How to end an affair when you don't want to - Why affair breakups can be so hard as the other woman

In this video, I had the privilege of discussing trauma bonds and attachment styles with Erika. We go into why it can be so hard to end an affair when a part of you is saying that's what needs to happen and then the other part of you is saying there is no way I could break up the connection I share with my affair partner. How to end an affair when every part of our body doesn’t want to break it off.

If you are the other woman, or mistress in an affair you might have said 1000 x over "this has got to stop". Deep down you may have had enough. You know you can’t settle for this pain anymore. But no matter how much your head is saying it’s time to end the affair with your affair partner your whole body can’t let go of the connection you share. So you go right back to staying stuck on the emotional roller coaster….

If you are wondering why is it so hard to end an affair or why ending an affair has to hurt you so much …. then a journey into understanding attachment styles and trauma bonds could support you in understanding why you feel so stuck.

For some breakups you know it’s clearly over, the connection is dead, you don’t get along anymore but in your case, it's not that easy. It's an affair. You love him but loving him is hurting you and so you are left wondering what do I do and if I do need to end it how on earth do I end a relationship with someone I really love?

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.

[sda]

My sister was a wife so when she found out I was seeing a married man, but trying to break it off, I received zero emotional support from her. It’s the lowest form of human to be the other woman. Thank you so much for this. Any relationship that feels like home should be a giant red flag for me even though we are only an emotional affair. Sorry for rambling. I literally have no one to talk to. I’ve been isolating for months.

[hershey]

I wanted to finish the entire video first before I post a comment, but at 17:42 I just couldn’t stop myself. You both are very emotionally intelligent women, I just admire you both, the way you serve the reality on a plate is just so warm and comforting. How fortunate it would be to have these women as your friends. 2 very amazing people in one video. Lucky to find this hidden gem in the midst of all the stuff in youtube. Cheers to you beautiful women! Thank you for what you do.

[HappyHolyHealthyLife]

Woah! This was sooo powerful 👏 great work ladies!!!

[melissahernandez]

I’m literally dying inside. I had past trauma. I just ended my relationship with a married man, I’m not the only other woman either. He was a friend first for 4 yrs. We started being intimate and i fell in love w him. When he wouldn’t text me I would go into this severe anxiety and start shaking and throwing up. My body was literally telling me he’s not right for me, but my heart kept making me go back. I ended it 2 days ago and now I feel I can’t do it, and want him back only because the pain is so immense

[adrianaromeronieto]

Thanks so much for this. I just felt so identified. I met an older man (he is 56, I’m 39) and we connected inmediately, and after we had sex the first time he told me that he is in a commited relationship. I felt used, but somehow I feel like a magnet that attract me to him and I really want to continue seeing him. I know that this is not going to end well for me, my rational mind knows that, but I really feel, as you said, drawn to him.

[maryharrington]

Just tryiing to end my affair with a married pain is so overwhelming... I am going to watch this over and over till I get better.

[Separo]

Thank you! This is a great Video for both parties. I cant be with my Ex even though I still love her and she felt the same before she moved on. It just takes me longer that her to move on. Thanks again, every day your podcast help so much and the rumination is the worse for me. Impossible love is hard as both loved each other and the separation was not due to a lack of love.

[attractingsuccess]

Awesome 👏🏽 thanks 🙏 really great video

[BethDaniels-nntc]

I was involved with someone for a year before they told me they had a wife etc, and they told me at the point they had developed feelings for me and no longer wanted it to just be a casual fling. At the point they told me, i was involved in a traumatic incident with a friend of his that he was also present with and so he was supporting me through that, we were supporting one another. also i recently became estranged from my parents and became homeless and im in a refuge so basically what im saying is, there are few relationships in my life right now that give me the level of comfort and safety that he is giving me. I can tell that he cares deeply for me. We’re not in a sexual relationship, at this point its just an emotional relationship, which if anything just adds more confusion as it’s giving our relationship a false sense of depth and meaning… but without that external support I’m finding it impossible to be apart from him

[maritaz]

Very good. Same dynamics can be applied imho to narcissitic relationships,

[PointlessPeachesII]

It's difficult to leave the situation completely when you work together and he's your boss. I'm his personal assistant. I've been trying to find another job, but in this economy it's a joke. I personally believe he likes the idea of him dangling a carrot over me because he's my only source of income while I go to graduate school to be a therapist. I stopped the relationship because I was starting to have suicidal ideation, and I'm still dealing with it.

[keishawilson]

I'm trying to leave now but it's so, so hard to do

[barryepsteins]

I hope this is a parody. Darling, having an extra marital affair violates one's marriage vows and is the lowest form of betrayal to your spouse. Either fix your marriage and resolve your issues or leave. If a woman cheats on her man it is OVER. No coming back from this betrayal. Trust is completely broken never to come back.

[pablorenteria]

She and i are 1 year into this... she wont leave her boyfriend and i dont think i want her to do it. Cause i dont want to take his place...

[elizabethanne]

"You once told me that you don't love Anna and that you still love me so much, and always will. Love cannot be put in chains, and it can't be bought by money either. Love needs freedom; only then can it make you happy." This was a response from ONE of my husband's mistresses after he was caught and immediately ended things with her. She had no idea, but when he visited her, he'd sleep with her one night and a sex worker the next. If a man will lie to his wife, he might very well be lying to you too!

[nicoladrury]

Was with him on & off for 5 years not knowing he lived with his wife. He told me they were several & he lived with his mother.
I feel like a fool

[bethzaidasanabria]

Can’t stop?…. Just stop and cut off all contact. By only doing that is the way to do it.

[Stander]

Getting involved with a man that you know is married is going to have huge consequences. Maybe not right away, but eventually karma comes full circle and the statistics show it. A lot of useful info in this video, however, it is not helpful to gloss over the very real consequences of having an affair. Everyone gets hurt, no one goes unscathed. That’s why it’s forbidden fruit.

[noreenramsammy]

It's what the bible says....the lust of the is when the devil has you so wrapped up in sin.

[TM-twpy]

Why affair breakups can be so hard? Maybe it feels awesome to have the attention, emotional and physical connection, security and love. Perhaps its best to continue the affair.