The True and the False Self

A good life is one in which we can dare to show our True Self and do not mind too much occasionally having to wear the mask of a False Self. But for this to be possible, we need a certain sort of childhood - as the masterful British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott helped to explain in his theory of the true and the false self, outlined here.

FURTHER READING

“One of the most surprising but powerful explanations for why we may, as adults, be in trouble mentally is that we were, in our earliest years, denied the opportunity to be fully ourselves, that is, we were not allowed to be wilful and difficult, we could not be as demanding, aggressive, intolerant, and unrestrictedly selfish as we needed to be. Because our caregivers were preoccupied or fragile, we had to be preternaturally attuned to their demands, sensing that we had to comply in order to be loved and tolerated; we had to be false before we had the chance to feel properly alive. And as a result, many years later, without quite understanding the process, we risk feeling unanchored, inwardly dead and somehow not entirely present…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Katherine Blanchin

[shankarnarayanan]

This is soo relatable. I have never felt my true self and always felt like a slave to other people's demands and agendas.

[xuanius]

I remember always being on edge at home because whenever I was relaxed, one of my parents would unexpectedly scold me. I would be sitting in my room smiling and enjoying the peace and they would say, "look at you being all lazy and worthless." or launch into a lecture projecting abject failure in my future.

The only ways I could avoid confrontation were to be studying, doing chores, or looking visibly upset. Those were the times when I felt safe. Sometimes I would secretly enjoy being depressed because they spoke kinder to me and I didn't have to be as on guard all the time. I even looked forward to being sick and catching heavy fevers because my parents were really nice to me when I was sick.

After moving away from home and working, I've slowly started enjoying life without pressure. I read for hours on weekends and just enjoy being in a cozy room, because I can :) Sometimes I sit there and just soak in the environment. These moments always bring me peace, and make me very grateful for being alone, because it means I can finally enjoy living in the moment.

The downside of this is that I have a nearly psychotic aversion to being around other people. I have learned that being around others = being on edge, and that I can only be happy if I am completely alone.

[whileimonmars]

Yup. I was never allowed to express myself growing up. I just had to listen, be quiet, and not bother anyone. I suffered through many years of neglect and I rebelled in some ways once I got into my teenage years. Now I have a certain contempt toward authority figures, although I still tolerate them if I have to, but I’m also more vocal about my feelings and opinions. In the end, I’m still learning about my “true self” since the person I was most of my life was shaped by trauma (I’m still fairly young though. I’m in my early 20s). It takes time and a lot of self-reflection to heal but it will happen.

[morne.bester]

These last few videos all had the same message
- we don’t act like we want to
- it’s because of our childhood
- we need to see a therapist

[RINX]

I didn't know this concept existed. I thought I was the only one thinking this way. I was suffering from anxiety and depression for years but of course I didn't know about it. I sought the help of a therapist, but it didn't help me completely. I ended up doing a lot of journaling and thinking until one day an epiphany came to me. I was too pre-occupied with being the person people expected me to be. I would constantly sacrifice things I wanted to make others happy even though no sacrifice was expected of me. I told myself I need to be more self-ish in the truest sense. Do things I want to do regardless of what others would be. And you know what? It did help me. The more I did for myself the happier I became and led me to be more social and loving towards others. After watching this video, I see why that concept worked. And now I'm going to be more conscientious around my nieces and nephews. I'll give them the space to be themselves and lower my expectations to be completely civilized. Thanks!

[everlasting_me]

Becoming your true self starts with putting yourself first, in whatever way that may be.

[kirstinstrand]

In my opinion, it often takes a lifetime to become our True Self. Unless one had wonderful loving, communicative parenting, full of tenderness and empathy, most of us must first unwind the damage before we can begin to discover our True selves.
Life is too short...let's face it!

[kennethong]

*Discovering your true self is really a matter of exploration. Nothing achieves this more than educating (not schooling) oneself.*

[noelj]

Personally, I act my true self when I'm alone.
I ignore all rules and taboos.
I call into question the say and act of every person in my life, myself included.
No one is off board.
Then I go over my thoughts one by one with a magnifying glass.

[zacharydchan]

You need to know the darkness in order to appreciate light.

[garretbrent]

I respond deeply to this. Many times during a day, I question if I have ever just been myself. I've become so good at playing a False Self, because I've always had to adjust myself to the socio-political situation I'm in, since I was a child. I've often prided myself on being able to adapt to anyone and in so doing, manipulate any situation. Whenever I've made strides to become a more authentic version of myself, I've always felt guilty for it, and have found that my authenticity rarely gets me the attention and intimacy I crave. But the True Self is one who doesn't need the attention and intimacy from others in such a way that not having it will feel painful. The True Self is strong in its ability to care for itself, and that self-love is enough to weather the lonely periods of life, and attract to one the right attention and intimacy.

[audelsalazar]

As a student and practitioner of Existentialism and Buddhism (which are sometimes at odds with each other and sometimes not) I will put forth two different responses to this idea of the True and the False Self from these perspectives:

1. From the perspective of the various Existentialist philosophers, all of whom agreed that the individual was responsible for their own life and had to accept and embrace this responsibility, the False Self is the inauthentic individual who follows the "herd" or mass society, rejecting or repressing their "passions" (what they love to do or being who they want to be) due to social pressure and conformity. This is what Jean-Paul Sartre would have called living in "Bad Faith" or a kind of willful self-deception as you would rather be doing and being something else. A famous (and often misunderstood) example of Sartre's was the Waiter who completely assumed the role of a waiter, which consequently subsumed his personal identity into the identity of the waiter, acting and doing whatever a waiter does, and more importantly, fulfilling society's expectations of what a waiter is supposed to do and be. In turn, the Waiter becomes more of a machine than a man, mechanically fulfilling the role of what a waiter is and relinquishing his freedom as an authentic individual.

Tying in Winnicott's dichotomy of Self, the False Self would be the mask you wear while when interacting with others, while you only presented your genuine True Self when you were alone or among friends and family members that you trusted, which you learned the hard way to do as a child. The role the False Self plays in our daily lives as adults is that we fear our True Self will not be accepted by others and so we hide behind our inauthentic, socially-acceptable False Self.

2. In all Buddhist schools and traditions, the Self (or soul) is an illusion, an artificial image we create for ourselves of who we supposedly are. We falsely believe this Self (Winnicott's False Self) protects and comforts us but actually does us more harm than good, further separating us from reality, and more importantly, from others. Anatta, or No-Self, is the idea that by seeing through our creation of our Selves and realizing our impermanence, or more bluntly our mortality, and interdependence with others and the world around us, we will be closer to Nibbana (Nirvana) or liberation from dukkha (usually translated as suffering), allowing us to live a fuller, more satisfying life, strikingly similar to Winnicott's True Self and the authentic individual of Existentialism.

While these two perspectives of the Self in Buddhism and Existentialism are extremely condensed and simplified, I hope they get the point across and that people realize the similarities, and not just the differences, of Eastern and Western thought. :)

[hannahnymous]

It was when my depression was at its worst that I've realized that the root of the problem was I was operating as my "fake self" and became a people pleaser. I'm an achiever in school till I graduated university, a student leader, had an active social life, and was always trying to be a good person. But I was also unhappy, depressed, and anxious of other people's expectations of me. The lies and the pressure was killing me. I wanted to give up a lot of times. That's why I completely agree with this video. It's now my mission to find my true self and to love myself unapologetically because I want to keep on living.

[desisparta]

As a kid, my parents taught me to never hurt anyone and forgive no matter how huge the pain others would inflict on me. I took this literally and as a result I got constantly bullied at school. soon my grades began to drop because of them. I've changed schools 3 times and still I made bullies because forgiveness was a sign of weakness and a opportunity to get away with hurting me.

now im 21 and I have an urge to hurt someone because I want the feeling that I can protect myself. I want to be capable of hurting someone so that I can know that I can protect myself from sadistic people.

[marek]

This makes perfect sense. I've never really been my true self and i merely adjusted to others, which of course made me anxious and depressed. Now thanks to therapy i'm trying to change it...

[themodernmeditator]

You have just helped me understand narcissism - the toddler that never grew up and is emotionally stunted around the age of 2. My dad used to go into rages, smash and throw objects around the room, be physically and emotionally abusive, manipulative etc. With the aim to destroy 'mummy' and to test if she would still love him unconditionally. As a child I attuned to his emotions for safety and survival and comforted him when he came home late drunk late at night. I have a memory of him getting into a fight and he got hit with a knuckle duster - it was me that got a flannel and was helping him mop the blood from his face (my mum use to 'ignore' him and stay in her room. I was only a teenager at the time! As a result, I had codependent/people pleaser patterns, and my trauma response was 'freeze' and 'fawn'. Thankfully I've had a couple of therapists to help me through the processs.

[peacelandhaven]

This message is a gift. It’s a reminder to be kind to ourselves as we peel back the layers and find our true essence. Thank you. 🌷

[jbela]

I'm 48 years old and still struggling because of the bad childhood. It also affects my relationships with the authority. And was other random people, as well as friends. I've tried meditation, journaling, reading.I've also tried to see a therapist but I got turned down by three of them because they were booked. I feel like School of Life can only help me.and at this time I still feel like I'm doing this on a wing on a prayer.it's nice to know that there are other people on these comment boards that have gone through the same thing.

[TTN]

My childhood- learning to walk on eggshells when I should be learning how to walk

[mechakumquat]

This was the most relevant thing I've ever watched at exactly the most relevant moment.