What Does CLINICAL DEPRESSION Feel Like? (Major Depression)

Noah Thomas (bignoknow) is an affiliate of LetsGetChecked

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This video is for educational and documentary purposes only and is not intended to treat or diagnose. The opinions expressed are that of the individual in the video and nobody else. Please consult a health care professional for all mental and physical healthcare needs.

I Noah Thomas, the creator of this channel, have been diagnosed hypogonadism by a medical doctor and legally prescribed the medically indicated treatment of Testosterone Replacement Therapy.

My Story

My name is Noah and on May 18 2011, I had a rare reaction to a medication called VIVITROL and consequently, spiraled into a suicidal depression with depersonalization and anxiety. I lost 25 lbs in 4 weeks and was in full panic or near panic for 8 weeks straight mixed with the darkest most painful depression I cold have ever imagined. I immediately could not work and had to move in with my parents who, along with many siblings and friends, had to watch me 24/7 as I was a danger to myself. Eventually I was hospitalized in the Psych Ward for a week. Getting through each day seemed truly unbearable and I knew I would surely die. I have been put on many many different doctor prescribed SSRI's SNRI's Tricyclics, mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, holistic meds, acupuncture and even a form of shock therapy called RTMS. I barely saw any improvement in my condition for a full year. It was decided I had treatment resistant depression and I spent nearly every moment in tears. Weeks after starting my newest round of medications (Seroquel & Nortryptaline) as a last ditch effort, I had my blood drawn for possible hormone imbalances and my Testosterone levels came back 200 ng/Dl and 150 ng/Dl. The average 25 year old male has 750 ng/Dl. With this discovery I had an explanation as to why I was not getting better and why I might be so so sick. The symptoms of Low T are very similar to those of major depression. I started legally prescribed testosterone replacement therapy soon after and have been checking in with the world and documenting my experience with treatment as well as giving my insight and perspective on various topics of mental health. I am blessed to say that I have slowly, over the last 6 years, been improving and becoming more stable which I never thought to be possible. My low T manifested itself in the form of Major depression, anxiety, and depersonalization/ derealization for over a year. Treating my low testosterone has been 1 HUGE part of the puzzle but I have had to continue to work hard to hold on to my mental stability with many set backs. Gaining some mental stability back is nothing short of a miracle as I was near death for what felt like forever. I do not consider myself to be totally healed yet but I am closer now then ever before and aim to use what I have been through to help or at least offer support to others in need I was able to successfully come off my Seroquel and Pamelor.

I work out all the time as a part of my mental health recovery!!! Weight training and all kinds of cardio rule much of my free time and I also share this on my channel.

Noah Thomas (bignoknow) is an affiliate of LetsGetChecked

[bosgotnojams]

People who have healthy minds are very lucky.

[Will-hiiy]

The best analogy I've personally seen describes depression as being homesick, but not actually knowing where your home is.

[tikiduck]

Depression is going to bed at night and fervently hoping you won't wake up.
A world that used to be in color is now black and white.
Death seems like an old friend, waiting in the car...honking the horn for you to hurry up.

[jaylamb]

it feels like boredom but not wanting to do anything, hunger but not able to eat, it feels like there is an elephant standing on your chest, it feels like shame, it feels like you are literally going crazy, it feels like invisibility, it feels like numbness, it feels like guilt and self loathing, the pain is unbearable and so you search for relief

[karendevine]

I'm 51 now and I've been suffering from major depression and anxiety my entire life. For me depression feels like a dark heaviness encasing my whole body in a kind of concrete. Everything is difficult to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. Nothing is fun. You basically lose your will to live. Many times I don't want to leave the house. I want to hide from people because other people make me feel worse. It's a deep lonliness, yet you desire to have friends and join groups. I suffer from physical problems as well, such as IBS. My family thinks I'm lazy and have no ambitions. They say I have remained stagnant. I constantly beat myself up and feel self-destructive. On the outside I appear normal, but on the inside I am dying. I've thought about suicide a lot. I even wished I had cancer so I could die soon without having to kill myself. I've waited by the train tracks trying to get the courage to throw myself in front of a train. Depression and anxiety is a real thing. It's a deep hurt within your heart. No one wants this. Nothing is desirable. Sleeping is a relief, but I still have weird dreams and nightmares. The worst part of it is that people who don't have depression/anxiety have no idea what you suffer. I've been on many medications and although they take the edge off a bit, they don't cure it. Life is a constant struggle. There is no joy. I understand why many people with this condition take their own lives. I just hope that an increase in my meds will help me to better cope. It's not a cure but makes life somewhat bearable. Please be compassionate to people who are depressed. Believe me, they would much rather be well.

[vjekoslav]

I am 40 and struggling with depression for 20 years. I have recently been diagnosed with cancer, treatable but very challenging. Comparing the two on scale 1 to 10, cancer is 3 and depression is 9-10. That is what depression feels like.

[thepalantir]

For people afflicted with this, I think one of the worst parts is how time begins to feel when you're in such a state. Each day becomes indistinguishable from the next. A monotonous cycle of repetition and tedium. Time itself seems to just pass you by and you're just passively observing everything from the side. It's like you're not actively engaged in life, rather, you're just a bystander of sorts who waits and watches the world around you perpetually in motion while you're trapped in a static and stuporous state.

[caleb]

I teared up a little knowing that someone else went through this too. Its torture.

[Jennsdiamondpaintingsandmore]

Not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to be around people, not wanting the pain and suffering, seeing no future, tired of fighting, feel alone, desperately wanting to feel normal human again, ... your description was excellent.

[Liquid]

Depression is a filthy house with dirty dishes piled up in the sink for months. Depression is waking up exhausted and only having enough energy to get from your bed to the couch. Depression is watching TV all day, wishing your life was like the characters that you watch. Depression is having the desire to get things done, but not having the drive. Depression is isolating. Depression is lonely. Depression is being awake at 4AM wondering if this is ever going to change. Depression keeps you a prisoner in your house. Depression is the same shit, day in day out. Depression makes you feel ugly, unwanted, and unloved. Depression tells you, you're a burden. Depression takes away all your energy and makes you feel like you actually might die. Depression is like a war, you either win, or die trying.

[mogotecoyote]

When you wake up and immediately cry because of the intense emotional pain.

[daughteroftheking]

Sleeping over 12 hours, yet still feel tired. Constant regret. Feeling like, "What's the point in trying? I'll just fail again." It takes so much energy to just go to work and school. I feel like I have to put on a mask just to act like myself again. I've gained weight which doesn't help. Feelings of worthlessness have been going on for years. Doing the things I like seems like a chore now. "What's the point in me enjoying anything?" I have a great family background, so I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way. Intellectually, I know that I'm being unreasonable. I easily cut off even my family. I have decided that suicide isn't optional for me though, since I wanted to invest my death into someone (when necessary). I want to prove that they're worth dying for (again, when necessary. Otherwise it wouldn't prove their worth).

I enjoy the subjects of my studies. I'm so passionate about them. Yet, when I want to start studying, I hit a wall and my brain kind of gets hazy. It's like this: I want to climb a staircase because what's at the top is amazing. Yet when I start, I find out that my feet are lead blocks.

My dreams have anxiety over even simple things. Like last night, I dreamt that I was in a group. As soon as my head hit the pillow, everyone else woke up and started their day. As soon as I ate my first bite, it was time to move on to the next thing. It was as if time moved differently for me than it did for the rest. Whenever I asked questions, no one would answer me. They looked at me as if I wasn't intelligent enough to understand; as if I was a young child. They looked disapproving of me, like I needed to really try in order to earn their respect.

[horner]

I'd describe clinical depression as a mental black hole of confusion, fear, guilt, pain and self loathing

[kaitlynaston]

Suicidal depression for me, is like walking earth as a zombie.
You feel lifeless. You watch all of these people pass with smiles or conversation amongst other people, and you see families bonding, and all you can think to yourself is whats wrong with me? Why cant i be normal. I suffer with severe depression and i have had it since i was maybe 7 or 8. I am 20 now. Ive attempted suicide twice, and ive caused self harm hundreds of times but that was in my younger teenage years like 13 to 16. To this day, every day, i do see myself die over and over and over. Every day i see myself die a million times. I see myself die getting hit by a car, i see myself die from a fire, i see myself die from a gun, or a hammer, or a rope or tie or even from self-suffocation. And this is all stuff i see me do to myself. It could be out of nowhere but it does happen every single day even on my best days. I do not sleep. I will literally toss and turn for about 2 to 3 hours every night. I used to cry every time i woke up, because i woke up. I would freak out in arguments with family or friends and crawl into a closet and scream and hit myself. I used to get anxiety from depression so bad to the point where i would have to sit in a closet or bathroom at work with the lights off for about 10 to 15 minutes at a time. Depression causes me to blame myself. Like everything is my fault. "The room gets dirty because of me, because im too depressed to clean. I dont do enough around the house, i cause problems, nobody needs me in their life, i should just end it all." Most importantly, depression has constantly made me feel like im not good enough and i do everything wrong. My face is ugly, my outfit is ugly, my personality, my body, my smile ect. So to sum it up, depression makes me feel dead. I feel like im a zombie walking through earth every day. Like im not noticed. I feel ugly, i feel worthless, i feel useless and invisible. I do get sick from it, i feel like my body is weak, i dont wanna eat, i just wanna lay in bed. I constantly want to sit down, i dont wanna go outside or see my friends or family, i dont want to be touched or talked to. I feel so alone even in a crowd. And it hits out of nowhere without any reason. I probably cry once a day atleast. Thats my depression.

[lisahester]

The worst is when people think your just lazy. I'm fighting it at the mo the only thing I can do. I don't want to go on medication tho. The worst are the mornings

[wolf]

I actually really like sleeping. It's like a nice little time when you don't have to be alive, you know?

[ericaholloway]

Yes. This is what it feels like. And when you try to force yourself to be happy it actually makes it worse because you realize there is nothing you can do that will actually make you happy.

[cmarelli]

I think the worst feeling is feeling that you're alone. I've recently fell into a deep depressive state 3 months ago, and this is all new to me. I can't feel anything--literally. No emotions, passion, love, empathy, and it feels as if I lost my conscience despite not desiring to do wrong to anyone or anything.

My hearing is sensitive, and I feel my heart and soul are gone. My mind feels hardened and blank. I go through bouts of seeing myself dead or making a will, etc. I get feelings of impending death and I'm apathetic. I feel like a corpse, even my body feels weird. Typing this now, I've been in bed for almost 24 hours.

I've NEVER experienced this before, and I went from being a very loving, empathetic, and lively person to this. Sorry for being really graphic, but can someone else relate?

[looneydad]

The way you described Depression is how I've felt for 30 years. I've been on combos of at least 25 med's. I'm twice divorced. I HATE the holidays. I might shower once a week. I go grocery shopping once per month and nowhere else. If I didn't have my dog to walk 5 times a day. I'd never leave my apartment. I don't want to talk to anybody because I have nothing to add to the conversation.

[shelleybuu]

I feel like an anchor is pulling me down into the deep sea, the deeper I go, the gleam of hope from the sun just disappears