Fearful Avoidants: THIS Is Why Emotionally Unavailable People Feel SAFE to You 🛡️💔🧠

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Do you keep falling for emotionally unavailable people despite knowing better? Discover the hidden subconscious patterns that drive these choices and how to finally shift towards healthier, fulfilling connections.

In today's video, Thais Gibson explores the surprising reasons why emotionally unavailable people might feel safe to you. Discover how your subconscious conditioning, childhood patterns, and fears around love and vulnerability could be keeping you stuck in unfulfilling relationships. Watch now to uncover the root cause of these patterns and learn how to finally break free to create the healthy, connected relationships you deserve.

00:00:00 - Why Emotionally Unavailable People Feel Safe
00:00:25 - The 3 Major Reasons You Keep Choosing Them
00:00:56 - Reason 1: Emotions Were Unsafe Growing Up
00:01:24 - Emotional Responsibility as a Child
00:02:25 - Subconscious Patterns and Conditioning
00:03:24 - Reason 2: Subconscious Comfort Zones Mirror Your Relationship With Yourself
00:04:00 - How Ignoring Your Needs Attracts Similar Partners
00:05:04 - Fixing the Relationship With Yourself
00:05:48 - Reason 3: Fear of Falling Too Deeply for Someone
00:06:26 - Why Vulnerability and Love Can Feel Scary
00:06:52 - How These Patterns Affect Attachment Styles
00:07:04 - Final Insights and Next Steps

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[Twighlight]

This is so true! Im the oldest sibling and my mother is a narcissistic woman who was extremely dramatic with her emotions, i also had to step up and become the grown up and be responsible for her and my younger siblings so now im only attracted to DAs because they seem safer emotionally, compared to anyone with the anxious attachment style those type of people scare me and i cant have a romantic or even a friendship with them because pf their constant need for emotional connection its like a burden, i feel trapped, tied down, suffocated and sadly i dont come across many securely attached people who are the ones i like to surround myself with so that i may learn how to become more securely attached myself and break free from being a FA.

[Rachellearnngrow]

1.Yes parents Emotions were unsafe growing up & I became “responsible”. In relationships I say I won’t text ….. & I text her 😢
2. I used to people please . I’m better now but I am still learning to speak my needs & be vulnerable. I will def do that list . I’m doing the needs course atm . Whoohoo
3. Omg yes I don’t want to feel out of control , be too much & get hurt 😢

all 3 great lol 😉

[chocolate]

Another reason is that if I am not comfortable/good at setting boundaries, then emotionally unavailable people/dismissive avoidant are easier and thus more attractive. Because they by default will keep me at arm's length, so my pain point won't be pushed, so naturally bypass setting a boundary. It is similar to the fear of being vulnerable, specifically of setting boundaries.

[lauraschleifer]

Wow, yes...this was profoundly insightful. I feel like this can apply to falling for physically unavailable people, too. (e.g. people who live far away, famous people who are inaccessible to you, people who are already partnered, etc.)

[heatherguess]

There's another reason. Love all these yes. 1 and 2 I understand for myself.

Another huge reason I've found is that for the disorganized....which I am and working on is we like and crave the feeling of being in control. I don't want to feel suffocated or at the mercy of someone's anger or emotions if and when I want my own space or to do my own being the pursuer or chaser puts me in control instead of being a victim and potentially at the mercy of someone else's agenda and then risk punishment or abandonment for not doing what they want. Crazy stuff.

It's ironic because underneath....the avoidant fears abandonment more and the fearful fears suffocation and being controlled more.

[ScottH-ey]

not to play games let it go boundaries

[mignonib]

All of these apply to me. I'm slowly working through many of them, but it's all very sad, hard work.

[sifublack]

This makes sense with some of the FAs I've dated and are friends with. Most of them grew up in an abusive household (where they were 🍇) and typically went after or preferred relationships where their partners weren't all in. I didn't understand it at the time, but I understand it now.

[RitaP]

1. If Emotions were Unsafe growing up (parentification, criticism/shame, acting out...)
2. Self-Treatment Comfort Zone (familiar ➡️ "safe" = survive)
3. "Love is Scary" (love = vulnerability ➡️ loss of control ➡️ loss of boundaries ➡️ abuse)

[sandynazarian]

You nail it on the head all the time, perfectly stated!

[damonchampion]

I recently met someone and after knowing a little of their childhood believe is Fearful Avoidant. They are very affectionate and hot in person but slow to respond to texts and colder this way. Through PDS in the past I know not to push and have confidence they do like me and not get anxious about it. Thanks Thais and Happy 2025 🙏🏻

[kelseycoca]

this really resonated with me. you're always @-ing me in my YT notifications 😭

[lisalyons]

Mainly 3 with a tad of #2 mixed in
I grew up with 3 mean selfish and dissmisive parents

[likanihoshi]

I must confess: I have a partner who's open and available (secure with some AP traits) and our relationship wears me out. I can't relax in his presence anymore. He's kind, caring, does everything... And I feel like I'm suffocated in his everchanging feelings. One day he says "I love you" ten times, the next day he's angry at me, you get the idea. I'm setting all kinds of boundaries and still... I'm craving that space that dating DAs used to give me. I guess it makes sense that the only man I can't get over is a DA. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to know every feeling of my person, I just want to know that he's here for me and it's enough.

[AuntieBri]

This hits so very close to home. My emotions weren't allowed growing up. If I didn't feel exactly how my mother wanted me to feel, I was punished, screamed at, made to feel guilty and so ashamed, called names, taunted, and made fun of.

So I just stopped having emotions. I just shoved everything down into a never ending black hole. I had to act the perfect daughter, so I did. Couldn't put a toe out of line.

But, now, I don't know how to feel safe in a relationship. I don't have relationships because when I do, I always screw them up and the person leaves. So I've learned it's just better to be alone. I have my animals and that is it.

[MsGuitars]

Thais queen this was amazing; feels a bit different from other videos you have done, but so important and good. I was actually wondering about this: what can we do about this? I am pretty secure with an FA lean, and I just still feel a bit wary and overwhelmed by the idea of a relationship. I have tried reprogramming, but I barely have any memories at all for people showing up for me and meeting my needs, simply because I didn't even know what they were until recently. How can we reprogram and feel safe to enter relationships when there's barely/no memories? Thanks in advance <3

[reneepennell]

How do we become emotionally available to ourselves??

[catherinehenry]

Point #2 resonates with me. So if I work on expressing my feelings and needs, can assist with my current DA?

[IloveElsaofArendelle]

What does it mean, if I don't want it anymore? When I am starting to set my boundaries and don't let the shit fly from my DA friend? I still feel uncomfortable of ending a 20+ friendship.... ☹️

[gergialiv]

Can someone help me? I keep having nightmares my ex tries to have sex with me, she’s with someone else I would never do it in real life and my ex wouldn’t either different outcomes in the dream says how I never got closure or the abandoned feeling is lingering I’m just wondering to hear other people’s insights that are aware of avoidant feelings and attachment