I lost my true self.

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Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings

My biggest regret about my childhood is not what happened to me, but what I lost - my true self.

Many childhood trauma survivors grew up like me in families that freely crossed kindness boundaries and easily cut people down.

The commonality in how families behave like this, usually modeled by a parent, is disregard for how our words and behaviors impact others. In addition, we project childhood perpetrators onto others in our present lives—especially those who are close to us.

I've spent most of my life in recovery, reclaiming a sense of how I impact others and reclaiming kindness. Unfortunately, many childhood trauma survivors, if we are being honest, are self-consumed when triggered and are highly defended. We grew up with adults like this.

You will resonate with this if you have ever been preoccupied and reacted on others from any following:

Looking for problems in the other to keep ourselves safe.
Looking for ways the other will disappoint you.
Looking for ways the other is being thoughtless or oblivious.

Can you apply those statements to your parents' behaviors while growing up?

Some survivors never used the unkind fight response as a strategy and never lost their kindness—or had too much of it, which is for another post.

I don't believe I was born unkind; it is not my true nature. However, I take full responsibility for how I sabotaged relationships and attacked those close to me in intimacy and otherwise. I try to live a living amends in how I am with others. My regret is healthy.

I see many survivors who are unaware of what they bring to their relationships because they are stuck in defending themselves, operating in a vacuum, and unaware of how they make others feel.

It's important to explore what we are like when defended and whether we cause any damage. So many of us are trying to break cycles, which involves embracing honesty and accountability. I believe a part of us knows we know we are being unkind, and we are fighting our family legacy and values.

My family taught me to value telling others off and having the higher ground over another person's feelings and connection with me.

We have to choose what we really value. What do you think?

⚠️ Disclaimer

My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.

If you are, or someone you know, is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.

If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255

[MirAndHer]

My childhood made me 'nice', not kind or unkind. I'm learning the difference between nice, and kind. I'm striving for kindness to self and others, and being a good person, not being 'right'

[herbalina]

I regret giving the benefit of the doubt so many times.

[hoosiergirl]

I wasn't unkind until my healing started. I was too kind bc of my childhood and people abused and used that part of me. Now I'm over it and I'm unkind bc I'm so angry about things. And I have regrets.

[capton]

I think a lot of people experience feeling unkind after beginning to heal because you are starting to learn to be more kind to yourself. This feels like you're being unkind because creating boundaries creates an uncomfortable feeling at first, as you likely had to put the needs and emotional regulation of others before yourself growing up. However, the kindness is simply redirected; it is then alchemized into a varying array of emotions and behaviors that we aren't used to. We may even feel guilty for putting our needs first. But the kindness isn't lost because it's a part of who we are. We're just learning how to balance being kind to others and to ourselves, even when life sometimes makes us choose one.

[dgvfsa]

I was intentionally unkind because I had to protect myself. I made people fear me so they would leave me alone. I don't regret it.

[Magus_Union]

"When you live in a world full of monsters, your only choice is to slowly become one yourself."

[shyamalidasgupta]

Patrick you have the insight .
So many survivors of child hood abuse do not have the insight - and are so negative - so cruel

[JohnOakes-mwls]

My childhood made me a people pleaser which included making jokes about people I would never dream of doing normally it was just with people who were controlling me and I wanted to get their approval! So yes, I was unkind too 😢

[tiffanymarie]

You are the light that shows darkness is sometimes needed to shine!! You got this! You’ve done soooo much for so many people! I know I am the version of me today bc of the insight and work I’ve done from your channel. I’m super appreciative of that! Thank you!!!

[harikyoki]

yup. get jealous of kids who have it better than i as well. end up not liking them at all. ruined a great relationship bc of that. 2.5yrs. haven't been able to get back up. it is what it is

[rachelbrown]

Awww. Not mine. I chose to shine anyway! 😊

[Whatnow]

I have endured so much at the hands of so many. I never thought to harm another. I just surround myself with animals and nature.

[annikajohansson]

The stress turned me into a control freak as an to let things just be

[nailati]

we're fighting a war to keep our hearts alive ❤️‍🩹

[candicecfcl]

My childhood made me overly empathetic 😢😢
It also made me doubt myself and my abilities.
I am happy that my childhood is OVER, and I am grown and working on fixing the mess it left behind 🎉🎉🎉🎉

[AutoRauto]

The majority of us here aren't kind people, because we had noone to learn kindness from. Noone who would teach us self-reflection and authenticity. So now we mistake our people-pleasing for kindness. But most of us are very toxic, just from the fact that we grew up aroind toxic people. And we need to realize that and accept that we aren't some "all-good" victims. We're very close to becoming abusers ourselves, actually.

[iamgalvanized]

Yeah, for me I internalized and projected the harsh critic.

[Latoree]

Thank you, you've done so much in our emotional support and mental health moving forward. And like you said in one of your "I believe in the work that gets us to be our truer selves".

[arsd.]

My childhood made me a control freak who struggles with showing any positive compliments/emotions. It costed me my relationship, and so I'm still working on undoing the effects. Cheers to us all.

[msdemeanour]

People tell me I'm tough, and I am. But I had to be to survive the continuous abuse.