How to have 'real' orgasms | Emily Nagoski

The best orgasms come when you learn how to unlock a sexual “flow state.” Emily Nagoski, a sex educator, shares a meditation to help you get started.

When you see an orgasm depicted in TV, film, or even porn, you can be virtually certain it was faked. This can feed misconceptions about there being a “correct” way to orgasm. In reality, orgasms are complex phenomena that can result from a wide range of stimuli, and they are orchestrated primarily by the brain, not only the genitals.

Sex educator Emily Nagoski emphasizes the importance of familiarizing yourself with the full spectrum of pleasurable and arousing experiences, not just orgasms. Shifting focus from orgasms to overall pleasure can alleviate pressure, potentially leading to improved sexual experiences and, paradoxically, better orgasms.

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About Emily Nagoski:
Emily Nagoski is the award-winning author of the New York Times bestselling Come As You Are and The Come As You Are Workbook, and coauthor, with her sister, Amelia, of New York Times bestseller Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. She earned an M.S. in counseling and a Ph.D. in health behavior, both from Indiana University, with clinical and research training at the Kinsey Institute. Now she combines sex education and stress education to teach women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. She lives in Massachusetts with two dogs, a cat, and a cartoonist.

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Read more of our stories on sex:
What makes for a “great” sex life?
Five philosophers on the philosophy of sex
Kama Sutra isn’t just about sex. It’s a guidebook for pleasure

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[ashaide]

This was actually very educational and not just about sex. Thank you, Dr. Nagoski.

[koradelta]

she just scientifically explained what Edging is

[jonaswolterstorff]

Can we celebrate how fricking precise AND understandable she words and expresses things? It makes me wonder how many takes this took.

[Lapastel]

Sometimes you can't orgasm because it's the wrong partner. If you are stressed in a relationship the cortisol you produce will hinder pleasure. It happened to me in the last 3 years with my ex, I was desperate, I couldn't get there not even by myself.
I thought maybe I was just getting old.
With my current partner it's a breeze, so much so that I am starting to get there too fast!
We laugh about it, because I seem the man in the situation, saying "sorry, I couldn't help it".
And orgasm is surely a mind thing, because my ex was more physically attractive, but didn't get me at all, while my partner knows how to take care of me and make me feel loved and appreciated and we totally get eachother mentally. This makes him more attractive to me than anything else. The more years go by, the more we are in sync and devoted to eachother. Love is strong and so is sex.

[lilytea]

0:26: Orgasms vary from person to person and are not solely a genital function.
1:18: The brain plays a significant role in experiencing an orgasm, with a neurological marker indicating its occurrence.
2:05: The context in which an orgasm occurs can greatly impact its pleasurable or negative perception.
4:15: The little monitor assesses the ratio of effort to progress towards a goal and can push us into despair.
4:48: Taking orgasm off the table and exploring erotic sensations can help the monitor relax.
5:35: Connection with others is important for overcoming feelings of darkness or brokenness related to orgasms.
8:21: Stimulate arousal from 1 to 5, then let it dissipate to 1. Repeat process gradually increasing arousal levels until reaching 8-9.
9:18: When arousal reaches 8-9, actively allow it to dissipate by breathing and relaxing muscles.
9:42: At high arousal levels, carpal pedal spasms may occur involuntarily.
Recap by Tammy AI

[markwienands]

Jesus christ did she just unlocked for us THE ultimate skill?

[pych_wtch]

it's super interesting, that there's a whole science in this; after having experienced sexual trauma early on in my life, it created a very weird initial relationship with sex and pleasure for me, but through my own path of self discovery, it seems like i had learned this process through some subconscious process. the oscillation part especially resonated because i know exactly what i do to maintain that, through breathing and sound response loops. i was even trying to explain it to someone but lacked the eloquence to formulate it. but yeah, this is really brilliant, because i know from many people in my life that this isn't common knowledge or some intuitive interpretation of things. great video 🖤

[MikeTheSeeker]

Emily Nagosky, you are a wonderful person and you have helped so many people. Thank you sincerely for doing the work you do. I'm speaking for myself and for the many who just sit on the sidelines because they are afraid or ashamed to say anything. You take the insecurities so many have and you normalize them. ❤

[superbri]

Excellent information. And during the "How-to" description of the meditation, I thought, "Isn't this just edging?" Then I interpreted this as a bit more nuanced than just, a start / stop, which is edging. Edging is delaying gratification for the goal of having a really big orgasm at the end. This is on a much deeper level in that it will require patience, concentration, some self-discipline to ramp up without boarding that train on the O-Track, destination Orgasmtown. Her suggested meditation is also delaying gratification, but that comes up front (pun intended). If everyone knows what diminishing returns are, her suggested meditation would be akin to the law of increasing returns; over time, your time-to-orgasm decreases, until you find this optimal point.

My analogy is a bit abstract, but based on Dr. Nagoski's explanation, that indefinite sustainment of that 9 to 9.99 to 9, and so on and so forth would be the equivalent of not only getting on that train to Orgasmtown, but being a sort of creator, if you will, of laying out as little, or as much track as you would like.

Lastly, I couldn't think of a better way to de-stress, re-sensitize, and get in touch with yourself, and or a partner (or partners), than to essentially meditate with the motivation being pleasure. If you get it right, you can choose when you want to "get off" at Orgasmtown.

[LK-objc]

She's amazing! Her book "Come as you are" is a game changer. Thanks Emily

[dopaminewizard]

Never thought that this training technique would be taught by a sexual educator, 'cause this is pretty similar to something called "edging", in a more informal sex slang/practice, and actually is used like a sort of "torture" on some bdsm works.
I never was a fan of going "direct to the point", and the orgasm were all kinda of "Ok, that was great, but too brief.". So I started to try it, this going up/back down play as she precisely said (in an amazing description and didacts by the way).
And, hell, this makes the orgasm absurdly intense and longer when you finally gets there! I can asure that. Usually men have this urge to get there immediatelly and don't hold up, as a frustrating thing; but exactly this build of tension and release that she amazingly taught is the key, and worth the time to it.

[mooorgue]

I love how people are rejecting what she's saying because of their prejudice towards someone with blue hair

[Pllutus]

This video is amazing! I didn’t know that this was something that was actually studied, but the specific part about going into experiences with the specific goal to experience pleasure and NOT orgasms, is something that helped me so much with my ED a few years ago. The anxiety around performing an ACT and with a specific ending would fill me we so much anxiety that I couldn’t be there in the moment. Once we started trying to just enjoy the pleasure of being together and threw away any goals is when I truly started to enjoy having sex.

[jsp]

I love this. The whole idea of the femal orgasm being a clitoral or a vaginal orgasm always felt so archaic and freudian to me. Glad researchers are finally moving away from this idea.

[joshmcnulty]

These comments are harsh. She did a great job explaining the problems associated with sexual orgasms and explaining a viable solution. Good luck to whoever needs this - trial and error people. Takes time but once you’re there it’s a much better life!

[hv]

Holy snap. I will be trying out that exercise. For science!

[mayohsetsuna]

Most of my adult life I’ve been sexually active. Unfortunately, despite the amount of sex I was having, I could not orgasm. Only recently, with my current partner, have I actually been able to achieve one. Fairly frequently even! Some of them are definitely just in my mind, not physical at all! I really think that a good portion of WHY I couldn’t have one was because I really just wasn’t into my partner enough. The bond that I currently have is what makes it. ❤

[esteban]

6:12 so the exercise is basically edging for an hour instead of watching netflix? sounds good

[skarbuskreska]

My biggest brake on orgasm was my ex husband. We were both inexperienced as we were each others first. Though we had both masturbated before, and I could orgasm. Because we were inexperienced I didn't put too much pressure on him or myself first, we did other stuff like positions etc. But with the years it got more unpleasant for me, I kinda accepted I won't orgasm from sex with him, guess I'm built like that. But that put more pressure on masturbation bc I felt I need the outcome there at least. The whole sex was so uninteresting, I definitely got a hold of the fact that he wasn't curious, didn't want to try at some point, didn't really pay attention to me, and even though I did the right thing and told him directly what and where I like to be touched, he "forgot it" each time and I needed to remember him of it. He then did it, but without much enthusiasm, so it turned me off too. At one point we had very little sex, like once a month maybe.
I was of the opinion that there are so many more things that are important in a relationship a d life was busy, especially with kids. He then immediately divorced when I really pressured for changes, after I had talked about it one year prior and he asked for patience but nothing changed. I didn't want a relationship afterward but I wanted sexual pleasures, so I signed on a sex date platform, no romantical bullshit game, just pure honesty, circumstances were discussed before, so people were on the same page. For me it was the right decision. I finally experienced what good sex really is. Still couldn't orgasm instantly as there eas the goal pressure, but literally everything from carressing, kissing, fingering, oral sex etc etc was so much better. They guys (apart from one) really payed attention to what I wanted, really wanted me and I wanted them, I felt held, understood, simply respected. I was so angry at myself at some point that I had allowed him to be so bad and had just taken bad sex for at least 12 years if I remove 2 for learning phase and new experiences at first. Needless to say I did orgasm finally as one guy made it his goal to bring me there no matter how patient he had to be in arousing me and not taking my plateaus as the "enough goal". But because the rest of the sexual experience from begging to end was so much better overall, one lost orgasm here and there wasn't even a thing more, as I had so much pleasure otherwise.

So ladies, sometimes it can indeed be the partner. Did I mention my migraines, that I had gotten at some point in our partnership, also nearly completely vanished despite life with kids and work and more household was still super busy? My ex had been luke a HUGE heavy lid on my happiness and health.
Unfortunately I had just some great years as breast cancer and another chronic illness struck, to a point that even going out, dating etc were not possible anymore and it just got worse over the years. Had to have surgery for my vack and now walk on a rollator looking like Quasimodo, no appeal to noone anymore at 48 years if I even had the energy which I don't. On good days I still have myself to enjoy myself, but even that is made worse from my bidy dysfunctioning and medication. I really hate it here. Bad sex for so long, only 3 years fun and enjoyment max and then nothing for the rest of my shitty near zombie life anymore. Really didn't grab the lucky pot for life.

[Thatoneweirdmax]

Emily Nagoski needs to be in front of a camera, more. That's intro was absolute fire. The tone, the cadence, the shameless and friendly approach -- masterful. This was a great teaching moment. Love this quality of content.