Good sex explained in 9 minutes | Dr. Emily Nagoski

We’ve operated on a 4-phase model for sex therapy since the ‘60s. “Virtually everything” was wrong with that, according to Dr. Emily Nagoski.

How do you define sexual desire? It’s often thought of as a sparky force that strikes people spontaneously, such as when they catch a glimpse of someone whom they find attractive.

But that’s only one kind of desire. As sex educator Emily Nagoski tells Big Think, there’s also responsive desire, which is the desire we feel as a reaction to sexual stimuli, like touch and physical closeness.

As Nagoski explains, a better understanding of responsive desire can help improve the quality of long-term relationships, particularly by helping people realize that they don’t need to feel constant pressure to keep the sexual “spark” alive through spontaneous desire alone.

0:00 Screw the spark
1:44 3 phases of sex therapy
3:19 The sexual excitation & inhibition systems
4:49 How to create pleasure
6:44 How to talk about sex
8:34 Pleasure is the measure

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About Emily Nagoski:
Emily Nagoski is the award-winning author of the New York Times bestselling Come As You Are and The Come As You Are Workbook, and coauthor, with her sister, Amelia, of New York Times bestseller Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. She earned an M.S. in counseling and a Ph.D. in health behavior, both from Indiana University, with clinical and research training at the Kinsey Institute. Now she combines sex education and stress education to teach women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. She lives in Massachusetts with two dogs, a cat, and a cartoonist.

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Read more of our stories on sex:
Orgasm gap: The insidious reason women have fewer orgasms than men
Kama Sutra isn’t just about sex. It’s a guidebook for pleasure
What makes for a “great” sex life?

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Want more Big Think?

[mansasithole]

I've always told people that sex is more of a psychological rather than a physical experience. If you can capture your partner's mind, you will consistently have good sex with each other

[LucienNox]

I would genuinely enjoy sitting in a 5 hour lecture listening to her. She’s so passionate and engaging!

[butt]

These comments are terrifying. Just a heads up, YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO HER TO LISTEN TO WHAT SHE IS SAYING.

[jajiloves]

“I would rather have smoldering embers than a spark.” Wow, what a truly profound and beautiful way to summarize this video. So educational!

[timmytangerine]

She is brilliant. I love how she takes away the taboo around sex and makes the conversation loving and collaborative.

[DrRodox.]

2 things about this video:

1 - She is right. If you rely only to the "spark", you are relying only to whats "new". No relation can last with just what is new.

2 - The more is about internal and less about external, the more intense it is. Trust me, looks will only do the minimal.

PS: Example: Even if you are dating an Angelina or a Brad Pitt, their external beauty will be a blank space eventually, and what will truly hold is their character.

[corwin]

“You can’t have sex without a brain” is a new favorite

[skimmymilksclips]

Im still an adolescent, hearing others talk about sex has always made me feel different because I couldn't relate to spontantious desire, hearing about responsive desire is eye opening, thank you.

[brittanycyr]

This lady has taught me more about myself than anyone has. I had the biggest “aha” moment when I read her book. I feel like anyone struggling with desire and libido 100% should read her book

[diamondsndregs]

I would suggest that part of the compassion she mentions we should show ourselves (7:05) is to explore our own sexual fantasies (accelerator) and also to explore what represses our sexual interests (brakes), all without judgment. The brain really does matter to sex. I am reading her book Come As You Are, and I love that this video elevates important concepts from it. Both are excellent.

[bdi]

This makes it seem so very obvious that sex and sexuality education comes with so many positive benefits. And the lack/repression of it comes with so many harmful effects. I wish I grew up in a world where this level of knowledge and understanding was nurtured and cherished. One thing I think would be a good addition to this education would be warning people to not attach too much of their sexual desire on external and changeable things about the people that we want long and loving relationships with. As our bodies change as we age its important to have multiple things that turn us on about our partners so our sexual desire is not left in the cold when something external changes to something that doesn't exactly turn us on. Reminds me of Nat King Cole's song "Don't let your eyes go shopping for your heart."

PS. Just picked up your book on Audible after watching this vid. :)

[jas_bataille]

As someone who starting having sex "later" (23 years old) in life, because of neurodivergence, trauma and the desire to take things slow, this is *everything* about how I approach it! I never understood why people would rush such an important and intense thing. I had make-out sex without genital contact that was a completely life-changing experience. I waited later to have my first genital sex at the right moment and it was really amazing, too! I remember all the people who said their first experience was so awkward and weird because they hard rushed it. I used to be ashamed of being virgin, but now I think I made the right decision to not succumb to peer-pressure. I even had long-distance sex with simultaneous orgasms happening with my current partner...! It's truly unbelievable. I had a lot of conflicts and toxicity in some relationships, but having this natural mindset that this is about the brain first and body second really made my sex life great.

[artifundio]

So true. If your partner is not communicative, many things won't work in your relationship. It's true with desire and sex too.
Once the "honey moon" face is over, then is OVER for good if nobody is saying their mind out loud to each other.

[Timmytamtam]

Sex is really a psychological thing. My ex was totally my type but at some point I stopped enjoying doing it with him. I broke up and it was when I hooked up with a close friend of mine when I realised how much better it feels with Someone you fully trust. My ex was manipulative and too needy, so I was never really able to fully trust him. My body knew about this distrust before I did.

[blackbear]

This made me feel at ease. I’ve went through a bad breakup about 6 months ago and I’m still fighting to come to terms. Since the breakup my sexual desires feel like they have disappeared and I struggle to get the dude up. With a emotional connection with someone I care about and care for me I hope that desire will return, but I can’t see myself that far ahead.

[benjaminenriquez]

Ive had problems thinking that my sexual desire is broken, as soon as she explains the responsive desire i felt very related to that. A lot of stress just got out of my mind. Thank you

[carissapignatelli]

Thank you for making this video. I had a traumatic experience a while ago and part of me thought I became asexual because of it. But hearing this it shows me that it's just my brain working to protect me. Hopefully one day I'll be able to create a safe environment for myself again. You gave me hope

[AuthenticJourney]

One of the biggest things that helps couples have a phenomenal sexual relationship is being able to be your authentic self with that person. No communication topic is off limits

[healingfear]

While I listened, I felt like everything she spoke about was obvious. However, thinking back, I'm 40 now and I learned a lot the hard way. For example, before the divorce, my relationship with my ex-husband reached a point where our trust was damaged and I also felt like he was taking advantage of me in several ways and not giving back. I lost all desire for sex. It was obvious to me that I needed the trust repaired before I could feel that desire or arousal again. We went to couples therapy and the therapist essentially told me it was my duty to have sex, even when I didn't want to. I think this is terrible advice. I forced myself to have sex when I didn't want to and even hid my face when I started to cry. The marriage totally fell apart after the counseling, mostly because my ex refused to participate in any of the things he promised he'd do while we were in session with the therapist. Since then, I've learned ALL sex should involve an enthusiastic Yes. Otherwise, please find out what is going on with your partner and do your best to help make the context right for them, if it's in your power.

[zhiboli]

Communication is always important in a relationship. It did not surprise me that talking about sex and what kind of sex a person likes fosters a mutual understanding of what context creates the most pleasurable experience for both parties.