How do you stop MASKING your Autism?

Let's have a discussion about unmasking. I was nervous to make this video because I feel like I don't have the answers for you. But I think this is an important topic to broach because it is something we all struggle with. What has been your experience?

Hi! I’m Claire, and this is my channel, Woodshed Theory. Here you will find the awkward ramblings of an adult autist. I love being creative and sharing my experiences with you. Subscribe to see more DIYs, Discussions, and Bunnies on your feed!

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[readingwithgoblins]

The autism diagnosis is simultaneously an awareness of who we are and an identity crisis.

[gillywild]

I think this is such an important topic. I am in my 6th decade and still undiagnosed (officially) After many years of unconscious masking and with some degree of Alexithymia, I really struggle to have any sense of who I really am. I feel like I am just a collection of characters that I have invented to suit some particular occasion, like a closet full of old clothes. I would urge everyone on the spectrum to think often about what they actually feel & like & want, and try always to keep a hold on who you really are. It’s work, but we have to prioritize it for our own sake :)

[charliemopps]

I was finally diagnosed out of the blue at the age of 46. When I learned about masking, realized I was doing it and not only that, but that I was REALLY good at it... I'm a master... I had an existential crisis. I had serious self identify concerns... But after a conversation with my therapist I came to the conclusion that I think a lot of our concerns about masking are overblown. If you really think about it, everyone masks. Even neurotypical folks. They want to fit in to, and nobody is totally 'normal' naturally. So you pick out the traits that you think make a "good person" and emulate them. So it's not even like you're faking some stranger... You're emulating your vision of the ideal person... Which is a noble goal, and really it's how you turn yourself into a better person overall. The problem isn't the masking, the problem is that those of us that were undiagnosed as we got older, we were lacking some very important information when we developed our masks or strategies for dealing with life. So some of our habits or strategies can end up being unhealthy for those with ASD... Because we didn't know we had ASD when we started those habits. So we're in this weird position where we have the wisdom of age, but that wisdom was built on some false premises. So now, later in life, we have to reflect on some pretty basic things everyone learned in grade school/highschool, and relearn how to approach those things. As far as I'm concerned, we all mask, and we always will. It's part of life. But the way in which you mask changes depending on your world view. If you have ASD but don't realize it, you're going to create the wrong kind of mask. One that can cause you pain. Because you built it off the advice of folks who didn't have autism. Now that you know you have autism, you have to go back over some pretty rudimentary life skills, and rethink how you approach those situations with the new found knowledge that you have ASD. I used to say I hated people, they were all dumb, I didn't really want friends. But that was just a mask I'd put on to make it look like I'd chosen this fate for myself. Yes, it helped me save some pride by making it look like I was right where I wanted to be, but in reality, I really did want more friends and disposing that outward image wasn't helping the situation. Now I can just say "I have ASD, it makes socializing hard for me." I don't have to hide the fact that I tend to piss everyone off because now I know, it's not my fault, I'm not being a jerk, I really don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't have to be ashamed anymore, and now importantly, now I have new knowledge that will make dealing with that situation a lot easier. I've started going to autism meetings locally and oh my God, prior to those meetings I'd never been in a room where I felt like I belonged and was understood.

[kracklinkamphyre]

I think for me I'm so used to how it feels to mask that I now think that when I search for my "authentic self" I approach it like looking for a mask that feels more "me". But I think the key is to truly take off the mask. It should feel like nothing. It's not "trying to act more genuine" it's actually not trying to be anything. I just think many of us have masked for so long we don't know and can barely conceive of what that would feel like. It's like if you've never had to get naked to change clothes, you could just "poof" be wearing a different outfit. All our lives we've poofed into the outfit we think will fit the situation. Even when we're by ourselves we still have some kind of outfit on. So we don't really know what it's like to be naked. And to the extent we can picture it a little it sounds super scary and vulnerable and like everyone will judge us. But that's what I picture needing to do (metaphorically, not literally going out naked in public!). Yeah. Hope that makes sense!

[jeffreypollan]

Please don’t stop singing! I also often find myself singing sentences, often repeating things I’ve heard, but not in public. At one point in my life, I had a diagnosis, pre-DSM-V, of Asperger’s Syndrome. It is only recently, by watching relatable videos like this, that I have begun to identify as being on the Autism Spectrum.

[buttercxpdraws]

I’ve only managed to unmask in front of my daughter and any new people I meet. But with people that I knew before my diagnosis when I was masking heavily, I just can’t unmask in front of them. I actually try to avoid them because I can’t help but mask for them and I really don’t like doing that any more.

[sueannevangalen]

Another important thing to think about when we're talking about masking is that I think we often do it to try and please other people. I think that right there is the entire reason why I do it and why I didn't think of it as "masking' -- it was just trying to be "agreeable" in my mind. And it's hard to get out of that mentality and start thinking things like, "What would I be doing right now if I didn't have to please everybody else?" Would I be silent instead of making small talk? (YES). Would I be looking somewhere else instead of making eye contact? (YES). Lately, I've been avoiding eye contact altogether and it's been very freeing. It's helpful to shift into that mindset where I start to consider, what do I really want to do in X situation.

But it's hard because non-autistic people think that looking them in the eye and talking to them is how you show that you like them. And it's like, if you are an agreeable person, it's very distressing to think that someone might not like you, especially when it's not at all the case.

It is a super tough question, and it was also a great video on the subject.

[FreehandlyMadeAuCrochet]

For me unmasking is happening by layers; 5 years since my diagnosis and I'm getting closer to being the real me. Masking has caused so much mental and emotional trauma and a compete identity crisis. The fog is lifting more and more each day and for that I am thankful. Is it hard work, absolutely but so much better than the alternative. I still struggle with figuring out how I'm feeling or articulating how I'm feeling. Thank you for sharing this topic and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with us. 💜

[alissaride]

FINALLYYYY someone who relates to not fitting into any social group. I hate categorizing and compartmentalizing people bc I know everyone is unique but I always feel like everyone I meet always fits into about 10 different subcategories I've created in my head and I don't fit into any of them, I don't want to say I'm "not like everyone else" but gosh it really FEELS like I am not! Almost everyone reminds me of someone else. I admire the most the people who I've never "seen" before in anyone else, people who feel truly original to me.

[kariannefimland]

I agree Claire, it is very difficult to remove the mask because it is difficult to know what is masking and not. I find if I feel I am forcing myself to be a certain way or say something in a specific way, then I am masking. When I am not masking, it feel more effortless. But also, some things are so ingrained, over time, that it becomes natural even when it really isn't. I am sure you get what I mean. ;) Either way. You can only controll your own opinion of yourself, not of everyone around you. 😘

[danab]

This video helped me a lot more than one of those "3 ways to unmask" videos would have. Just being honest and real is so powerful. Isn't that what unmasking is? You are showing us that. It's beautiful, by the way.

[mudotter]

I have only embraced autism via a self diagnosis, recently at 58, but in general people start to unmask in their 40's and women especially in their 50's. Neurotypical or not. My unmasking looks a lot like honouring my inner 5 year old. She's the part of me who defiantly says, "I don't want to!" (Hear a snarky tone) She's the part of me that will start the meltdown when i am trying to hold it in. It's being honest to others about your reality and limitations. You may want to have a response for them, but you need time to formulate your words. "I'll get back to you on that."
It's admitting that you are having to be inconvenient, in order to participate in interactions because you need things a certain way in order to function. It's admitting certain people, by their very nature trigger you. I have finally, made that work for me, without having to suffer. One women who comes in part time where I work, initially caused me meltdowns. She was loud, moved fast, and gave orders. I couldn't handle it and it caused me melt downs. Luckily I have an understanding boss. The first time, it happened I did what I usually do find the smallest, most distance job and do that, but I told my boss why I had to do it. I broke down boxes and swept floors for the rest of the day. I also, and this was huge, told the other person, who is actually a very talented and upbeat person. "You are fine! It is me!" without explanation. Since people like to avoid what weirds them out, it was enough for her. Her occasional presence has triggered me a couple of times, but I make a point of interacting with her when i am not triggered, telling her, I like her work, and "It's me, not you, trust me on that." I am sure my boss has since told her I am on the spectrum. My boss knows I do not adapt to sudden changes in routine well, and gives me time to rally.
I really didn't want to be working anymore, as a women in my late 50's or being neurodivergent, but this job has helped heal so many wounds from my working past. Knowing how many times neither I nor the people who had to deal with me, knew what to do with me.
Another thing I learned, is I can really only socialize as a teacher or information provider, or boss. All other conversations are more difficult and I am not very good at them. Admitting your not good at something is an important part of unmasking too. Luckily my job is working in a garden centre and I have education in horticulture. In my volunteer work, I coordinate a community ceramics studio, and my other education is a BA in Visual Arts and I am professionally a ceramic artist. In both scenarios, I am quite confident and comfortable most of the time.
When I do watch people, in the ceramics group for example, go into a closed conversational bubble and are having a lot of fun, I feel like an outsider, but I remind myself, it's okay. It has no bearing on me, and I actually do not enjoy that kind of thing anyways. I also accept that meltdowns will happen after situations like that. Its a release, and it's my normal.
I kind of had a head start with the ASD diagnosis. (I was diagnosed with ADHD and Fibromyalgia) I started realising by my 40's people didn't like me, but a few really love me, and I am so grateful for those few. I've had one friend since we were 17. So I stopped trying to fit in, or pretend most of the time. Only my passing customers get a masked version of me, and even then, I sneal out from behind the mask and baffle them occasionally, Lol. Thank you for being vulnerable, It does get better. Facing the limitations, and welcoming them, is a great place to start. Especially if you were always told how smart you are. You can be smart and dumb at the same time. And get good at it ☺

[mytruecolors]

Just diagnosed at the age 40+ after a big burnout. I am still at the level of digesting the news and getting overwhelmed from not realizing the obvious all those years. Now they will start medicine for anxiety and depression first, and just started therapy. My body falls apart from stress and I do not even realize I have anxiety till they tell me I have anxiety. How am I gonna understand if I am masking or not, too much work is waiting for me. I see that autistic women are very different, we do masking and seem normal. I really liked your channel, it looks genuine. Also thanks everybody for all the comments below, even my best friend does not know it yet since I left the country for a while. (I am not a native English speaker, sorry if there are typos or so)

[buttercxpdraws]

Lol. I can’t stop singing your intro either! Every time I hear ANY creator say “like and subscribe”, I INSTANTLY sing out loud “hit the subscribe button, ring the bell” Woodshed Theory Style. It drives my teenage daughter crazy, but I can’t stop either 😂💕😊

[Twinklefairlady]

I love your intro. Keep singing and being your fab and wonderful self. If you do things that others find annoying, that's on them, it is their problem not yours. I love your videos and your honesty. The more I read and watch stories and experiences of how autism presents in women, the more I believe that the reason I am the way I am is because I am autistic. It all makes sence with how i have and do experience the world, and have done for the past 47 years.

[whitneymason]

Makeup has always been a physical part of my mask when going out in the "real world". It's my warpaint. Great video Claire! ❤️

[izzyhendrix]

So refreshing you are! First, I think it's 100% right on track for you to not know exactly who you are right now. I am in the same boat. I am only 1.5 years into diagnosis and I had 33 years of masking and trying to prove I knew who I was & impress everyone... so of course it takes a significant amount of time to untangle all that and re-examine the self to figure out what you really like now. I will say I think you are super unmaksed in your porch coffee videos and I adore those! I feel like I can really see who you are and I think she's awesome. Also, a big part of unmasking for me has been accepting that some people will always be annoyed by me, won't like me, won't get me etc. Because all of my masking was to fit in and be liked, I am finding this part to be the hardest to be ok with and feel safe with. It just takes a lot of time and practice and reminding myself that I like me, I am ok exactly how I am and if people don't jive with me, that's ok, those are not my people... there are soooo many freaking people and I can only interact so much anyway, so why am I trying to get everyone to like me? its exhausting. I also think it's important to remember that we all change as we age and go through different phases in life so checking in with yourself and making sure you are doing things because they make you happy is a life long process and it's worth it. I am just trying to be extra nice to myself these days and be ok with whatever parts of me that show up. trusting myself finally instead of looking to others to validate my existence & experiences is my hard work right now. I think it's natural for unmasking to take time and experimenting to see what feels good and what doesn't won't happen overnight or just because you read a few books, ya know. And also remembering that every autistic person is different, so our unmasking paths will all look a little different too. p.s. I put on glasses when I need a little extra buffer too <3

[shadowfox]

"Stop singing" XD
That's honestly one of my favorite things about your videos. Please keep doing it :D

[charlyheather]

It is a very important topic, thank you so much for addressing it! I'm late diagnosis as well (at 36 I think). Sometimes for me unmasking is becoming aware of not-doing something that I would like to do, checking in with the why ("because one does not do that" "because the other people might think..") and then giving myself allowance to do it anyway. That can be asking an awkward question, or fidgeting, or makind myself more comfortable, or.. But that is still not "all unmasked", of course... and not always an option. But becoming aware and making it a conscious decision does help, I feel.

[moiponethaane]

Unmasking after a late diagnosis of autism... That has become my new focus now, shifting from struggle with imposter syndrome. So far what works for me is remembering to forgive myself for all those times I misunderstood myself and was hard on myself. Also to remind myself everyday that I do belong, in my own way and in my own space, and that I AM OKAY. Now trying to figure out what "Just be yourself" means, how to be me without mimicking