DBT Skills: Radical Acceptance And Distress Tolerance

In this video I discuss radical acceptance, explain what it is, when to use it and how to practice it. Radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill and comes form the school of psychotherapy called dialectical behaviour therapy or DBT. Radical acceptance means accepting this moment or situation exactly how it is. For example. Ben has osteoarthritis and has to rely on a walking stick. He can't walk very far and needs regular breaks. Rather than getting angry about his position he radically accepts "this is my life, I am in pain, I can't walk very far but my life is worth living". Ben accepts his situation but this doesn't mean he has given up or approves of his situation. Ben recognises his situation exists and he accepts the facts about his condition. If Ben didn't accept his health issue he might not take such good care of himself, maybe not taking breaks or not taking his medication which could lead to more suffering down the line.

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0:00 What is radical acceptance?
2:43 When to use radical acceptance
4:06 How to practice radical acceptance

I want to stress that radical acceptance does not mean you approve of your situation. It certainly doesn't mean you have to approve of being ill or approve of being in an abusive relationship. Radical acceptance is not passivity or giving up.

There are there types of situation when radical acceptance is useful.

1, you experience trauma or pain. For example, you may have a traumatic past. Accepting the the facts of a traumatic past can be very painful and complete acceptance may take some time, months or even years. But you cannot change what has already happened, fighting with the past only blinds you to the present moment. You cannot control the past as it has already happened but you can chose to accept your past so you can make changes in your future.

2, You are in distress but not a crisis. For example, you are in a traffic jam and are going to be late for an important job interview. Getting angry will not change your situation. It would be more helpful to accept you are going to be late, call the office, explain what has happened and see if you can rearrange the interview. Accepting the present moment situation enables you to problem solve.

3. Problem solving isn't working. For example, you have caught COVID and your daughters wedding is in two days and you have been planning the wedding for two years. This is a good time to accept the reality that you are sick and should stay at home to recover. There is nothing you can do to change this situation other than accept it. The outcome is not what you want but there is nothing you can do to make this any different.

It's not always easy to practice radical acceptance. It's something is painful a natural response if to push it away or try to block it. And it's not always as simple as saying 'yes, I accept this situation'. The more painful the situation the longer it can taker for you to fully accept it. Sometimes the the process of acceptance is a choice you make every day, sometimes several times a day. For example, accepting that a parent has died is not something many people just accept and this may take some time, months or even years. You may observe there are times when you accept and times when you don't accept. When you don't accept you may notice thoughts such as 'why me' or feelings of anger or bitterness.

🔵 ABOUT TERESA LEWIS

Teresa Lewis is the founder and Director of Lewis Psychology and a Senior Accredited psychotherapist with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (MBACP Snr. Accred). Qualified in 1995, Teresa has been providing counselling and psychotherapy treatment for nearly 30 years. Teresa holds a masters degree in counselling and psychotherapy and is a qualified EMDR Practitioner having completed training accredited with EMDR Europe. Teresa is also a qualified adult educator and an accredited Mindfulness teacher As a recognised expert in her field Teresa is frequently asked to conduct editorial reviews and endorse counselling and psychotherapy books for international publishing houses.

🔵 GRAPHICS AND THUMBNAIL

#LewisPsychology

[janekyte]

Very insightful and appropriate in my situation as someone living with CFS/ME. Thank you

[maddarena]

I was wondering what the state of acceptance actually looks like and I concluded that it is when I stop generating negative feelings, thoughts, and behaviors concerning my problem. No more avoiding the problem, just look at reality and see the truth. No more anger, fear, shame, worry, guilt, sadness, etc.

[bonniestewart]

As someone living with borderline personality, I find this is the hardest skill to try and get right because I feel pain so intensely.

[Speedster]

Thank you for this video. I've been working through a lot of past trauma alongside a recent autism diagnosis (age 29) and radical acceptance has been something I have struggled to utilise. The affirmation that radical acceptance isn't giving up or an approval of my situation has made it easier to understand and I hope, alongside the willing hands, it'll become a useful tool in my growing arsenal of DBT techniques.

[JohnKooz]

Thank you for your clear, efficient, and useful explanation of Radical Acceptance!

[cskellum]

I’ve been struggling with a situation and was talking with my therapist about the need to accept the situation but also to stop being passive and stop enable the situation. This was the clearest explanation yet of how acceptance doesn’t mean giving up and passivity. Thank you.

[capulet]

If I don’t accept the present I have no control over my future. I can’t change what happens, so why would I hurt unnecessarily? Sure, I love him, but he doesn’t feel the same way, why would I hurt if I cannot change that? I have no control of it and that is a relief. It’s not my fault.

[nwadi]

I’m in terrible pain because I can’t accept a disorder I’m living with. I want to think differently but it’s so hard. I have thought of giving up.

[psych-ryry]

I use this skill everyday. I get stuck feeling resignation, depression, and bitterness when I accept reality. I have to say I don't feel any closer to whatever constitutes a life worth living.

[FaithfulandTrue]

1:10 this was me with uncanny accuracy! Thanks for the reminder, I got out for good on the 5th attempt- toxic hope could kill us 😢🙏🏻

[MojhaMacDowell]

I have shared this video to a Facebook group that I have started. It was well accepted and I appreciate your clarity and knowledge.

[renus]

Thank you. Very informative. Needed this as am going through difficult times...

[naamaschneor-pels]

You're so honest and connected to what you say! I can only say, 'thank you!!!'

[tiverson]

Excellent!… thank you for such clear, well - organized -and presented- videos

[chiaranguyen]

If you dont accept the situation, it’ll keep happening in the future I believe until you get the lessons universe sent😊

[deborahbain]

I've got fibromyalgia I have radically accepted it

[zepirothhong]

As currently struggling with Anger and Disappointment, thank you Lewis for the Willing Hand Tips. Greetings from Indonesia. 🖖👍👏

[elin_]

I don't only need radical acceptance for my own past and current situations, but also to be able to deal with this world as a whole.. I find this world very insufferable to be in with all the religion, oppression and hypocrisy going on all the time... I am so bad at accepting things.. both the things I can and can't control...

[katyjenkins]

After decades of #$-*@! something in my brain just went "Nope. This way of living HAS to change and its up to me to change it!". Its like a lightbulb went off! Im 57 and this happens. Isnt it unusual that my brain just chose instantly that the chaos has go stop? (Although i have been in counseling for several years and working hard.)
Only problem now is i feel like my personality has changed a bit, somewhat melancholy, and im not sure at this age what/how to change.
Oh

[Hayes]

Just on the point of accepting a very painful situation and find a way to change. 🙏