Our primordial drive for sex and love | Helen Fisher

Your brain on sex, love, and rejection with biological anthropologist Helen Fisher.

What happens in the brain of someone who gets dumped? One answer is increased activity in the nucleus accumbens, which is the same brain region that becomes active when you become addicted to cocaine, cigarettes, or gambling.

Romantic love, in other words, is an addiction. That’s one key takeaway from the research of anthropologist Helen Fisher, who argues that we should learn to respect the intense feelings of people who get romantically rejected.

According to Fisher, a better understanding of how the brain processes love and romantic desire can help us find the right partner and sustain a meaningful, healthy relationship.

0:00 Charles Darwin’s ‘game of love’
0:58 Sexual attraction in a partnership
1:49 The 3 brain systems
3:20 Romantic love
4:32 Romantic rejection
5:51 Long-term love & sex drive

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About Helen Fisher:
Helen E. Fisher, Ph.D. biological anthropologist, is a Senior Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, and a Member of the Center For Human Evolutionary Studies in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University. She has written six books on the evolution, biology, and psychology of human sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the brain, the neural chemistry of romantic love and attachment, human biologically-based personality styles, why we fall in love with one person rather than another, hooking up, friends with benefits, living together and other current trends, and the future of relationships — what she calls: slow love.

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Read more of our stories on love:
The life-long psychological effects your first love has on you
Wedding bells or single again: Psychology predicts where your relationship is headed
Oxytocin’s effects aren’t just about love

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[bob_s_drawkcab]

"I am Helen Fisher, I am an anthropologist and I actually know where love is in the brain" Has got to be among the top 10 best oneliners of all time ahaha

[Lifeistooshort]

I can relate to everything she has said. I am 58 have been with my wife for over 40 years. It never gets old, boring or stale if you know what you're doing. I know I am in love with her more each and every day. People are too quick to give up on each other, especially in today's world. Stop, go for a walk, watch TV together, vacation together, do stuff you or your partner doesn't really like but do it anyway. You will grow together. Always cuddle in bed, even if one is having a hot flash. Lol

[switzjon]

Nothing hurts worse than loving someone that no longer loves you back.

[chaugulepankaj]

Sustain 3 things to keep the long term happy relationship.
1. Sex drive - have sex regularly.
2. Romantic Love - novelty - try new things every time, try to do the regular things in a different ways.
3. Feelings of attachment - stay in touch. Holding hands, hugs, kisses, etc.

[Grace-xlih]

I would be so fascinated if she were to go on to apply her findings to people who identify as aromantic or asexual. I want to see that research so badly

[ffunit]

This woman saved my life. Found out about her back in 2008 I think, on a TED Talk. Her understanding of how love works, if you pay attention to the facts, will save you from a bunch of heartbreak.

[johnjohnson]

I am a 67 year old gay male and I have had 3 long term relationships, 7 years, 12 years and 9 years. I’m have finally realized I have never been in love. It had to do with abandonment issues, low self esteem and fear of being alone. And being needy. I worked through all that and now I’m single and really don’t care about having a partner or if I’m alone or not. I learned there’s a big difference in being alone and being lonely. And I’m usually not lonely.

[Leo-mrqz]

I'll never forget my first heartbreak. I had to go off to college, and my boyfriend stayed home. It was physically painful to be away from him. I came home the next year, and it just wasn't the same. There had been something broken between us, as if the distance apart at such a young, tender age was too much. 💔 It was agonizing.

Years later, I heard from his brother that he died in his own vomit in a drunken overdose. That didn't have anything to do with me, I know, but it still hurts me to think about it. God bless his soul.

[AlagomSwede]

What I've personally come to realise about love is that it is not a noun, but a verb. It comes as a result of your actions. It is something you must DO. The moment you forget this and start treating it as something you can have or not have, to keep or to lose, it disappears.

[panpandesbois]

I went through a massive heartbreak over the past 2-3 years and now that I’m feeling much better I’m realizing that I went through an intense withdrawal phase like typical drug addicts I imagine go through. Without knowing it and without seeking proper help. I wish absolutely anyone in this situation to be held and to heal promptly. Patience and acceptance that we are slowing recovering are key to me.

[GosiaatjeQui]

It's very interesting what she said about the activation of the areas of "calm and security" in long-term relationships. When I started going out with my now-husband, I felt an overwhelmingly soothing feeling of precisely that - calm and security. Something I had never felt before with anyone else. And it just struck me. I still remember that moment, how good and safe it felt. 5 years together and counting ❤

[adrees]

Novelty is super important! She said making sure not to get into a routine and switching it up makes a huge difference in long term love.

[brent]

My ex wife freaked out on fertility drugs and came home from a fertility appointment to tell me she wants a divorce. Breaking that connection with another person that quickly was the most painful experience ever. Like someone stabbing me in the back of the head with a spear, terrible nightmares, panic attacks. Was god awful experience.

[yukee]

People that “choose” to withdraw from a romantic love are so brave.

Sometimes you just have to make the decision for the better good for both parties (especially when it’s so toxic) no matter how hard it is.

And maybe you’ll meet again and finally work it out, or genuinely be happy for each other how life has turned out.

[Zwhg]

what i see in my mum is that she falls more deeply and deeply in love with my father each year and my father has a tremendous amount of respect for my mother. My mum didn't have her parents by her side growing up, my father did. I think that that shows that no matter what we can fall in love, just differently but the reward that will be given to us is the same ultimtely

[kippywylie]

73 years old. And sadly physical, and to some degree romantic love has departed from our marriage of 34 years. But, attachment love is stronger than ever as both of are experiencing a decline in health and I am utterly devoted to seeing her through this period of everyone's lives. So.... For the needed stimulus to the areas of the brain where romantic love is? 5 years ago we got our first dog and it feels like a part of me reawakens each morning with my first look at this sweet little creation. And, so many aspects of my life turned around... things like anger, cognitive function, and harmony with others

[fatimaachouri]

My husband is a special forces operator, he likes doing sport and exercise. Lots of it.

The thing is, I was a very mentally ill back then. I was walking through the forest one morning, very early, with a rope in hand. You know what I was thinking of doing.

He saved me, and slapped me across the face hahaha.

I'll never forget how incredibly alive I felt when he just held my shoulders tightly and screamed at my face.

We started dating, and then we got married like a month later. He is the reason I'm alive, he cured me.

My hero.

[austinreilly]

I have played poker for income for most of my adult life and have been very disciplined. My girlfriend which I adored lost intimate feelings for me recently and I turned to extracurricular gambling as a coping mechanism, as if I wanted to lose it all and didn’t care. This is an eye opening video for me

[mailleweaver]

I ended up in a depression several years ago after separating from my girlfriend and eventually checked myself into a behavioral health facility for help. While I was there I attended an AA meeting and was very surprised to find that I was dealing with the exact same things that they were. I was going through withdrawal from an addiction. That recognition helped me enormously in overcoming it. Years later I'm now still very much in love, but I know how to moderate it in a way that the addiction doesn't take control of who I am. I can recognize when it starts becoming a problem and take steps to correct it. I can now be a partner instead of a dependent.
Love is most definitely an addiction, but addiction isn't necessarily a bad thing if it's kept in check. Moderate addiction can keep routine from becoming mundane and meaningless. It just can't be allowed to become the sole source of meaning.

[StrumVogel]

My recent ex wife is a meth addict, and it took me 7 years to get rid of her. No matter how much she lied and cheated on me, I always tried to forgive her. I had to leave her when our son was born, because it’s not just my safety now. It’s his too, and he can’t protect himself as well as I can protect everyone.