Harmony with Dismissive Avoidants in the Power Struggle Stage of Relationship

I post every other day, and you'll find some completely new content there :)

Thank you for watching!

[carolyn]

It sounds like so much effort with very little reward, walking on eggshells and no guarantee your needs will ever be met. Always focused on keeping yourself in check.

[nannyboo]

Lol so true. I’m FA and my partner is DA. One year in it’s like a light switched. They no longer communicate consistently…. They withdrew and started to assert their autonomy in passive aggressive ways. I’m just giving space for now. But it’s quite anxiety inducing

[frederickwee]

It's really damn hard not to come forward towards dismissive avoidants without criticism when their unconscious beliefs basically rule them and they are not aware. When you do point them out, it comes of as an attack, they shutdown, when you ignore or let it slide, they shutdown. It's immensely frustrating.

All while you yourself, secure or not are trying to even regulate your own emotions.

[flexcapazitor]

OMG! This video really triggered me. (I mean in a good way, as far as making me aware of how I am). If my partner approached me with their “needs” as you suggest in the video, I would run so fast and so far, or worse yet explode! Just hearing the word NEED made me cringe. I never realized that until hearing it in this video. I don’t think I had my NEEDS met as a child, so I became DA of all my own needs. At the same time I had expectations to fulfill the needs of controlling parent, so I have a resentful relationship with NEEDS of other people, and associate it with neediness. The thought of expressing a need seems deplorable to me. At the same time, if someone came at me with their needs, I would feel squashed and pressured by the expectation of fulfilling that need. I have to go make sense of this now. I never realized how reactive I am to the idea of NEEDS until now. Maybe you could make a video about healthy needs. I thought they were all bad. Thanks for the great insight on this!

[jennifer]

4:53 - "I've seen individuals enter into this stage around the 8-month mark, and this is usually when it's a Fearful Avoidant and a Dismissive Avoidant in a relationship together. Symptoms of this stage are things like fighting more, feeling more disconnected, less intimacy, sometimes seeking attention outside of the relationship, but also feeling a little more comfortable around one another."

Oh my God, this is spot on!! Exactly 8 months in, and he has spontaneously dropped the mask. I feel like he's testing me to see if I really am who I say I am.

Breadcrumbs for a quick reference:

Dismissive Avoidants 5:46 "need to feel like their autonomy and their independence are respected, seen, heard, and understood. They also need to feel like they are safe to be who they are in a relationship." 7:06 "Dismissive Avoidants want to know that they are not going to be disrespected in any way; they want to know that they're not going to be criticized or shamed in any way. And these are all the rights of passage that they need to sort of pass through this stage into the stability stage."

The partner of a Dismissive Avoidant needs to effectively communicate their needs in a way that is non-critical: 6:31 "The more you can work your needs and your expectations into using language in a way that says, 'Hey, I'm not here to challenge or take anything away from your life; I'm here to develop healthy compromises and not necessarily enter into this one-sided situation or take anything from you in regards to your freedom, ' the more this is communicated, the more smoothly you will move through these stages." A good way of conveying this message is: 6:25 "I don't want to make you feel trapped or confined in any way, but this is a need that I have. Do you think you'd be open to this need?"

Whoa, Thais - that's breathtaking! I'm going to give this a shot and see how well it works...

[jeremivogel]

Thank you so much! I'm in a relationship with a DA, and today I felt like we are one conversation away from breaking up. You helped me realise what is going on, and address this the best way possible. You very well might have saved this relationship!

[mathews]

You have a genuine understanding of this stuff. Really impressed

[TheKickasskatie]

Good luck getting a DA to write a list of their needs and having this wonderful exchange. This is good advice, but they won't do it

[DPaulo-bdiq]

This was gold! For me this was the missing piece of information that I needed. Though it won't unfortunately change his unwillingness to comit, it definitely brought me understanding. I was walking around in circles and totally clueless about this specific detail.

[bradenhosking]

This is treating the symptoms and not the cause. The DA advertised themselves as someone that desired and was capable of closeness, intimacy, prioritizing the relationship, effort, consideration, the ability to communicate, conflict resolution, and established a precedence on time spent together and after 2 years and a wedding, suddenly is incapable of meeting those relationship needs again. You said they look forward to this stage, which means they must know and if they did then the relationship in the beginning, that I have beat my head against the wall trying to get back for the last six years, was a lie.

[cadilac]

Love love love love this video. So informative. Love love my healing journey and the free tools that were “shown” to me. ❤️ as a dismissive avoidant knowing how bad and stubborn I can be, I can lead the way to a healing relationship. Thank you.

[howtosober]

Thais has the best of intentions in her recommendations, but her advice in this video is to do a disproportionate amount of the emotional labor in the relationship- basically ALL of it- while the DA contributes next to nothing, throughout the *whole power struggle phase.* Her description of the DA's behavior in this phase is also one of being totally absent from the relationship most of the time. It's a setup for overgiving and resentment for even a secure person. I don't know who can sustain that or why on earth they would think it's worth it, but to me, it's not. In my experience, with DAs *the entire relationship* is nothing but a power struggle unless you give them their way all the time. The second they don't get their way, they're out. It's not worth it. We spent months building a friendship before getting involved, then a few months involved before moving in, but the second the DA moved in with me he turned the whole relationship into a nonstop competition and power struggle. I exhausted myself trying to collaborate and cooperate and all he wanted to do was compete and work against me. I'll never put that kind of effort into a DA again. I mean, I guess if the DA has already completely healed their attachment style these tips could work, but otherwise it's not worth investing. Unless you just like being used up and then discarded.

[linda]

Going through this with a DA👍 Been together 1, 5 years, and what you describe is pretty much what's going on. Thanks for giving insight🙏

[valentinanocross]

I agree with others I've read, your clarity on these styles and repeated reminders people need to do their work are what are going to keep relationships going.

[torilyn]

What about when you've communicated your needs hundreds of times and they keep doing the hurtful things?? But they claim they love you.

[kniveschow]

I feel like this video would be helpful but when I communicate my needs in the most respectful/polite way, it gets shut down or challenged. When I give any sort of feedback at all again, as nicely as possible, it's taken as I'm scolding or something. But when it's my time for criticism or feedback or anything just hurtful with no sugar coating, I'm too sensitive and never get the satisfaction of healed wounds. It's almost impossible to talk about anything I want to talk about. Is it a common thing for them to deny a lot as well? How can you work on things and grow together if I'm being told I'm the only one needing work? I understand that these tips will help them open up and be more comfortable with vulnerability but it's tiring being so forgiving and kind and not getting the same treatment back. I wish my DA had more self awareness and insight and wanted to fix their toxic Traits with me instead of me being there only one aware of all this and trying to fix it myself. Which I'm sure, isn't right and probably is enabling.

[LA-xctc]

Watching these videos have really helped me understand DA.. I’m FA.. we both have wounds but looking into this content has really helped comprehend each other better. I understand him and his point of view better. We used to have a real disconnect in our ways of reaching for closeness.. mine was physical touch which he is uncomfortable with but dealt with it to make me happy.. his was asking me to do little stuff around the house for him which I thought was somewhat domineering, tedious, annoying, but as soon as I understood these for his way of sending bids of connection, and these are the things that make him feel cared for, loved, affectionate rather than the sake of convenience .. I could respond to his bids for connection in an affectionate way, and I get my needs for closeness met as well as him..
little things but very helpful to make life a little nicer and smoother..

[ablanco]

This advice will not only be helpful for my husband and I. But for my relationship with my own son.

[Regina.Clarke]

Nail on the head with the DA and FA… my DA flip the switch then my FA self got triggered at the 8month mark. 🙃

[pi]

The only person showing their true self in this phase is the da cause the ap is not allowed to have any kind of need. And if expresses a need no matter how good the ap communicates it, it wilk always be unheard.