My Wife and I Have Nothing in Common (Can This Work?)

My Wife and I Have Nothing in Common (Can This Work?)

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[Whatorwellsaid]

People get into relationships with the wrong ones just to not be lonely. This is why so many marriages are miserable. If you have no chemistry or lack common goals or values you have no business being together.

[donnaw]

conflict delayed is conflict amplified. Thank you for another good quote, Dr. John

[ellencox]

I can relate to this call so much, but the wife's side. My husband LOVES computer programming and does all sorts of projects for me and I appreciate the work, but when he starts talking about it, I completely glaze over. I love that he has something he loves, but I don't have the capacity to learn the basic language to have a basic conversation. I nod along and heep praise when he does what he wanted to do, but I literally don't have the capacity to have a conversation with him about it. Just like he doesn't care about my current obsession with acrylic painting. We both heep praise at the end product, but don't EXPECT each other to have the same passion. We're different people, but we can appreciate the other.

[liveslisa]

Terrible communication with a spouse most often will lead to misery and/or divorce.

[lulaslife]

It was hard for John to get anything out of this caller. The wife I'm sure has the same hard time talking to this guy.

[Calvotribe]

John has a rare gift. He understands the heart of a woman. What a breath of fresh air to feel heard and understood ❤

[terraalbritton]

My husband and I are total opposites but we fit so well together. It does take work and effort, but it is a joy to know him more every day. 21 years later, he still makes me feel loved every day.

[DNAppm]

My Dad did this same to my Mom = his wife, and his own family, and, boy, did it get tragic. He worked very hard, no holidays, no work-life balance. He neglected his health, his sleep, neglected all good things in life, and he never wanted to do anything "fun". It seemed to bore him. When at a show he fell asleep. When at any gathering (family, friends, celebration) - within minutes he'd find some guy to talk business with. When taking a trip somewhere interesting, it turned into his business-trip, and an endless boring, insecure waiting in the car for those who were his actual travelling companions.

He was very successful and sought after for his professional skills. And he was steadfastly convinced that he gave his life only for his family, implying family was his wife and kids.

I was only a kid, maybe an early teen, when I realized, he didn't do this for HIS family, but that he did every thing only to impress his own father, who regularly interrogated him, and with whom he regularly, in person or on the phone, for hours reported his successes. His father was his "demon" figuratively speaking.

And my Mom clearly missed her husband, he was so obviously the love of her life. She always told him, that what they had was enough, she needed only his time, not a bigger income, not gold bracelets, nor roses as amends, not restaurant meals for the family as an excuse for forgotten Mother's Days and Weddingdays. She wanted him at home, and she wanted to take care of him to keep up his health, because he had started their engagement as a handsome, strong, fit farmer, and in 20 years he turned fat, sedentary, sleep-deprived, stressed, cardriving, unrecognizable ... as being a responsible boss at a company that had him flying all over the continent at any hours.

My father died after several preventable, predictable illnesses, for which he was warned, and the whole family feared, and so he died all too early and my Mom had more than 20 lonely years as a widow to regret her helplessness in the process...

It was as he was hypnotized by his image of success - he probably had an inferiority complex, though it was unbelievable, he was smart, skillful, the pillar of his company, brilliant even, often witty, a double engineer, always a problemsolver outside the family... He was intelligent enough to get his priorities right, why couldn't he just do it?

I just say, Chris, wake up from your hypnosis, or it turns to a nightmare. You are already in a so blurred state, that you cannot find concrete clear words to describe the problems in your marriage - look for talk-therapy to learn to express your values, feelings, needs, thoughts, and learn to be honest and clear.

I wish you all the best, you've just been married 3 years, you can save it all and be happy with your wife. Really, think about it, you deserve to be happy and you can do it! You've started by calling Dr Delony, do read his books, get a therapist, talk with your wife, daily and on retreats, write a diary... make a marriage-recovery-plan, learn what is needed to be successful as a husbans, you will be proud, contenr, joyful, and you can learn the skills needed, don't rely on wishful thinking and childish believes about psychological issues, every time you tell yourself "she is like this or that, or just not X, Y, Z", tell yourself you are wrong and that you have no grounds to assume any such thing! It is all in your head and there you've got it wrong in third grade or something. You need a grown-up, modern and sophisticated view of how people function. Think about that, please!

[b.]

My husband was like this. It was so confusing because it was objectively untrue. He'd say, oh we don't have the same tastes in this or that, when the reality was that while we didn't have the exact same taste, we had plenty of common ground. But it was the differences that were the only thing he could focus on for whatever reason. I believe he was projecting onto me his disinterest of hearing me talk about things he didn't care about. He just assumed I would care as little about subject a from him as he cared about subject b from me. I tried to explain to him that I didn't need to care about the subject, only that he was interested in it, to want to listen to him. That's a foreign concept to some people I guess.

[gooserich]

The thing is that when he is with his side piece they talk non stop…but when he gets with his wife she is quiet and drama free… he wants some spontaneity… he is comparing her to someone…been there.

[Ms-Jones]

John did a great job pulling out the real issue here. It went from not talking on a car ride to lack of support for his ambitions, to balance/boundaries.

[RyanABC]

Damn this dude gives good advice. His consistently has angles and viewpoints I wouldn’t have considered.

[weekendnomad]

I understand him wanting his wife to be a “cheerleader” meaning he just wants her to be supportive.. I swear men need this. Make him feel like he can do anything. You can still chime in when you think something is a bad idea and yes let him know when you appreciate his hard work.. have to have a happy medium. Make him feel like he can accomplish anything but also warn him if he’s about to do something dumb bc he values your opinion

[lynnehanley]

Who is the caller comparing his wife to? He starts off by saying he can drive with someone else and not be at a loss for words. Makes one wonder if the “someone else” is a female.

[saywhatnow]

I just sat here listening to this guy, thinking he's crazy. He just needs to relax. Then Dr. John drops that advice about wanting his wife to "just be proud" of him... Now I feel like I have way more in common with this guy.

[kendrarhodes]

I think a lot of times if we want something we have to give it first. Start by telling your wife how proud you are of her. Do you listen to her talk about her job? That’s a good starting point. Model the behavior you want to see. Also research the love languages. That book helped my fiancé and I see we communicate love differently.

[araineacutebrownnurse]

Now days people are saying, “ I have an idea lets get married, spend a ton of money on a ring, have a fabulous wedding, post a ton of pics and we can get to know each other later ! “


Pure genius stuff here !

[anaguerrerosholisticwellbe]

He wants her to follow him but she happens to have her own life and interests. Oops! 😂

Like he said, he wants a side cheer leader. He is married to his career, not her. It's a matter of priorities.

I've not heard him saying that he wants her to talk to him about her own stuff. He is not interested in that and she probably feels that. It's a 2-way street.

[deirdremorris]

Couples need autonomy. I see that sometimes couples who work together at same place, or work from home or are retired, tend to be together too much and then get on each others nerves.

The other thing that Dr mentioned, is that couples HAVE to say Thank You, I appreciate you. Celebrate your spouse!

[taloulaskitchen]

I think that people get married before they truly know each other. I'm about to marry my best friend on our 10 year anniversary!