Should we ask Trauma Survivors to Forgive?

Forgiveness can be a really challenging subject. On the one hand, forgiving someone can be a powerful path to emotional freedom, but on the other, the word forgiveness is often used in a way that is hurtful or harmful for victims of abuse. In this video I hope to take a nuanced and thoughtful approach to the ways that forgiveness can be helpful for those who have experienced abuse or trauma, but also to really clarify for those encouraging others to forgive how the concept can be misused, mis-timed, or mis-understood. This video is not going to be a religious perspective on forgiveness, it’s going to be a therapeutic perspective.

Forgiveness can be really healing when the timing is right, but thrusting forgiveness on someone who has been abused, especially as their first solution, can be really harmful.

So let’s talk about what that healing process might look like. And how forgiveness might be a part of that. And if it is, how to forgive.

00:00 Intro
04:00 Misconceptions
06:28: What is Forgiveness
10:04 Forgiveness Process
12:32 Responsibility
15:56 Purposeful
19:11 Conclusion

Click on the link below to access the transcript.

Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC

[melissabanksIgniteyourlight]

Love this lady her voice is so comforting and kind

[jennigma]

Thank you.

I have cptsd from childhood. I have no interest in sharing details, but my Aces score is 7. I cut contact with my family of origin 14 years ago when I was 40 after seeing them start to recreate behaviors from my childhood by targeting my child with them. I got us out of the situation, set some boundaries around contact, they violated all of them, so I cut all contact. I also ended up moving across the continent for incidental reasons, which helped with boundary keeping.

Even now, 14 years later, I get pressure from extended family, friends, and internet people to forgive them and seek reconciliation. When I think about forgiveness it feels unsafe, because not forgiving— keeping a kernel of that anger alive— is emotional fuel for maintaining the boundaries I have kept. It counterbalanced the guilt and shame I feel around cutting them off.

I expect when they are safely dead I will quell that anger and seriously consider forgiveness. In the meantime, I just don’t think about them all that often. My kiddo is off being successful in their early career, I am living a happy life, and the scars from my childhood are slowly fading with the help of therapy and the love and support of good people.

[loonshkij]

Thank you for this. As a religious person who was abused in childhood by a sibling and who has gotten the 'forgive and forget' sort of messages from my religion, it amazes me how superficial the understanding and explanation of the process can often be, and how much of a burden it places on the victim. It's almost as if "religious abuse" is added to the original abuse. Exhorting deeply hurt people to "just forgive" without providing them with real tools is not helpful or healing (yet I have a number of books on forgiveness - mostly written by religious people - that seem to do just that!) "Cheap forgiveness", like "cheap grace" maybe only serves to let the perpetrator off the hook of facing consequences. I allow for the possibility of miraculous emotional healings, but for the rest of us forgiveness, healing, and reconciliation is a difficult process, but one well worth learning. Even then some scars may remain, and that's just the reality of life. We need more on this topic.

[cassandro]

Thanks so much for this video. I want to heal, i don't want to be filled with anger anymore, i just want peace. Thank you a lot ❤

[lionheart]

Thank you so much for this. I've been told my entire adult life that I should forgive my parents and it always made me feel totally dismissed and conflicted with my ability to stay safe from the people who hurt me. It's so freeing just to hear someone acknowledge that forgiveness doesn't have to be part of my healing process. I appreciate your sensitivity to this really nuanced subject, you're the first person in my experience to do so. You always show genuine empathy for victims of abuse and it means so so much.

[EvelynIrwin]

I’ve been waiting for a video like this Emma!. When it comes to forgiveness, if I don’t feel I can give it to the person who hurt me and refuses to apologise and change, I instead give myself the forgiveness 🙏

[camieparsons]

This was brilliant! I have been beating myself up to forgive because I thought that was the only way to find peace. I was trying to force the peace I craved. When you talked about forgiveness being part of the process, not the beginning and not the end, I needed to hear that!! Thank you Emma.

[mlouw]

Thanks for making this video! I’ve always had a tendency to intellectualize and forgive/understand people prematurely. I think because of this, a part of me continues to feel resentful while the rest of me scrambles to remain cool and rational. It’s hard work 😓

[TheDaxter]

It was so hard to hear we use resentment as a way to punish others. But it only does damage to ourselves. I needed to hear that

[cathytyrrell]

Thank you for shedding light on what forgiveness looks and feels like. I have been struggling for so long because I thought I had to reach a place where I could absolve the other person and maintain relationships like it hadn’t happened. I also believed that the best revenge is to live well. It’s not revenge, it’s release.

[RichardDawson-szbz]

What a compassionate and comprehensive collection of questions (and possible answers)! Equipment for a healthy life! Thank you.

[estheradao]

As a a childhood and teenage sexual assault survivor, this video is very freeing. I held resentment for years and it hurt as hell…

[Paul-ebb]

This is what biblical forgiveness actually looks like. This is what God intended it to be. It’s all a journey. Thankyou for all your good work. God bless ❤

[BigBossMan]

This is the best way to put forgiveness into perspective. I’ve always felt this way when it was used badly. Implying that you’re doing something wrong or you’re being unfair if you don’t forgive someone who treated you poorly is just so wrong

[kathleenchristian]

I'm so impressed with the fact that you began this vid with an admission you'd been wrong!!! A rare thing in this modern age! Kudos!!!

[ClevelandMoore-ip]

I’m a 51 year old man and I was abused when I was 6 or 7 years old. It has impacted my life greatly from anger issues, relationship problems, and wearing an armor around everyday! I’m tired of being this way!

[Maincourse]

Thank you! At the start of separating from my family, people would say I should forgive my mother because she is the only one I'll have. It felt invalidating towards everything I felt and I needed to feel my own power as I had it taken away from me for so long. So telling me to give up the power of "resentment" felt dismissing. I'm now in a place where I feel it is best to forgive my parents and move on with my life as the resentment is hurting me. I haven't spoken to them in over a year and understand they can never be the parents I need but I must let go of the resentment; for my sake. So this is where I am at; trying to find peace with my past and my decision to cut them out. Forgiving and accepting this is how it had to be.

[martiseelye]

I am saving this video to view again (and again and again?) . Thank you so much.

[Treeboar]

I feel strong enough to express my boundaries with your help

[ShazWag]

I think it depends what one's understanding of _forgiveness_ is, which may not be the same for everyone.