrs, 7 months ago, from COVID. Since it is so new, I don't ask a lot about of hard questions yet. U've given me a lot of things to ponder. We've discussed our pasts & he seems to have been able to move on. I've been alone for 16 years, by choice, so I'm ready to love again. I've been scammed on here twice in the past 2 year's, that I decided to "get back in the saddle". Lol. We'll see how this plays out. Ur channel has helped me understand the dynamics of widowdom. Lol

[juliapurdy]

Another thing to be aware of is the likelihood that something in the environment will trigger his buried grief, take him back to the "good old days" with the love of his life... all while you are standing there. This happened when a show came on tv about doo-wop male singing groups, which he and his wife loved to dance to. In fact, at the beginning he asked me if I liked doo-wop and I said Sure, probably - having no clue how important it was to him. So when the show came on, he actually had a meltdown right in front of me, looking at his wife's portrait photo on the end table (the only thing he kept on display, as far as I could see), breaking into tears, crying out how he loved her so much, then becoming glued to the tv and saying he would ask his daughter to find the record they were advertising and get it for him. This was the only time he really broke down, but while I had nothing against his memories, she had died 3 years before and yet he started referring to how she did things, their little inside jokes, etc. as if she might walk in the door at any moment. I also have reason to believe he believed he would be reunited with her in heaven, she was waiting for him. What started as a wonderful, fun, loving friendship fizzled completely after about 4 months when he decided he knew what I wanted but he couldn't give it to me (no explanation or discussion with me about it - it was his final say). I feel pretty sad for him, I did fall in love for a lot of reasons and now I show my love and sympathy for him just by leaving him alone, per his terms.

[fredgrove]

Wow, never thought of the pictures being a shrine.  That is a great thing to look at if it truly is!  Thanks for sharing!Fg

[HopeConpiracy]

I was married for 13 years and my wife passed away a little over a moth ago. I personally have found a wonderful women who genuinely makes me happy. This was very spontaneous but I want to show her off to the world. I can understand how some people may be distant and not want to seem like they are not mourning the death of their late But I don't care what other people think. If my kids and I are happy, why should I care about other peoples opinions. I'm a good man and I found a good women. I have 1 picture of our wedding i keep up on the TV stand cause I'm not a cold asshole. I have 3 children that should be able to have a picture of their mother to remember her by.... and in all honesty if the girl i found didn't like it I really don't care. But luckily she thinks it's sweet. I am only 33, I feel like you are talking to older widowers or very sensitive men. Maybe I'm just lucky, or maybe I'm an asshole.... Either way, I am happy, my kids are happy, the women is happy.... and everyone else, if they have a problem can kick rocks.

[jdimon]

You are an effective communicator. Thanks for using your experience to help us out.

[jenifferkimondo]

Am an African woman aged 50yrs..separated...am on this platform seeking for a soul mate..am mature, loving, and very loyal...if you are widower looking for someone whom you can have a second chance with am here..May God make us connect with the right person

[cschulz]

Pictures. Yes, you wouldn't accept it from a divorced man, but somehow you have to accept it from a widower. This is an awesome video.

[dordil]

Thank you.Very eye opening for those that want to move on.

[letricblue]

Cares because of judgement, first person you date is taking brunt of peoples shock. Everyone has an opinions about what the correct time is to get over past spouse. Also its hard to talk singularly about your past if you shared your last 30 years with someone else. It was a past that included 2 people.

[ElliFrance]

I was dating a widower who said to me “but I will always love my wife”. I asked him why he was going out with me if he loved his wife. He did a lot of sweet talk and invested in us which made me stay. He was always sending mixed messages, saying one thing such as “I will put you first”, doing another. He did not walk the talk. The advice I would like to give to other people based on my experience is not to give too many second chances just because the person you are with is a widower. Widowers or divorcees or whatever we are, we are adults first and foremost and we are responsible for our behavior. If the widower you are dating, repeatedly does not want to commit to you, but drags you into a situationship instead, have the courage to step out and walk away from the situationship as it does not suit you. Don’t lose yourself because you are empathetic towards the widower.

[janetmacor]

You are such a great guy! Thank you for your videos. I am learning so much. God bless you and marathon girl.

[cschulz]

I found this video a long time after launching my widower. I've never been happier. Feeling like a backup act appeals to some women, but not others. It is humiliating. The in-laws become tentacles that never accept it and act as instruments to ghost out the new "mistress." You can't have these people in your life if you want to protect your lady. If the man doesn't acknowledge any efforts of sabotage from the in-laws, you need to launch him. I had a sister of the late wife actually offer to set him up on a visit when I wasn't there. And he never mentioned my name in objection! YES YES YES LET THE WORLD KNOW! PROTECT HER! We remained friends, and now I hear comments like "my life was better with you in it." Well, if you'd have said that to your circle, we may have had a chance. The "man" in this video is a real man, with a great protective nature. Don't wait for a lady you love to flat line before you start CPR. :D Great video, and thank you!