Feeling like you're Never Good Enough?

I polled my audience and 92% of you said you always or sometimes feel like you are never good enough. This is so crushing. Believing that “you’re never good enough” can contribute to depression and anxiety, so we’re going to break it down in a way that won’t make you feel like a failure for feeling like a failure and explore some ways we can work through this. But first, let me tell you a story about a couch (I promise it’s relevant).

Feeling “Never good enough” is so big, so heavy, so scary, no one taught us what to do with these thoughts, and we’re afraid to take them out of the box, because maybe we won’t be able to handle them.

But the truth is, when we open them up, break them down into small pieces, and work through them with support, we can totally handle them. When we do this in therapy, I hear people say “Why didn’t I do that sooner? it wasn’t as bad as I feared”. So let’s do this with the belief that you’re “Never good enough,” and maybe we can keep you from getting a migraine and sweating profusely.

To deal with this harmful belief, we have to start by getting specific. Never good enough for what? If you don’t clarify what this imaginary finish line is, you’ll probably feel like you’re never reaching it. So let's unpack it.

Check out the timestamps below:
00:00 Intro
02:24 Feeling Never Good Enough
03:17 Other People Are Better Than Me
06:28 Perfectionism
09:55 I Haven't Reached My Goal Yet
11:24 Not Everybody Likes Me or Approves Me
13:58 Summary

Click on the link below to access the transcript.

Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC

[trevscribbles]

35 years of feeling inadequate. 18 years of addiction to mask it. And today I'm 10 months & 11 days sober with the realisation that the booze was simply a cosmetic affection covering a wound that required care & attention. I still don't wear self-esteem very comfortably, but I'm growing into it one day at a time 🙂 Good luck everybody!

[thundrtkr]

I’ve had a crayon in my hand my whole life, I put it down when I hit 18 and stopped drawing because I needed to ‘make something of myself.’ I’m 30 now, and I picked up a crayon again and I’m drawing up a storm. And everytime someone sees one of my drawings they’re shocked that came from me.
I struggle so much with being judged, but when I draw I am in this beautiful world that is flooded with self love and pride and I know people get joy from my art… I am good enough, today. I will try to remember that today I’m good enough.

[grace_koh]

I used to be afraid of failing. It all changed when I tried learning crochet during the pandemic. I kept failing at the basics, my right hand and left hand did not seem to cooperate. I failed so many times that I almost burst into tears. But instead of branding myself as a failure, I kept going. It's been 4 years now and I have completed a number of projects. Each time I fail now, I remind myself that I can do it, I just need practice.

[millennialwoman]

Not feeling good enough for me is rooted in a childhood filled with rejection from family, peers, teachers. Been carrying it for over 45 years

[sandrainontario]

Another YouTuber invented the word GETMO which stands for good enough to move on. I think of that word a lot and it really helps.

[amandabridget]

My journey with this question can be summed up with the dishes. When I was young my mom made me feel like I was never good enough. I, as a 10 year old, could voluntarily wash all the dishes and clean the kitchen hoping to please her. But she would scan the room for anything I hadn't done. “You didn't wipe the stove.” If I wiped the stove, “you didn't sweep the floor, ” etc. She was incapable of telling me I had done a good job. And I hated the dishes.

When I grew up I kept hating the dishes. I avoided them and they were never done, and of course that enforced that it was an unconquerable task. But oddly enough it was when I was very depressed that I had a breakthrough. I COULDN'T get it all done, so I decided to break it up into small parts. I put the clean dishes away. Then I washed the cups. Then the plates. Etc. I could take a break between parts. I could get 3 parts done even if it wasn't all of the dishes. I had done something. It was better than nothing. And eventually by doing small achievable parts I got to where I could finish them.

And when I realized I didn't have to perfectly complete every single piece together I also realized that this was an achievable task. I could do it. Now, for the most part, I keep my dishes washed every day. It's not too difficult and I don't hate it. I just had to learn that I didn't have to live up to impossible standards. And the irony of being able to do what I couldn't when I tried to be perfect was not lost on me. When the burden is lighter you can genuinely do more.

[ilyahohenstein]

“They’re accountable for reinforcing negative messaging over and over again, but you’re responsible for what you continue to believe, what you continue to feel.”
This is such a wonderful way to put it.

[barbaraam]

This video appeared at my feed on a terrible day. I discussed with a stakeholder at my job, had to give a very negative feedback about his constant behavior, had to escalate the situation to my boss. This stakeholder is a person that always question what I do, always contradicts me, always doubt everything I do and is the worse to cooperate with. He is also one of the dumbest people I ever met, no joke. But besides of being justifiably frustrated that he wanted to throw all my work in the garbage, I also feel frustrated that the never appreciate anything I do. And there's where your video show value. Why do I want the approval of a person I despise so much after everything he has done? This is very empowering. Thank you so much. It's good to remember this after a while. This will give me strength for the next steps. I'm confident I'm good enough at my job and shouldn't have him make me doubt not even a little about that. Thanks, Emma! As always, your videos are always a gem. s2

[msdeb]

A childhood filled with neglect made me feel as though I had no value. Always alone, always hungry, always the one with a no show parent.

[jiji_arra]

Literally being a perfectionist but not even realizing I am a perfectionist because I am not perfect enough… that was a wild trip. Thanks for the tips.

[amasterofone]

"Perfectionism also looks like withdrawing from people and opportunities because we're afraid of messing up" 😦Stopped me dead. Had to pause and go back and listen to this like 5 times. I had an abusive first marriage and have internalized a lot of the emotional and mental abuse. I'm now working through it in therapy but it has manifested in all areas of my life for two decades. In the last few years I've almost become a shut in, which is not in my nature. I want to be out living life but I'm just so scared.

[CarlosReveles]

Actually laughed with the couch story, so thank you for that!
Deleted this comment at first because I thought no one would care for what I have to say. But here it is, in all it's glory, otherwise I would have wasted 16m20s of my life and some pretty good content (story + advice!).

[ikeincognitus]

Honestly the couch story put the biggest smile on my face

[BarbGreenwood-sl]

I fell upon your messages by accident. I'm a substance abuse counselor and peruse you tube for messages for groups. I'm almost 74 years old and have been struggling with the stuff you're talking about all my life. I've been to a ton of therapists and have lots of insight into why I'm like this, and have made some progress, but just seem to hit a wall. It seems so engrained in me that I'm flawed in some way. I have strong faith in God and try to see myself through His eyes, that helps, but I just like I'm not good enough. I struggle with motivation for chores, but I seem to keep myself buys away from my house. I just really appreciate the way you present these messages, very practical and easy to listen to. I'm really good at helping other people deal with this stuff, just don't apply to my own life. Thanks for listening.

[Piecesoftheshadow]

Not feeling good enough for me came from many places and it was always external. Religion, society, family unintentionally, my peers. I internalised all their expectations and repressed parts of myself. This all kept feeding into that monster inside that reminded I “wasn’t good enough” for one reason or another even if I felt deep down it wasn’t true. Conditioning from your entire life feels impossible to break free from.

[JohnM...]

Problem is, feeling unworthy or not good enough is in the depths of the subconscious, so it’s not easy to ‘remove’ it. 😢

[PatchworkDragon]

When I start thinking that (usually due to job hunting), I think about a bird in a pet shop. The bird can be absolutely perfect, but that still doesn't mean I have the money and time for it - often, the reason we aren't "chosen" has nothing to do with us as individuals at all.

[ikasugami]

I've finally come to learn that liking myself is more important than being liked by everyone else.

[paulavaleyogaevida]

2:43 The magic words..."with support..."

[marycole]

Your content is so healing! What a gift for you to share, especially in our worry-filled society.