The Typical Backstory on Neurodiverse Marriages: Why You're Having Problems!

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[smolove]

This is my husband and I...married over 13 years with twin boys and it's been so heartbreaking. I feel like my empathy has expired but I love him so much and have never wanted to abandon him because i know so much about his childhood. And my childhood makes me want to also not have a broken family. I keep praying for healing and understanding and repair. Thanks to Mark I have learned a lot❤

[jenn_jean_kent_artist]

You nailed it Mark. In our case, it turns out we BOTH have neurodiversity, and fall in differences places on the spectrum. It’s a hot mess Asd/Asd with adhd and Cptsd X 2.
😅😅🎉🎉

[adrianmargean]

I didn't know what was wrong with me for my entire life and I felt like I might be just stupid or just "wrong". I am glad that I have found so much information on YouTube because no one else cares enough to talk about these issues and tipically, doctors don't listen to you when you explain it, or at least they don't listen to it with an open mind, enough to where they can probe or investigate further to be able to reach a diagnosis. My life still sucks and finding the right information didn't "cure" me, I struggle every day, but at least I know what I'm working with.

[markhutten]

This back story is what I run into a lot when I'm talking to neurodiverse couples. In other words, here are some of the Dynamics in place that lead up to the problems you're having today. There's some variability from couple to couple, but this video describes the bulk of what you may have experienced in your ND marriage…

[elephantchang]

So right about ASD childhood.Basically the nt world tortures us when we are weak and defenceless and the resulting trauma colours the rest of our lives.We partially recover in time but we are permenantly damaged and what makes it even harder to bear is our torturers often weren't even deliberately trying to harm us but to 'correct' us without understanding anything about us.

[leejordan]

For me is the opposit. My whife doesn't want to accept that I am autistic. I figured it out because of our son was suspected as autistic and he is. First I tought he is just like me. And it clicked. I started to learn about autism, and now I am confident I am. Problem is my whife don't want to accept it. Now I am seeking diagnosis for prooving and for validating myself and my life-long struggle with basic life. I hope she will accept it some day and we can form a more comfortable life to live together. Because as it is now is unlivable to me. I am like a shell of a person right now. We spent 9 years together and I am on the bottom of my energies because of constant masking and living as I was an extroverted life eating man. The toughest thing is when I coming out as who I am my whife say: you wern't like this befor. Was all of that a lie? The hardest thing to make her understand that masking is a totally different thing than lieing. It is a surviving mechanism burnt into our reflexies from early childhood to barely make it to the end of days alive... Otherwise normal people would look us as wierd aliens or retarded worthles beings and they would constantly punish and ashaming us for being different. That is the story of my kindergarten and early school years...

[JJJettplane]

My ASD spouse never took the effort to mask and present himself as connected from the very beginning, and I knowingly walked into the marriage I knew was lacking deep connection. I know I did this because I also didn't receive any emotional nurturing from either parent growing up. The things that attracted me in the beginning are the things that help me stay married today. He's sincere, stable, predictible, and basically kind. But there is absolutely no intimacy whatsoever. He is a very mute ASD person and I have to build my life toward my own happiness and accept the loss, thus taking the pressure off of him to be something he isn't and never will be.

[samanthajane.]

Hi Mark. Ive been watching your videos for a while and they have really helped our relationship.
We are one of those couples that find our differences compliment each other. 1 year later and we are still going strong, and thanks to all your tips and advice it looks like we have a good future together too. I am older and have high empathy, and my partner is very affectionate so I am lucky
Thank you for all your help Mark🙂

[Joanndanella]

Thank you, Mark. This is our story. We won't give up and we are in counseling with a specialist in ASD. I love your videos. We are seniors, me 65 and him 71; we have been married 33.5 years, and this video is right on. Looking forward to getting involved in your groups. I plan to share this video with my husband and our counselor. We will not quit - we want our relationship to work with more understandings on ways to handle the stuff that comes up. Thank you again.

[ADORABEL]

Ive never thought I would ghost somebody. But I did it. 4 days in. I can’t handle being with him anymore. Everything is my fault. He never shows affection. I’m done. Love him deeply but love my sanity more

[monikasolanki]

This is my story… word by word exact same… I am feeling relieved and also crying that this is my story, why why this happened with me?

[lauravaldez]

I’m trying to learn how to be his safe place. For several years I’ve given him anxiety. I don’t want to cause him stress. I can now be soft with him. He knows I love him. I appreciate his exceptional strengths. Yes, we can balance more efficiently now.

[hliljan]

On point. He was like a stamp on me our first years. I felt heard and seen. Then he dropped out. I’s hard to think about when We got our 3 child and he was visiting at the hospital and did’nt see me at all. All the spouses gave their spouse a hug and saw their vulnerability and tiredness. He just looked and was occupied with something else. He neither saw me or our newborn child 😢

[sarahbannon]

What do I do when he’s not interested in attending counselling and finding how we could improve the relationship, and just blames me for all the issues? I went to counselling and have been working hard to address my issues, and learn how to understand and communicate compassionately with my partner, but he had no interest in doing anything, and now it’s like we live separate lives in the same house.

[pianogal]

Thank you for this review. Yes, it was close to our backstory. We’ve been married 31 years. I’ve gone through all of those stages you mentioned. I’m trying to be good to him. I have resigned to my situation. I don’t get mad at him anymore but we talk sometimes about how to handle difficult social scenes where he has anxiety and so can help him. We sometimes talks briefly about what we each need. Very short and to the point and not judgy. Thanks for the review. Sometimes I need to know this ASD thing is real. I appreciate your videos so much. We went to counseling a couple of times in January and February. It really helped us.

[caseyratcliff]

15 plus years til I gained knowledge to what is and became aware.
This hits the nail on the head in every aspect!

[pattypierson]

You don’t know how much this helps me. My husband is on the spectrum I’m sure and there is a big difference when the male is on the spectrum vs the female.

[hazelhatswell]

Gosh spot I had come out of a, once happy, 32 year marriage because of his 10+ years of alcoholism and then I met this lovely person .. the complete opposite to what I’d been used to. Looking back and, knowing what I know now, there were triggers …. I look upon our journey as a massive learning curve … not always smooth going I can tell you!! He is a lovely guy but it’s still a work in progress and he’s still in denial as it’s still all my fault as far as he’s concerned. Patience and continued learning all I can … thank you Dr H, you’re a godsend and I cannot thank you enough ❤️

[philiprebeccaconte]

Just finished the video. 4:00 EST I think I may have finally found the answer to what I’ve been searching for for the past 27 years. I can’t believe how you so accurately have your finger on the pulse of this matter and can share the feelings on both sides!!! I am not an NT wife, however. I’m also neurodivergent (ADHD) but still your explanations resonate with me. Thank you so much for sharing your insight & knowledge. This is a start in the right direction.

[donlorabauer]

Just wanted to say thank you! I’ve known for years that my husband has Asperger’s tho not officially diagnosed. I know you are mostly speaking to those WITH Asperger’s but you are totally helping me understand him better! Our marriage LIVES on the rocks and we’ve been married for almost 20 years. It has been SO very difficult for both of us, but we are learning HOW to love each other. Thank you for your insight!