Masking and Adult ADHD - Clarifications and Apologies

A very short video to clarify comments I made in my earlier video on Masking and ADHD.

[KnarfMetmohn]

That is what a great scientist does, clarify and apologize for misunderstandings.

[funkmeister]

The fact you're willing to listen to people's experiences, offer an apology, and change your perspective when presented with new information is a big part of why we respect you & your work.

A real class act Dr. Barkley. I wish we had more medical professionals like you.

[Lasidar]

While the clarification is appreciated, anyone who has followed your body of work should know you have tremendous empathy and understanding of the plight of those with ADHD and would never mock our struggles. Appreciate everything you have done and continue for ADHD Dr. Barkley!

[ZeDoctorful]

Having ADHD myself, I didn't think of it as mocking us, but I can see how people might've picked up on it as such. Glad to hear the clarification all the same though.

[iamcitizen]

As with most if not all things, there exists (the need for) nuance. I think Dr. Barkley is correct to point out that many accessible websites tend to misrepresent what masking actually is and what our collective response to it should be. It’s not “hey, just show up late for that crucial interview. If they can’t understand you have trouble with executive functioning and time management then who needs em??”.

Masking is distinct from self-regulation. Masking is what happens when you either don’t engage in self-regulation or take it too far and wind up suppressing or altering fundamental parts of yourself in the long term to appease others for, likely, fear of reprisal. I’m not masking if I make a concerted effort to show up on time and am not a sweaty, frantic mess who begins to over-share on the justifications for my tardiness.

Masking is real and is most often problematic as you struggle to work against your condition (e.g. AD(H)D) instead of *with* it. But there should not be a propagation of advice, then, to “just let it all hang out” at all times and irrespective of context, as Dr. Barkley points out. That’s equally problematic.

[CalMar]

Anybody who actually follows your work or watches your videos knows that you would never insult or intentionally harm anyone in the ADHD community, but it was also so kind of you to take the time address those who vocalized this. I hope they return to see all the information you have to share, because it is valuable.

[SophiaCapote]

I had to self regulate in my previous career so much that at the end of the day I was too exhausted to engage in anything else after work or during weekends. I was just wiped out. I can see self regulating for a career or survival. Some careers are better environments than others for that "downtime" and not having to be socially "on" all day. I burnt out and became a shell of myself as a result. Depressed, irritable to those I loved, not taking care of my mind or my body. I had no self discipline left to make good choices for me or to be a pleasant person outside of work.

I left that career because I don't want to suppress my traits like talking a lot, switching topics, just being very excitable, being a "bit much", having five thousand interests, coming across a bit "ditsy", etc. I have had great luck searching out other ND people who understand and socialize similarly and have many more friends now than before.

Sometimes my behavior may inconvenience others and to that I say - sometimes other people's behaviors inconvenience me! It goes both ways whether someone is ND or not! Thirty four years on this earth and I have yet to meet New Jesus! After decades of being overly accommodating to the needs of others and always assuming the problem is me, I allow myself to take up space in the world and be myself. Sometimes my existence is going to be inconvenient for those around me. It's a part of the human experience. While I strive to be polite, I don't strive to act neurotypical. I don't like everyone and not everyone has to like me either.

I think where I found the most offense in yesterday's video was this: that not participating in self regulation means that no one will be friends with me, or that it is inconsiderate to those around me to be myself. To imply that being ADHD in public is similar to audibly passing gas in polite company was a bit of a wild take. I didn't think you meant it like that but I was like 'who am I listening to right now?'.

To conclude, I simply don't agree with the notion that I need to pretend to be someone I'm not in order to be liked by people I don't care about. I love being me. I'm interesting, genuinely kind, and pretty hilarious. Some people think I'm great. Some people are just not going to "get it" and that is absolutely fine.

I think a distinction should be made between professional social situations and socializing with personal friends or potential friends. I have also anecdotally observed that self regulation and "masking" quickly spends the finite self discipline we all as people have. Using some intentionality when deciding when to schedule or participate in situations where we can't be ourselves is important. Being yourself and being real and vulnerable deepens personal connections - which is great for developing intimate relationships but maybe not appropriate for a parent teacher conference. Anecdotally, I know it's not healthy for myself to pretend to be someone I'm not all day every day, and it's certainly not advice I would personally extend to others.

[agustincasado]

I realized a long time ago that when something you say starts to grind my teeth, it's probably sarcasm. I understood the first video perfectly, and I really appreciate the effort you make to keep everyone informed about ADHD. Greetings from Argentina!

[lambs]

100k subs and an apology video? Congrats Dr. Barkley, you’re officially a fully fledged YouTuber! 😂 it’s a YouTuber right of passage

[aziouss]

The fact that he can remain humble and accept a counterpoint is what makes a great scholar in my eyes.
No not just a great scholar this man is a warrior poet AND a gigachad.

[sarahhartnett]

I think an important nuance that gets lost in these “masking is terrible” articles — which is what I understand Dr. Barkley is trying to highlight — is the tricky concept of “authentic self”… I would like to think my “authentic” self is kind, respectful, caring & giving. ADHD symptoms that cause me to act in ways that hurt people are not my “true” self (I hope!!!) - they ARE a hindrance to expressing my authentic feelings.

A good example of this is being mindful about not interrupting. Yes, impulsivity makes this hard, but that impulsivity is part of my neurology, NOT MY CHARACTER. My authentic self doesn’t want to make people feel belittled. Ever. So I fight the impulse to interrupt, and I apologize when I fail. This isn’t masking - it is being true to who I want to be.

On the flip side, tamping down my natural exuberance because I fear rejection for being “too much” IS unhealthy masking because it denies a part of myself that DOES feel true and congruent with who I would like to be. But this is true for plenty of naturally exuberant people without ADHD -- they just tend to handle the situation better because they are better able to “dial it in” more precisely and consistently and/or experience less intense reactions to real or perceived rejection

ADHD shapes my perceptions and behaviors. So does being tall. And clumsy. And a fast reader. All these things are measurable realities about me. But none of them individually or ultimately dictate my authentic self — I get to choose and work towards what I want that to be. And a huge part of that process is identifying and managing the symptoms and sequelae of ADHD that hold me back.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. 😂

[JWildberry]

The difficulty is that we need to differentiate between masking and self regulating. The way I think of it is that a mask is superficial. It's when you hide superficial traits/behavior, and the masking has no benefit other than making you look "normal." I'm autistic, so my examples are eye contact, stimming, body language, tone of voice, volume control, speed when talking, and facial expressions. All of that is superficial, and we mask so that we don't LOOK weird.

Self regulating is working on things that are not skin deep, like emotional control, inflexibility, time keeping, memory, cleaning, etc. Those are not skin deep, and they do real harm to us and other people. If you can learn to regulate those things, you get a real benefit from it. That's not masking. If you ARE able to regulate those things, it can change your life for the better.

[Othtsmlsgd]

Thankyou for making this video, very much appreciated and apology accepted. You're very right that no one should just be going out in society completely unregulated. Articles like these tend to use hyperbole and the whole 'adhd super power' shtick to turn everything into a positive, which you're right can lead to some of the severe societal impacts that people with ADHD experience if their behaviours are out of line.

[Jofferpg]

No need to apologize IMO, we just need to be really thankful for your work here.

[ninaleach]

I was diagnosed autistic at age 67 and now at 72 am on the path of confirming my ADHD.

I never realised I was masking as it was second nature to me. It was and still is a very useful coping strategy BUT it has taken its toll.

I do very much want to be my authentic self and live in a world that supports, accommodates and has compassion for me. I don't want my neurodivergence to be any sort of an excuse but I do need it to be a valid reason for why I'm different.

I think it depends very much on how we are affected by our neurotype as to how much masking is best for us and others.

Everyone masks at times, it's purely human but there are many different reasons.

I'm an extremely "high" masker and do it all the time but have learned to be myself more with my immediate family since my diagnosis and it's definitely improved our relationships because being 3 differently neurodivergent people, we all have issues that we now understand that used to cause a lot of misunderstandings.

When outside the home, I've learned to openly stim to regulate myself and nobody has so good but it's not so good that after asking politely for certain simple accommodations like waiting for me to process, I have reverted to my mask and just nodded and smiled in agreement of something I don't/can't understand. That's not an exhausting mask but it's got lots of repercussions that can be really exhausting.

I've got CPTSD and am currently having trauma therapy and it's very clear that part of the trauma is caused by the need to mask and then dealing with the negative effects of masking. Some is caused by gaslighting due to my being undiagnosed for most of my life and making a huge effort to try to do what I thought I should be able to do and not being able to advocate for myself (this applies to my physical disabilities and illnesses too).

I know I go on....apologies BUT it is important to draw the line between safe and effective coping strategies like ordinary masking and needing to mask constantly and to an extent that you live in a constant state of anxiety about the need to mask. I've always been anxious but unaware of the toll of masking but since I recognised it, the toll is greater.

I don't need to mask my physical disabilities just because they aren't always convenient for others 😢

[Vlachosj]

I get my advice from you, not some random website. Thank you.

[JejeJojoSky]

The truly knowledgeable professional does not need to put others down or act like they know everything. You exemplify this perfectly.

Your expertise does not prevent you from being humble, and we are so lucky to have you. I have a great deal of respect for you because you treat all of us with such respect.

As always, I wish you all the best and good health. We need more people like you in our communities.

It’s common for people to express their appreciation for others only after they are gone, and I don’t believe in that. Too often, we focus on criticizing or overlooking the good things others do. I think it’s important to let people know how much they mean to us while they are still with us.

We will miss you dearly when the time comes, but that’s not going to happen any time soon, so please take care of yourself. Your family, friends, colleagues need you, and so do we.

You are truly appreciated.

[p_serdiuk]

I think that the goal of such advice is to suggest that efforts to self-regulate should, themselves, be managed, to avoid burnout, or being too tired to do that in situations when it matters most. There should be times and places where it should be appropriate to let go for a bit. If I recall correctly, one of the mechanisms involved in ADHD burnout is introjection, which is the unconscious and uncritical adoption of the thoughts and personality traits of other people. If we introject that we should strive to be like neurotypical functional adults at all times, even when alone, this prevents us from letting go of intense self-control in situations when that is socially inconsequential and preserving our mental resources for situations when it isn't. Of course, simply claiming that we shouldn't self-regulate at all is equally harmful.

[mwjgcreeves]

As someone with crippling ADHD and possibly Autism (working on figuring that out), I found the bits rather funny. The same for your lectures available on Youtube. You might be my favorite unsung comedian 😂.

[cobblett]

I've been masking in social situations for most of my life. It is what has allowed me to function in society. Your advice is great.