Harvard negotiator explains how to argue | Dan Shapiro

Dan Shapiro, the head of Harvard’s International Negotiation program, shares 3 keys to a better argument.

Americans are increasingly falling into the “tribal trap,” according to Dan Shapiro, author of “Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts.”

The tribal trap often centers on politics. Those ensnared in it will do anything they can to shut down the other side in an effort to prove that their side is right, just, and the only way forward. But from abortion to immigration, the problem is often not what we’re arguing about, it’s how.

So, how can we have more productive conversations? In this Big Think interview, Shapiro uses his negotiating expertise to outline several strategies to escape the tribal trap and communicate effectively, including understanding the core values of the other side, listening intently to what they’re saying, conveying that you understand what they’re saying, and finding common ground.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

About Dan Shapiro:
The founder and director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program, Daniel Shapiro teaches a highly evaluated course on negotiation at Harvard College; instructs psychology interns at Harvard Medical School/McLean Hospital; and leads executive education sessions at the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School, Harvard Kennedy School, and Harvard Medical School/McLean Hospital. He also has served on the faculty at the Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy, Tufts University, and at the Sloan School of Management at Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

He is author of Negotiating the Nonnegotiable, which Matthew Bishop of the Economist Group called “quite simply, the best book I have ever read on negotiating in situations of extreme conflict.” He also is coauthor with Roger Fisher of the negotiation classic “Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Read more of our stories on negotiation:
What is tactical empathy and how can it help in negotiations at work?
5 laws for leaders who want to build trust
Theory of mind: What chess and drug dealers can teach you about manipulation

About Big Think | Smarter Faster™
► Big Think
The leading source of expert-driven, educational content. With thousands of videos, featuring experts ranging from Bill Clinton to Bill Nye, Big Think helps you get smarter, faster by exploring the big ideas and core skills that define knowledge in the 21st century.
► Big Think+

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Want more Big Think?

[bigthink]

What do you think of these 3 steps to conflict resolution?

[maximevarde]

A man once said, “arguing with a smart person is hard but arguing with a dumb person is dam near impossible.”

[AndreasHontzia]

If you have two parties arguing on eye level, this is possible. Most conflicts I struggle with, is with someone, who has zero interest in solving a problem. They want to prolong the problem, so that they have something "to fight for". It is toxic. They don't want to have their problems solved, because then they will loose their "why".

[---ndyx]

This guy is a REALLY good speaker. We need more people in leadership positions who can communicate this well.

[iliya]

How to argue - Summary:

1. Know thy self - See your identity clearly and control your emotions and reactions - Stand in your power - Actor instead of Re-Actor
2. Appreciation - Consciously listen to see the other side - Recognize your power to appreciate, it's important to know what others believe
3. Affiliation - Find common ground, search for value and understanding - Love instead of seggregation

[ifeelsappy]

"If you argue with me, you're gay"
The simple, yet unbreakable spell used by classmates

[mattc]

Yes, a HUGE part of having a successful argument is to find common ground. Also:
- Don’t view conflict as the other person has to lose in order for me to win.
- Don't confuse getting even with getting what you want.
- It’s not what you say, it’s what they hear.

[vikassinghmar]

I once read an interesting quote:- "Never argue with a stupid person because first he will drag you down to his level and then defeat you with his experience".

[hugo]

Can someone appreciate this video editing? amazing combination of key words, messages, images to reinforce... I loved it!

[joaopadua]

How to argue?
1-Yell loudly
2-If that doesn't work threaten the other personal with financially, physically or really anything you have in your grasp
3-If the threats do not work attack them relentlessly in whatever way you can. Do not stop until they are dead or out of reach

[Lee_music]

I've mostly found that keeping your cool and composure is the your best asset in arguing, and using your words very thoughtfully, as to not offend the other party, and to effectively express your point of view, eye contact is a must, and overall tone and tempo of the conversation. All of these are important. And putting yourselves in the other ones shoes, and trying to see it from their eyes as well, and being understanding of their view points, as long as it falls within reason.

[qelipq-]

I’m only 19 I’ve got a lot to learn but recently I’ve realized how important it is to listen honestly to the others point of vue. If you go into an argument or a debate with the idea that you’re going to destroy the opposition you’re never going to win in your opponents eyes only in the eyes of the watchers. If you want to make real change, change someone’s mind it starts with respect and finding common ground is a really important step. I loved this video it really articulated what kind of person I want to be while arguing/debating or just discussing any subject

[gozvestor]

This is great! Love the part where you acknowledge taking a moment to hear what the other party is trying to communicate. We speak to be heard but never take the time to actually listen to what others are saying.

[haadiyakhan]

As a law student, this one video feels incredibly powerful. most of the time, we want to just prove the other person wrong and that is when negotiation comes to the fore front because that when you want to essentially listen to what the other perspective is. even if you don't want to agree, you can simply respect that opinion.
three steps to conflict resolution:
1)keep emotions on a lower pedestal;
2) keep the other person in your shoes and yourself in theirs;
3) always remember to disagree but never disrespect.

[juanfragueiroaramburu]

We’re forgetting a most important aspect: parties have to be willing to change their minds in the light of logical arguing. This is called - or I call it - “intellectual honesty”. Sometimes people can be half right but other times a six is a six and it can never be a nine.

[mooimaduckright]

i always try to apply understanding and appreciation in my arguments (and i dont think im bad at arguing thus far) but i guess now i should try to apply affiliation and see how it goes. great 4-minute video!

[Aeterin]

So basically I have been following this for years lol.

I just bought up my own version on how to debate/Argue:

1)Never react to the threats/points that the opponent may use to trigger you

2)Throw certain things at them and see how they react, if they don't react continue with the 3rd step.

3)Listen to the others and see their morals and thoughts. Find a middle ground and settle.

You can end a debate by both sides agreeing, it isn't necessary for anyone to win or lose.

[BalkanBiker]

4 minutes of my life not wasted. I have been in these situations. Listening to someone with a different opinion and finding a common ground always gave the best results. I'm the type who argues a lot, so I've tested pretty much all of it.

[Polly_Huang]

In every debate, I've always try and put myself in the adversary position first before starting to talk. Try to understand where they're coming from, trying to be objective. But more often than not, in most debates, we have always end up try to proving the other side was wrong. Having a healthy debate is what we want, but that's not what always gonna happen in reality.

[waynesgood]

I really needed this, I'm not very good at argueing but I like to share my opinion/ my stand or point of view. Also, I liked that how you explained things very calmly yet very effective.
Thank you Sir!