Helen Fisher Explains Why Casual Sex Doesn't Exist | Big Think

Helen Fisher Explains Why Casual Sex Doesn't Exist
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In a study that asked 515 people why they went into a hookup, 50 percent of women and 52 percent of men reported that they hoped to trigger a longer relationship.
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HELEN FISHER:

Helen E. Fisher, Ph.D. biological anthropologist, is a Senior Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, and a Member of the Center For Human Evolutionary Studies in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University. She has written six books on the evolution, biology, and psychology of human sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the brain, the neural chemistry of romantic love and attachment, human biologically-based personality styles, why we fall in love with one person rather than another, hooking up, friends with benefits, living together and other current trends, and the future of relationships — what she calls: slow love.
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TRANSCRIPT:

Question: What are the three brain systems for love?

Helen Fisher: I do think that we’ve evolved three distinctly different brain systems for love.  One is the sex drive, the craving for sexual gratification. The second one is romantic love, that elation, the giddiness, the euphoria, the obsession, the craving of passionate, obsessive love.  And the third is attachment.  That sense of calm and security you can feel for a long-term partner. 

And rather than being stages, these three brain systems can operate, really in any kind of combination.  I mean, you could walk into a party, you’re ready to fall in love, you talked to somebody, they say just the perfect joke and they’re the right size and shape and height and background, and boom.  You trigger the brain system for romantic love.  And then, once you’ve fallen in love with them, you feel very sexually drawn to them.  Or, you can start out with a sexual relationship with somebody and then fall in love with them.  Or, you can know somebody for many years.  Maybe it’s a boyfriend of a friend of yours and you’re married to somebody else and then times change, people become available and suddenly you’ve fallen in love with somebody who you’ve had a deep and very nice friendship with. So, any one of these brain systems can happen first; attachment, romantic love, or the sex drive.

Question: What does the brain look like when it’s in love?

Helen Fisher: Everybody’s always wondered what happens in the brain when you’ve fallen in love, and we all know actually how you feel when you fall in love.  But actually, what happens in the brain is, a tiny little factory near the base of the brain called the ventral tegmental area become active, and in some particular cells, called the A10 cells, they begin to make dopamine.  Dopamine is a natural stimulant.  And from the ventral tegmental area it’s sent too many brain regions, particularly the reward system; the brain system for wanting, for craving, for seeking, for addiction, for motivation and in this case, the motivation to win life’s greatest prize, which is a good mating partner.

Question: Can casual sex trigger love?

Helen Fisher: I think that all three of these brain systems can interact with one another, particularly when you have sex with somebody.  Any kind of sexual stimulation of the genitals triggers the dopamine system in the brain and can push you over that threshold into falling in love with that person.  And in fact, with orgasm, there’s a real flood of oxytocin and vasopressin, other chemicals in the brain associated with the feeling of deep attachment.  So, casual sex is really never casual unless you’re so drunk you can’t remember it; something happens.  As a matter of fact, in one study of over a thousand people, over 50% of both men and women reported that their first kiss of somebody was sort of the kiss of death.  They had begun quite attracted to a person sexually and romantically and then when they kissed them, it was so horrible for them that it turned them off completely.  So, casual sex is just plain old not casual.  Something can happen.  You can either fall madly in love with this person, or you can begin a deep sense of attachment to them. 

As a matter of fact, I’ve been working with a graduate student named Justin Garcia, and he and I believe that people go into hookups, or one-night stands hoping to trigger a longer relationship.  And in fact, in a study that he did of 515 men and women in a college in the northeast, he asked ...

[scottbridge]

I know this is true for me. Having sex will bring forth a strong pair-bonding instinct in me, where I give a woman my feelings, my thoughts, my emotional and mental energy, my psychic and spiritual energy. She gets it all. And she'll have access to whatever material resources that I have. She'll have full access to my feelings, my thoughts, my life energy.

For this reason, this greatly limits how many women I become intimate with, why I'm well below average for the number of people I've had sex with during my lifetime.

I think everything you've said also applies just as much to people who are LGBT+. The same principles apply regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.

[welshhibby]

What is love ? Don’t hurt me don’t hurt more ‘

[niftyniff]

I doubt that this is the case for everyone, but for me it is.

[sebsensen]

I think it comes down to how one defines "casual". I can see how this can be argued one way or the other based on one's definition.

[beldonhuang]

Fairly interesting. Nevertheless, I believe that though sex does have the power to, as Helen points out, release the hormones that make you feel more or less attached to the other person whom you had sex with, a long-lasting relationship depends on, rather, the mutual understanding and emotional connection between partners. Good sex and fleeting feelings of love can surely maintain relationships for a brief period of time, however, if one wants a relationship to last, it depends on more than just that.

[CoCaptainAwesome]

So fascinating to see this and then compare to here further talks from over a decade later.

[profound-dee]

It's me searching you all over internet, and your content trying to understand the reason why I feel this weak for this guy I can't have, a guy who claims loves his girlfriend, some guy I have loved since 2009. I don't know mahn....am I even making sense? So in love with someone's person 😭

[Jazzybot]

Nope, sex is not love or intimacy, sex is sex.

[blackphilosopher]

Notice that the evidence (people's report about intentions) cited is prima facie inconsistent with the conclusion drawn physiological processes which are causally connected with emotional affect. Provocative title though

[abdurezakmohammed]

No wonder why I love myself so much 😂😂😂😂

[andreathompson-bghl]

Why is YouTube not playing the video? I am about to remove the app from my phone because it is progressively getting worse.

[Beary]

The headline is rather absolutist. It should read: "Why Casual Sex Doesn't Exist For Some People".

[Shiney_one]

She said,

52% of men and 50% of women are hoping to trigger long term relationship...

and then she says, in fact 1/3 of them did...

Did what?

Does that mean 1/3 responded to the question/interview? Or that 1/3 of 50%/52% did? What is the 1/3 stating?

Please clarify these statements.

And asking college kids is not representative of the majority. I'm not knocking the study, I am confused by the words she used. Would someone please explain what the statistics actually represent? Thanks

[YuliyaNYK]

Then why some people, usually men, loose interest after getting what they pursue? Or suggest sexual-only relationships, assuming they are still interested in sex not in relationships?

[yes]

Is there a corrallation here with hate

[dogiedaddy]

She's very typical of most psychologists.  There is no room in their system for evil, greed, hatred, etc.  Their whole system seems to be based on "normal" = white, upper middle class, in a equal partnership with one person, has a middle class job, city environment, with a couple of kids.  Everything else is abnormal.  And it seems addictions for them are only sex, drugs and alcohol, not money, things, clothes, eating,   etc.  Most of them don't really have a clue what to do for you except get you addicted to another "prescription" drug.

I took a psych major in undergrad.  At that time they said, psychotherapy had the same cure rate as no treatment at all, 50%

[nativesrilankan]

Brains can be rewired. Thats how casual sex is born. People rewire their brains not to have emotional attachments. Idk what shes on about.

[brittenyevans]

Times are different, and this doesn't apply to everybody 😅

[gracechen]

bruh this is blatantly not true imao. at least for me and many other people i know. not everybody operates like this

[Brararaf]

I'm. A guy 27 Im single and I love to have casual sex I had my share of women let's say... I'm usually very non emotional almost never want relationship. But here and there I catch feelings and it sucks sex is very power