HOW TO VALIDATE: THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP SKILL

Validation is one of the most important relationship skills we can ever use to ATTUNE to our children, our partners, and anyone else we want to connect with on a meaningful level.

But what does validation really look like?

What are validating vs invalidating responses?

How does it make others feel when we don't validate them?

Why does it matter so much?

How much does being attuned to, and validated, impact our sense of self and our connections within our relationships?

INVALIDATING ENVIRONMENTS are the hallmark of the BPD CHILDHOOD, and even if you are generally a loving, dedicated parent, you might not realize that you may be uncomfortable with emotions, and inadvertently shut down, disregard or invalidate your loved ones. (MISATTUNEMENT).

RESOURCES FOR PARENTS ON LEARNING HOW TO ATTUNE, VALIDATE AND USE RIGHT AND LEFT BRAIN STRATEGIES WITH EMOTION:

THE WHOLE BRAIN CHILD
BRAINSTORM
PARENTING FROM THE INSIDE OUT

[Duck]

I’m an avoidant and after being constantly told by my partner I’m not listening and me feeling I am and doing everything to listen and help learning about validation has been mind blowing.

I finally understood what she means I’m not validating her emotions and when I realised it I felt terrible because I realised invalidation is all I’ve ever known. I couldn’t even validate my own emotions.

To feel the pain I have caused her I had to realise the pain I’ve been in for so long but after that and I actually just started validating and empathising whatever she said instead of trying to help or fix it.

Changed everything more connected less arguments and the problems nearly always fixed themselves.

Validation feels like some superpower now lol and is actually fun to really listen and connect to what someone is saying

[kimpyeatt]

As a child, I was never validated. My mom was/is BPD. She was the only one allowed to have any feelings and no one was going to "trump" her in the victim department. I was labeled "selfish" or a "selfish bitch" if I ever had any feelings. When my younger brother passed away years ago, I was told that my grief was nothing compared to hers. She never acknowledged my grief. Even today, if I bring up something that is upsetting to me (that has nothing to do with her), the focus of the conversation goes immediately to her and then we have to rehash for the 200th time some past hurt she's experienced. I always listen and am empathetic (yes, even after 200 times of listening to the same thing). If I'm not, I know what that will bring me. I'm 60 now and have come a LONG way but I still get triggered by some things she says and does. I will say that the nightmares I would have of her finally stopped about 1.5 years ago. That's progress. Love this channel. Just found it yesterday.

[unsolicitedadvice]

"You're just being dramatic! You just want attention! Suck it up or I'll give you something to cry about!" Was my reality.

[daniellecharming]

This is so validating 😭😭 I feel like EVERYONE sees me negatively and if they like me I think there's something wrong with them. I want to get better and I'm trying 💜

[rustyshimstock]

Thank you Dr. Sage. It is interesting how there is a sort of axis running from Shame (negative / debit ) to Validation (positive / credit). Validation can negate Shame. Shame may accumulate from cronic invalidation. It seems as though people conditioned toward shame are inclined to bestow shame on others at times. This video is so helpful.

[tamara]

This is so important in everyday life! I've had some huge problems at work for dismissing other's fears/feelings and it's exactly that phrase that you said "listening to defend yourself "

[Teresa]

WOW!!!!
Every video is my life. This is absolutely freaky.
You explain things so well.
I want to heal my life!!!!
Love and light❤️💫

[adrianhill]

This was extremely helpful! Thank you for all the work that you do and sharing your knowledge!

[Sheywh]

My Covert husband did this to me in the last 8 years which was a light switch of remembering my childhood and how I was treated one day Was in my face all over again..

[jayne.]

Unbelievable, how few views this video has, and how important core skill this is for any human interaction. If we all (including me) knew how to do this, world would be a nice place to live in without conflict and unneeded anger. Thank you, Dr. Kim Sage.

I was put on a completely wrong track with BPD father and covert narcissist mother, but I will put a lot of effort to really master this and be a good and caring person.

[Faith_Chi]

Thank you Dr Sage. I appreciate this and your other videos xo

[jhlfsc]

This is SO terrifying and tricky to hear because I would imagine that a LOT of parents who do some of these things are not only not coming from an intent to mistreat or willful neglect, but instead genuinely thinking they are helping their child to feel better and cared about.
It's almost tragic in that sense.

[minji_lyn]

This is such a good and helpful video. Thank you for explaining things so well, Dr. Sage!

[kgt]

These are wonderful videos. Thanks so much.

[xeltestic]

I've been 7 years the avoidant party of the relationship. I wasn't able to internalize validation nor give it to my partner. Then I learned through therapy the importance of it. For this relationship it came too late, but I made it my goal to use the new found skill in my next one, only to find myself in a relationship with another avoidant who shamed me for needing validation. Well that one ended quickly. It's all so confusing...

[daniellecharming]

Dr Sage, what is an appropriate response to a lot of the "your experience is a result of your thoughts" advice that people love to throw at others these days? I do believe in the law of attraction to a degree but I have friends who respond with this during hard times and my CPTSD symptoms and it's incredibly insensitive. I feel like any response just makes me look "more negative" reinforcing their advice. Thank you.

[oiddymanning]

You mentioned a few times what unhelpful validation looks like. Is there such a thing as toxic validation and if so where is the line between toxic validation and helpful validation? And, is there a good working definition for it? Also, is there any good peer-reviewed articles about the line you could suggest?

[NoFace-cuzd]

Hi, are you sure females in relationships with males need to validate the mans feelings? Are they wired for this? Seems like it would indicate weakness in their man and would trigger hypergamy in the female to be turned off and look for a higher status/stronger man that doesn't question his emotions/feelings nor need help/support from the female. Thanks for your videos!