How to Tell If You Have Been Gaslit

We’re unlucky enough if we meet with people who want to do us wrong, show us contempt and take advantage of us. But this is as nothing next to the monumental bad luck of encountering people who do all this to us while also being extremely skilled at pretending that they aren’t.

FURTHER READING

“We’re unlucky enough if we meet with people who want to do us wrong, show us contempt and take advantage of us. But this is as nothing next to the monumental bad luck of encountering people who do all this to us while also being extremely skilled at pretending that they aren’t; those master manipulators who are at once innocent-seeming and, deep down, profoundly scheming. These people won’t only hurt us, they will do something far worse: rob us of our understanding of ourselves, strip us of basic trust and, along the way, for a time, make us lose our minds…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Natalia Biegaj

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Vale Productions

[JR-bilg]

“The test isn’t about how much they tell us they love us but how they make us feel at peace” Powerful Statement

[gortimustidditus]

For those being emotionally abused and gaslit- please note that whether the abuser understands what they are doing or not, they gravitate towards people who will tolerate and allow their abuse. You are considered prey- even if it's subconscious on their side. The ONLY way to prevent it is understand you have self worth, and you deserve love. Abusers will target people who struggle with their self worth and insecurities- there's a reason they don't go after self-assured people.

You have to essentially "fake it until you make it, " and set your boundaries- and KEEP them. Even if you feel like you are playing a part.

The first big hurdle is even identifying you are being emotionally abused/gaslit. The next hardest part is convincing yourself you are worth setting and enforcing boundaries. Always remember that you ARE worth it.

If you gently set boundaries, and a "loved one" reacts very negatively with vitriol, or acts like a victim- they don't respect and love you as much as they may say they do. If someone loves you, they want to respect you and your boundaries.

[iv]

You'll know love based on how at peace your nervous system feels. 🧘🏾‍♀️

[otterchaos]

That moment she shrugs away and grimaces when he places a loving hand on her shoulder spoke volumes. I’ve been that man way too many times. Having your loving affection rejected like that is the worst feeling in the world, and from there begins the downward spiral of people pleasing, walking on eggshells, and tolerating abuse.

[Pikminiman]

This is more like "Why People Gaslight Others" than a guide to identifying when you've been gaslit.

[SuperstaRobA]

Narcissistic abuse… it took me two years of recovery.

[noface]

I was often gaslit by my parents growing up. It frustrated me yet I realized I was repeating the same pattern of trusting too much with my own relationships. You know you’ve been gaslit when you feel rejected, confused, and exhausted by trying to figure out what the person’s intentions are. If their intentions are unclear *ITS BECAUSE THEY WANT IT THAT WAY*

[rortyist]

Despite the title, nothing in this video explains how to “tell if you’ve been gaslit.” For example, how do you distinguish between being gaslit vs. your partner voicing their own valid frustrations about your behavior in the relationship? How can you tell if that feeling of not being at peace is really a sign of abuse vs. other, more complicated problems (including ones that you have a part in creating)? And if you’re accused of gaslighting, when (and how) should you take the accusation to heart? No answers here.

No doubt there are plenty of relationships in which one person really is the victim and the other the abuser. But more common, imho, are relationships in which both people act out past traumas and mistreat each other in various ways. Even to say that that gaslighting comes from fundamentally “cruel” people — as opposed a toxic behavior that many people can perpetrate — strikes me as dangerously simplistic.

[DLFfitness]

When you set boundaries, the trash takes itself out. People only do what you allow.

[PowerofThought_]

Yes, how people act when at peace and at home, not in front of others. Those same toxic parents and partners will insist that symbols of a good life are more important than living it. We need to learn to love people, not the masks they wear.

[Smos]

I realized a few months ago this happend to me with a "friend", when I understood the meaning of Gaslighting. Almost everything change, but not the fear of fall into another person like that.
Stay strong, and trust yourself!

[mirinah]

I have multiple chronic pain and autoimmune diseases. Hell I even have Young onset of Parkinsons at 22. The amount of time I've been told its all psychosomatic and that I wasn't doing enough: yoga, walking, resting, being stress free... Made me hate myself. I remember when the last doctor said that I just said "thank you" and walked out while he was talking

[nicholasali]

HONESTLY THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE THAT SHOULD'VE NEVER BEEN PARENTS IN THE FIRST PLACE 💯HENCE WE HAVE SO MANY BROKEN ADULTS 🙏🏿

[wagenna]

I have been gaslit and I have gaslit. It was subconscious gaslighting and since therapy made me self-reflect better, I learned how to change habits and now I don't gaslight anymore. People actually can change.
My parents, however, disregard everything I tell them about the subject and refuse to see how manipulative and abusive such behaviour is. So they won't change which results in me having less contact to them. Since change is possible and mental health problems or personality disorders are no excuse for abusive behaviour, no one should put up with it.
If you are in an abusive relationship of any kind: if they don't want to change, leave them! You don't have to put up with it, you should enjoy a free life!

[francescoduggento]

When you argue with an aggressive or rude person, you can be sure you are standing up for what's right. But with manipulators and gaslighters, it is not so clear cut because, in a way, they make you fight yourself. You are fighting a war inside your own soul before you can even confront the actual enemy. That is why such people are doubly dangerous.
We must respect and trust ourselves in order to detect gaslighting before it can hurt us.

[assassinosoldato]

It's rare to see animations where the male part isn't the toxic one, wow

[hdbs]

I could see my ex watching this and being validated by it when she was actually the one usually gaslighting.

[bolivar]

If it happened to you once, it can happen again. Especially if you had a horrifying childhood. So here are some ideas to protect ourselves better next time:

1. These are the excuses I have heard from a particularly cruel partner, every time I tried to confront them. I guess they are universal, so I wanted to share them:

- Oh I am telling you all this, because I want the best for you.
- I know I am difficult, but you are the only person in the world who truly understands me, who can take all this. But you know I love you.
-You feel offended, because you are very insecure. We need to work on this.

Of course, everything depends on the situation. But if this is constant and if your partner is overly critical about you, ask your friends if they agree. If nobody else is telling you that you are " overly sensitive" or " easily offended" or " too insecure" etc., it is not you. It is your partner, who wants to make you believe that " you need them" to feel complete.

2. The most horrifying thing about gaslighting is that it happens very slowly. It is like being in a room, where the air gets worse and worse, but you can't notice it if you don't leave the room or at least open the window.

Once again: talk to your friends. They are outside, they can breathe and they can tell you if you look like you are suffocating.

3. Those of us who have very low self esteem don't know how to trust our gut feelings. But actually you know it deep down in your body, whether someone is good for you or not.

We need a proper " access" to our feelings.A rigorous daily meditation practice really helps enormously for this. Just google this, for excellent guided meditations for free:

UCLA Meditation at the Hammer, Diana Winston

4. That thing that your partner is constantly criticizing about you, can be something that another person adores in you!!! My ex would keep saying that I was always too hyper, overly excited, spoke way too fast and all this made him nervous. But I have friends who find it " energising and inspiring."

That's why I love this quote:
" Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind".

5. Here is a profound truth, that I have learnt from Esther Perel, one of the most brilliant couple therapists in the world.

A patient was talking to her about all the great things a man should have, for her to fall in love with him. But Esther Perel said:

" The experience of love is not what the other person is, it is how you experience yourself in the presence of the other."

So " who you become when you are with this person" is the most important thing. We must be very vigilant about this.

6. The most valuable insight that I have learnt about relationships is this:

“We believe we are seeking happiness in love, but what we are really after is familiarity. We are looking to re-create, within our adult relationships, the very feelings we knew so well in childhood and which were rarely limited to just tenderness and care." ( Alain de Botton )

So when it comes to finding a partner, if you are someone who had a horrifying childhood, you may be unaware of the possibility that your type may be the "cruel type". Precisely because he will remind you of home.

For friends who want to learn more about this, they have another wonderful lesson on this channel called:

" How to choose a partner wisely".

7. The term " gaslighting" comes from a movie, made in 1944. There is an amazing article on this and a horrifying scene from that movie, which you can find online if you google this:

"Open Culture, Gaslighting"

Thank you for this most valuable lesson and the amazing animation!!! The scene at the minute 2.50 was incredibly powerful and moving!

[darthfiende]

The obnoxious thing is that a lot of people don't do it intentionally. If you bring your self doubt from past circumstances into a relationship and are quick to fall on your sword every time something goes wrong, it can make other people with self doubt from past circumstances feel safer and stronger. Some will take advantage of this rather than feel small and guilty again. People overlook the harm they cause when they consider it self defense.

[jesusguerrero]

Those who stalk/gaslight others reveal how little they value their own time and attention. Instead of focusing on themselves, they waste away in an attempt to harm others.