Small talk is JUST what you do…but what if you don’t want it?

#smalltalk #autismandsmalltalk

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#autism #asd #autismawareness

[acharris]

Definitely agree. When someone says that "small talk is just what you do" I have to ask "but why?"
Never received an answer

[sweetestpotato]

Also it’s Performative, so it triggers Demand Avoidance

[megzasaurusrex]

Like i understand some people need that transition. It makes it easier to get the conversation started. But if we dont get to something interesting i will zone out and not listen. I cant, it is too boring.

Example some family friends came to visit and i got picked on for being on my phone. I tried. I really did try to sit there and listen to them talk about the most mundane things with my parents but i got bored and i couldnt join in. And i cant sit still long. So i started playing a game on my phone while listening. And of course they couldnt just leave me be and had to make it a thing.

[Tsunami]

For me, small talk basically means throwing out "feeler" questions/topics when you're still trying to guage what types of conversations the other person is comfortable with. I'm fine with this (on both sides), as this seems like a reasonable way to approach a conversation.

My gripe is with what I call "ceremonial/ritualistic" conversations, which are more scripted and repetative, for the sake of adhering to social niceties.

[chetgaines]

i don't like having to put forth the effort to ask and answer meaningless questions when it seems like a waste of my limited energy. it's just labor. meaningful conversation is rewarding. meaningless conversation is draining.

[BobDouce]

With you on that one. I need a conversation to be interesting, small talk is boring. 🧔 👍

[ChristChickAutistic]

I worked in the cosmetology field for decades until my physical issues caught up to me, coupled with burnout. I would always throw out topics I'm interested in as a start to conversation, like music, history, films, art, anime, or crafts to jumpstart things. I used to work close by a college, so that actually was a lot of fun for me. I loved my history and literature professor clients especially, lol!

[hannahmccaffrey]

Yes absolutely!! I’ve known I struggle with “small talk” and used alcohol and drugs for most of my life to cope and try to make small talk. I don’t understand how my neurodivergence was missed my entire life. It wasn’t until I got sober and out of an emotionally and mentally unstable relationship that I’ve discovered my divergence. Unfortunately for me-drinking with my bosses or crew was often a way to push past my awkwardness and my lack of ability to engage in small talk and be accepted by NT’s. Without that (sober 4.5 years) I have lost two jobs -one right after the other-and I’m 90% positive it’s because of my divergences.

I don’t want to talk about mundane things-I am interested in heavy things-like what is truth, what is faith, what is reality…etc.

[rudemooddudehamburg]

I totally agree. Diagnosed with ASD a week ago with 34. I don’t get it why people do it. I understand theoretically in a way. But in my mind smalltalk is a super weird thing. People just talk to talk. I don’t know why. I prefer being quiet than talking nonsense with strangers. I know that autistic tend to share information’s more than feelings and stuff. That’s where I see myself.

[ThroughYeshuaislife]

DAMN, you hit the nail in the head. That explanation is PERFECT for how I feel about small talk. Small talk makes zero sene to me because it just wastes time.

[ewap]

It involves open ended questions, which can be tricky to answer. "How was your week?" Do you mean Tuesday - when I got an interesting job, Thursday - when I spent half the day in awe at finding out a particular behaviour that a relative has is an autistic trait, or Friday - when I had a great Xmas lunch with my bookclub, or this morning - when I spent 15 mn deciding what t-shirt to wear to come here? Not sure how to answer "How was your week"? Deciding what to share and who with (also depend who is asking), is a difficult exercise.

[gzoechi]

Definitely. Smalltalk didn't use to bother me that much until I became aware that with most people there will never come an interesting part, even after knowing them for years like family members of the spouse. Now when someone tries to start smalltalk, my intestines cramp up.

[strangeduckling]

I struggle with small talk because I never know how to respond, and I never know if/when I should or shouldn't try to deepen or prolong a conversation.
A lot of the times when someone is small-talking with me, they'll respond in a way that I just don't know how to respond, so whether in an attempt to prolong the conversation or even just respond appropriately so I don't come off as impolite I just don't know what to say/do other than giving a smile or light chuckle. And even when I DO have a conversation where they actually say things that I can respond to, I never know whether it's appropriate to keep it at such a surface level, or if the person/situation makes going deeper appropriate (but how deep?).

[christinechapman]

A coworker once told another coworker that I didn't like him because I talked to him about the weather a lot.
I was shocked, to me the weather is extremely interesting... I did like him, and I don't like small talk. The weather is BIG, it's huge. To me anyway.😅

[bikergirl.]

VERY relatable. Diagnosed adhd late in life. Now that I’m medicated I feel like possible autism is now more noticeable 🙈😂 Staying away from the nhs mental health services as they have no understanding of these conditions but happy to misdiagnose most of my life. On a positive as long as I know that’s all that matters & yes I feel like an alien listening to people do small talk. In my 40’s & starting to learn to navigate PEOPLE 😂🤜🏻🤛🏻 Most display red flags too! Small talk feels false as it’s not on a deeper level, but over sharing gets us in bother soooo 🤷🏻‍♀️😂😂😂

[BelovedofSekhmet]

Small talk put me on the spot. Because I want to answer all the questions honestly. And that sometimes throws off.

[ryankasch]

My love of small talk is what convinced me from a young age that for whatever issues I had mentally, I didn't have autism

[vbglnfc]

YES! This is sooo me! I don’t mind talking about semi-superficial things, as long as we’re going somewhere with it. I don’t need to become someone’s bosom buddy when I’ve known them for 30 seconds or anything. I would just like to end up with a little bit more meaningful information than I did when I first started out. Teach me something new, even if it’s just about the dandelion next to the sidewalk, and I’ll be happy. ❤ 😊

[jfdc]

I agree. Chit-chat is great when they’re talking. I’m a good listener. But if they expect me to talk… I have no idea what to say. I’ve gotten pretty good at asking questions to keep them talking. So it looks as tho’ I’m engaged and holding my own. Which I am. But if I have to talk, I struggle.

[defaultuser]

I don't think I have autism but with ADHD I find small talk boring too. Nothing usually gets established and it's just a way to pass the time