COUPLES COUNSELING | Is It Good For Reconciling With An Ex?

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COUPLES COUNSELING | Is It Good For Reconciling With An Ex?

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Coach Adrian was talking to a client of his during a relationship coaching session, a young lady who was devastated because her ex said no to going to couples counseling. She wanted to go to couples counseling because she thought she had learned a lot from the breakup and was ready to try and salvage the relationship. But her significant other did not want to do couples counseling.

Why do ex's refuse to go to couples counseling, and how should you approach that? There are two main points to touch on.

The first point is that, usually, after a breakup, you need to know that it's because your partner has lost faith in your ability to make them happy. They think that it is beyond repair. When you pitch solutions, like couples counseling, it goes against their fundamental belief and they're going to feel insecure and threatened. They will feel like you don't respect their decision, and therefore they will close up. Agreeing to go to couples counseling after having agreed to separate or divorce will only make your ex partner feel like their decision is being undermined. This is why we suggest not asking an ex partner to go to couples counseling. If you feel compelled to do so, anyway, there are other ways that you can package the idea to them to greatly increase the chances of them wanting to go to couples counseling, which we discuss in this video.

The second point is that men in general are insecure about anything that has to do with therapy, counseling, or couples counseling because men are wired to believe that they need to figure things out on their own. Men don't like to ask for help, or at least, most men. Men need to feel like they are in control and can figure it out. And unfortunately, showing weakness or vulnerability through the need for counseling or couples counseling is something that is negative. Men are sometimes very insecure and their ego very fragile, and making them feel like they need help will often trigger a certain backlash. Suggesting going to couples counseling is interpreted by your guy as him not being good enough to sort out the relationship issues on his own, and thus sees it as an attack.

It's always important to frame the suggestion of couples counseling in a way that is positive, has them not feeling attacked, and as if they are not the issue. You'll have a much better chance of having your ex go to couples counseling if you package it in the way Coach Adrian suggests in the video... SO WATCH IT!

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[whatsupbudbud]

I'm a guy (31 y.o.) who broke up, realized what a mistake it was, was open to criticism and the one who proposed going to couple's therapy. I do agree that it is the delivery to men from women that will make or break this prospect due to the aforementioned ego of the male. The ego is necessary thing for men, so tread lightly ladies. If the man truly loves you, he will do anything for you provided you approach your needs in an honest, straightforward way that's understandable to men. Our relationship ended because my emotional needs were not met (though communicated) and hers were not properly communicated, prompting slow but steady deterioration of our relationship. I'm so happy that we are both matured enough to recognize that we both have to work on ourselves in order for the otherwise great relationship we have to keep blossoming. Best of luck to you all, ladies and gents.

[tamara_]

Going through breakup, it’s been 2 months.. thank you guys for everything you’re doing you are my light :)

[bnbtrainingsd]

Really nailed it on how i felt about my partner tell me to go to counseling. I am better open minded now and more awake to doing anything i need to do, in order to get my partner back.

[slyfly]

i tried to get my ex to go to counselling, she had me running around in circles while she had zero interest in even trying. almost like she laughed at the fact my heart was broken

[nicolehill]

Please love advice HELP ME. I'm in a very difficult and sad situation with my ex boyfriend. I knew him since a year and we immediately felt really attracted to each other, but he is 20 years older than me and he also is my neighbor. We started dating in October 2018 and in November 25th he kissed me and we started a relationship. However, we lasted just for a cuple of weeks because my family found out that I was seeing him and the situation exploded. My father became violent (he wanted to KILL ME, literally. He took a knife and chased me around the house) but fortunately my mom and my sister stopped him (although they also are against us). When the fight between us ended I was desperate and I thought that I wouldn't be able to see my ex ever again, so I desperately messaged him that. At first he responded but then he disappeared. A few days later I reached out to him..he was very afraid of my dad but in January we started seeing each other again. Then the 27th of January he left me. I chocked up in him in March and then during March and April we started seeing each other (always secretly, obviously). We were getting closer and closer every time we met but then suddenly he changed. I messaged him one week after our last date but he was cold and distant so I stopped and decided to give him some time. Last week (the 25th of May) I sent him my birthday wishes because it was his birthday but he was even MORE cold, distant and didn't want to talk to me. I asked him to see but he said that he was busy so I asked him if there was any problem with me. He answered "no, I don't have any reason to be angry with you" and then I asked him if he could call me when he was available but he DIDN'T RESPOND BACK AND DIDN'T CALL. The next morning I saw him with a GIRL, going out from his apartment (they slept together!!!) and I was absolutely destroyed. I don't know what to do, I still love him so freaking much but he doesn't even talk to me!!! And I don't really understand WHY did he that. Of course he is really worried about my family but disappearing isn't the right way to face it!! My heart is in pieces and I miss him like crazy. I NEED TO TALK TO HIM but I don't know how to reach out to him and what to say!!😭😭😭 he seems like he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and I'm 100% sure he loved me but because of my parents he is now afraid! I think that this is only my fault. All this happened because of my immaturity and irresponsibility and this is killing me from the inside. I don't know how the "steal" him from his new girlfriend. GUYS PLEASE HELP ME, I'm desperate, I don't have anyone to talk to about that and you give the best advice in the world!! Thank you for all that you do💖

[LeeJoy]

I found my ex’s mothers pic I found in my house that we couldn’t find for yrs ! Lol he used to mention it to me as an example that I don’t care, I know it means a lot to him I decided to mail it to him w a short letter sayin “I want to see his in person cuz I wanted to see his reaction but I’m respecting his space and I told him o would find it if he keep faith hope it brings u joy and peace”

Did I made the right decision?

[MsLinzoo]

Hello Adrian, I asked my ex if he would go to counseling with me and he said yes he would. I was surprised I thought he was going to say no.. I wish I would have asked him in the way you suggested in this video, I’m scared though that he will change his mind and back out! How do I make sure that doesn’t happen? I know that he does love me but some issues might get in the way, plus he is sorta long distance so what do you suggest please give me your advice!😰😢

[thetraveldynasty]

What if my ex who is the reason for the breakup is the one who asked to go to Couseling

[mathewlaspina]

just ordered a coaching call with you
how do I know when I am going to get the call? and make sure it is at a time I can?

[malaslittleworld]

Told my ex that I do not wish to be friends when she suggested it. Told her that if she changes her mind she can reach out. Did I make a mistake by doing this? Will she think of me as her backup plan?
She is liking depressing posts on Instagram that i believe are with me in mind. Should I keep doing no contact?
Love what you guys are doing, you are the reason I stay strong. Just need to know if I'm on the right path .. thanks in advance!

Edit: last time we spoke, I told her that I wish to try to get back together. She said she wasn't ready and wants to be alone..

[SOICEE_IZ_ME]

Coach Adrian this will be long...I tried to summarize.

Two weeks before we broke up he had agreed to counseling and we got into one more argument while I was getting it all set up and then he said he wasnt going. I was devastated because I felt this was last hope. We both need individual counseling as well.

I got taken for granted for 9 months and I reached my breaking point when he was being fussy with me and saying things as if I was annoying him when I called him to check on him while he was sick and he complaining his phone kept ringing. That day I kept my cool and even brought some things for his sickness and a card. I went on about my day and when I called for the last time my stomach was in knots and my heart sunk when his behavior towards me was so nasty. I said you are being nasty to me for no reason..he was like I am sick...I just want yall to stop calling me as if I was no one important.

I called one more time crying to the point I could not breathe...I was able to say I am leaving your life, I dont deserve this and I never have. Love is not supposed to hurt..and if you call this love I hate to see how you treat people you dislike. He said I am sorry I have made you cry and you feel this way. I replied..yeah me too and hung up.I broke up with him and went silent a week ago because this.

I hung in the relationship for three reasons. He hard been incarcarated for half his life and I was trying to be patient with his situation and not judge him for his past. Our families have become close because he encouraged it because he has claimed and he has professed to me and everyone else I am first his and only love for 30 years. He sees our relationship as his only real relationship and as we dated as teenagers. Even while we were away from each for 25 years. I didnt see it coming that we would end up here.

I still love him very much but he continued to tell me he would adjust things in his life to accomodate me and our relationship at his own pace which I tried to be understanding but he made no movement. He was given the full road map to our relationship and to make me happy and wiped his feet with it for 9 months. He also knows that I divorced a narcissist and my tolerance level is thin and I am cautious and high levels. It was the hardest thing for me to do because I am heartbroken over the decision I had to make. Its been a week and nothing. What do I do now? What about when you are the woman making this decision with valid reason? Surprisingly he has not contacted me at all.

[memesimone]

My ex wants to go to counseling. Idk if I should bc he hasn't shown any changes this year. I have done a lot of things to improve myself on the other hand. We broke up June 3rd.

[charlesyoung]

When should you reach out if you won’t be able to see them for 3 more months and have been in no contact for 1 month?

[alexisaguilar]

Hey Coach Adrian, Me and my ex broke up(She broke up with me) 9 months after a long term relationship which lasted 3 years in a half and we have not been in contact & she is in a rebound relationship but she still keeps seeing posts they posts about me & she acts like she does not care about me anymore & When they post about me she is like literally the first one & contacts my family & what do you think this mean Coach Adrian?

[neelamarora]

Its being two months since our breakup. After a month of no contact he contacted me and asked for a meeting because he was here for holidays. He unblocked me from everywhere and started seeing my stories. However, he just want to stay as friends only so I denied the offer. It was a three years of loving relationship, we were in same college. last year, he went aboard for studies. We talked for a week when he was here for holidays and he confessed that he was cheating on me and he is now attracted to some other girl there. Also he will be back next year. After that he move in with her and started living with her and then blocked me again from instagram. Few days back he unblocked me and sometimes he Sees my stories on instagram.
Although I'm working hard on my dreams and paying attention to my health and growth. But I want to know what is happening here. I still have feelings for him and want to get back together for good. How can I do that we are in radio silence. Do you think this is making any change in our situation.

[ZincZincooo]

Coach Adrian, my ex broke up with me after 2 years. She cheated on me. We broke up 1.5 months ago. She suggested couple counseling to move on! I contacted like like crazy (my mistake I know :( ) anyway, When I wished her luck and told her we shouldn’t go, then she said we agreed to go... I sent her an email to try to get her motives.. anyway, our counseling session is July 2. I’m not expecting anything from it as I think she moved on.. any advice ??

[MG-pjhj]

I am a woman, my ex was a man. He came back after 13 months, recommending couples therapy. He cheated on me with my much older, 8 month pregnant friend, on my birthday. what is there to discuss in therapy?


few months before the breakup he (36 year old man) was checking out a 14 year old (his head turned 4 times and checked her out. its not jealousy, its being a Pedophilia)