Neediness vs Needs

I'm Kati Morton, a licensed therapist making Mental Health videos!
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[bethanypagel]

My counselor and I talk about this a lot. She says I should work on fulfilling my own needs. I have put my needs onto the shoulders of others and when they don't respond the way I want, I am crushed. It's so hard because I feel like it doesn't count when I love myself or say nice things to myself. I want it from others. Tough work.

[whitneymiller]

I would love you to dive deeper into this topic as with BPD I am constantly torn between the perception of, "Are my standards for how I'm being treated high enough?" & "I'm expecting too much!" leaving me feeling needy.

[meaganmillermm]

I needed this. Lol no seriously. I've been struggling with this because I'm a highly agreeable person to the point it's ruining my life and relationships because it takes too long for me to stand up for myself and people don't like seeing me set boundaries. I get treated like crap when I try to set up boundaries with my husband and it's just wrecking our lives. Sucks being with someone so obtuse. It sucks that I haven't felt my needs being met or even acknowledged. Nice how to know how to not be as attached 🙌🏻

[MonikaSudakov]

Thank you for this Kati. I can't tell you how often this has come up in therapy. I've been told I have an avoidant attachment style because of emotional incest/neglect and child sexual abuse but I still struggle with it. I often feel guilty asking to have my needs met. I feel like I'm a burden and shouldn't need anyone, which I know is unrealistic. It creates unnecessary anxiety and makes me questions my relationships because I have a hard time trusting that others actually WANT to be there for me.

[xosweetnchic]

Omg my therapist and I were talking about this yesterday because I was having a day, and she said that I was being needy! Lol. Definitely if you have more to say I'd love to hear it! Thanks Kati!

[welcometheleagues]

I really needed to hear this!!

In the past I've always lashed out, and I can see how I emotionally wanted my person to fulfill impossible needs that I didn't recognize.

Thank you SO much!

[WriterNinja]

Eloquently put, Kati! My question: what do you do in the exact opposite situation? How do you---when you are used to taking care of yourself---learn to accept help from others? How do you learn to be vulnerable? How do we effectively let others in, when we are used to taking care of ourselves? As always, thank you for your videos. Your videos have been a great help to me, and I have been able to pass them on to others. Thank you.

[Theonethatwantstolearn]

Omg 1) I got this while at my therapist so I couldn't watch right away 😞😭 2) We talked about this today but she made me confused and right now I'm in a place I fear thee most. 3) I love and needed this today. 4) I love and respect you so much!!! 5) Whom ever disliked this video I feel like you NEED a hug 🤗 and some love ❤️ and my NEEDINESS to give you that is deeper than the ocean 🌊. 😊😉. Much love and respect XxMeli tons of ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️💋💋💋💋💋 I am feeling bleh and down but Kati always makes my day better! The work she is doing is remarkable and truly selfless and noble she is my mental health super hero!!

[courtneyfleischman]

I've done all of the "you have to love yourself first" things a million times over. I live alone, designed a clean living space for myself, buy myself flowers (literally), treat myself to doing my nails, indulge in good food while watching my favorite TV shows, go for walks alone along a beautiful lake, etc... Do I still feel lonely? YES. The only time I feel really fulfilled and happy is when I'm in a relationship and that person and I are really close and shower each other with affection and reassuring, loving words often. I honestly don't understand how to get this same type of fulfillment alone. I don't think I am personally able to.

[monikakawecka]

Hej Kati ! :) I'm student of 5th year of clinical psychology from Poland. I'm watching all your movies and preparing to half an year internship in hospital in Sri Lanka. Thank you for your amazing job! I wish I had in my university proffesors with that passion to psychology as yours. Regards <3

[SlugcatEmporium]

I especially worry about being too needy when it comes to therapy - maybe the situation of being there specifically to get help from another person feels strange and "needy" when it's really not, it's just normal needs.

[kirstenxmoonen]

I'd love you to dive deeper into this topic and share your thoughts with us. I'm in the middle of a so called attachtment/deattachment therapy. Thank you for your effort!

[GetPsyched]

Self-awareness is massive in understanding your needs. It's also important to effectively communicate your needs and to the ones closest to you who can assist. thanks for another great video

[REJ]

This is a topic that really needs (no pun intended) expanding. So many relationships suffer because of someone who is too needy, clingy and depends upon others to have their emotional needs met. I speak as someone who left home at 18 because of severe trauma and abuse and then turned to my friends to open up and then wondered why they disappeared one by one. It took me years before I realised I needed to see a therapist. I’m 57 now. I’ve spent my life since working on myself and I have good healthy boundaries, and more importantly I’ve learned to discern between talking to friends for genuine help and support and when it’s time to book an appointment with my therapist. As a result of all of this work I’ve developed an amazing network of healthy relationships.

My weakness that I have to watch is that my natural way of being in the world is that I’m a good listener and an empath. This, unfortunately attracts needy, clingy people who have yer to begin the work on themselves.

I had an experience recently whereby a friendly acquaintance who I met through a writing group, began to talk to me about her deeply personal, traumatic issues. She was massively overly disclosing in an unsolicited way, telling me about what was going on in her therapy sessions. In essence she was using me as a therapist just as I had done many years earlier. I told her a little bit about my past problems of offloading onto my friends and how they all disappeared and kept saying she was doing the right thing to take all this stuff to her therapist. I must have said it a dozen times but she didn’t get it. When I set a boundary because it became too much for me and it was interfering with the writing weekend that we were on, she stormed off and became very moody towards me. I must confess to being quite taken aback by her reaction. If one of my friends had set a boundary toward me I would have respected it, both then (in my youth) and now. I’ve never had a problem respecting boundaries. My boundary problems were around understanding that I was entitled to my own boundaries.

Sadly this woman kept pushing my boundaries. After the writing weekend was over she kept bombarding me with messages about her emotional turmoil and stuckness. I should have ignored them but I sent a message explain that I didn’t want to keep in touch and that I felt that she was trying to use me as a therapist. I said (again) that she was doing the right thing taking this stuff to her therapist and I wished her well in her life. I was gobsmacked when she replied by saying that it was very rude of me to mention she was seeing a therapist!

I haven’t responded and will sever contact.

I feel bad about how this has ended, but reflecting back on how I used to be, minus the clinginess of course, I can see why my incessant talking about my problems drove my friends away. It was too much for them. They had neither the life skills or professional skills to help me.

But the real point is this. I needed to learn to help myself. My therapist helped me to learn to help myself. I no longer burden people with stuff that I take to my counsellor. I lean on my friends appropriately.

Actually, just saying that makes me think that would be a good idea for a new video subject. When is it ok to turn to your friends for emotional support and when due you need to seek professional help?

[segwia]

Super helpful hearing an example of the language to use to communicate/share a healthy need with others. I find that where I get stuck having no reference in how to communicate from a place of healthy groundedness. Great video!

[s.nicholekumar]

Thank you for what you are doing! This is SO helpful, so uplifting, general but needed... you are doing a great job! I am learning and growing from watching your videos! I also noticed that you said your main love language is Words of Affirmation, that is mine too! Someone recently told me I was being needy, and I did NOT know how to handle it, especially because I havent been feeling fulfilled. My point is that this video popped up like 2 days later so I can watch and learn a little more about how to more appropriately conduct myself in my relationships... what a process! I want to wrap up saying thank you for the work you are doing with these videos. Thank you for being you! It is very helpful :) <3

[willyloman]

I have hard time convincing myself that I'm allowed to show needs or make requests to other people. When I grew up (a long time ago) I did not feel safe to do either. Needs and emotions were the exclusive right of someone else in the household. After I moved out, I didn't know when and how to ask for help. I've been aware of the situation for a some years now and trying to learn, but I'm already so old that it feels too late to change anything in my life. Sometimes when I manage to make some harmless request, as it only makes me bitter of the wasted years when I was too ashamed to open my mouth.

[scottj]

Anybody with challenges in this area needs about 5 more of these vids.
I'm having trouble with the conceptuals. I meet all the physical needs I have myself, so what's left are the things that I must get at some level from the theme of this vid seemed to be that we must meet our needs ourselves. More please.

[lucasphilipevasconcelosgom]

I needed this much!!! You've made a man cry today!

[celinedionau]

I have been working on boundaries a lot recently and I think neediness goes hand in hand with this.
I have a physical disability so, this subject gets a bit 'muddy' at times. My neediness can overlap my needs very quickly