Episode 52: How to Validate Yourself

We live in a world of seeking external validation. This can keep us in patterns where we’re doing things just to please others— leaving us resentful or burnt out. Learning how to validate yourself helps us be more authentic and creates healthier relationships.

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[bycarolinakobayashi]

Self acknowledgement is the beginning of self-validation and self-celebration. I remember years ago I strated to eventually celebrate myself for the times i didn't reactively respond to my own thoughts + feeings with self-loathing, so I started small, since self-celebration was so unfamiliar to me, with "Congratulations, you did not treat yourself so horribly this time!", then it evolved into "Hey, this is less bad than what I've done in the past" to "You're doing better and I'm proud of you, Thank you." and then "I realized I'm treating myself with grace nowadays and I love that for me".
It's the little things, consistently, every single time I had the chance to respond differently. And it's okay if it's taking longer to 'see results' than it was expected to, you'll get there eventually.

[rosemary]

wow i just need to say this, so my parents are doctors and work all day and i only see them in late evening where they come home tired, it's when i go to them and start talking to them well mostly my mom about my thoughts ideas dreams wants and needs that i been thinking about all day, and she always ALWAYs shoved me away telling me that i'm ridiculous or that she's tired and doesn't have the energy to listen to useless insignificant things like this and till this day she does that to me, she makes me and my thoughts feel so small and insignificant and i always wanted to get her validation and approval, i think this is how i learned to need validation of people who treat me bad or belittle me

[modc]

dude… you cracked “it”. The feeling- the pain- I feed and feed and feed…. It’s a part of MY self I rejected… living in exile. I learned I had a SELF a year ago. I hv known a lifetime of my family issues challenges trauma and rejection. I didn’t understand the pain was self rejection. Dude! This is HUGE! I don’t think you can possibly know how big this is for me. Thank YOU ❣️

[robertag]

Thank you for this. I continually devalue my thoughts and feelings. I often judge myself as a horrible person and spend time catastrophizing what would happen if anyone found out. I am strongly conflict-averse and when confronted I usually break down and cry rather than state how I feel. It helps to think of validation as acceptance of what is. And not a judgment of whether it is right or wrong to feel that way or think that thought. I often tell myself, "you're 56 years old. why are you being so ridiculous? other people don't feel this way. why can't you get yourself together." I can see how I have never validated anything about myself. Again, thank you for showing me what to do to heal from this, even just a little at a time.

[des_]

This morning I googled “how do I stop seeking external validation” and this was in my email this afternoon 🙏

[irene]

I remember, , when I was a kid I was sad about something and I cried. My mother didn't like this behavior and she told me that because of my behavior I caused her to go to the doctor. It wasn't until recently that I realized this is the cause of my health anxiety...

[lwaziglobal]

"It is safe now, my reality is valid" I love that, and I love celebrating the moment!

This is so simple but powerful

[antoinettemthompson-intuit]

As always, so many golden nuggets to take away and practice in our own individual realities in our own individual ways. I believe self-validation is at the core of our healing journey. there are so many facets that are connected to it. Lack of expression, suppression, low self-esteem, closing off your heart, shutting down, people pleasing, not setting healthy boundaries.... and the list goes on. Such an important topic and delivered so concisely for us all to explore. Thank you and I honour your courage too fly solo Nicole. That in itself is self - validation! 💚

[nic]

This is so powerful 🙏🏼 The episode that helped ground me the most today. I usually listen to the podcast only, just now starting to watch the YT videos and so shocked this channel doesn’t have a larger mass following, everyone should tune in

[belindastark]

Wow! I used to feel and sometimes still catch myself running from my feeling or saying you don’t have it bad look how much worse someone else has it. The thing is that could go on endlessly because someone is always going to have it harder or easier. As a child I was told that I was faking, lying or acting like a pita full pearl. I had many stomach issues as a child and when struggling they seem to raise up again. I was taken from my mother at 3. My mother was Mexican and my grandfather was extremely prejudiced. So when my mother was at work a neighbor call Social Service. They came and split us all up. I went to my dad who had just married my step mom. She was so brutal in the way she spoke to me. My father started molesting me when I was 4. My step mom never allowed any emotions or feelings to be spoke or expressed in anyway. So I left my body. It was unsafe on all levels. I witnessed my father beating my step mom and then rapping her. I went down the stairs and hid in the bushes for hours. When all was quiet I decided to go back into the house I reached for the door knob only to have my 6ft 4 father fresh back from Vietnam open the door. I was so little he was so huge. He said its ok you can come in. I said not until you leave. He left and I was left with my step mom until I was 10 and then she sent me to live with my dad. She had me for 6 years and drilled into my brain what a piece of shit I was . Always calling me names telling me I was fake, lying and slapping me across the face when I tried to speak or stand up for myself. Im 62 and people didn’t talk of such things then. I never told anyone of my molestation until I was 10. Years of damages done by others. I’m just now really understanding what was done to me. Why I picked the 2 husbands I did and why I have panic attacks that make me disassociate. I don’t even know where Iam, I have no sense of time or space. I read a paper recently by a neuroscientist that sad when you have these kind of attacks when your relaxed ( like laying on the beach, playing with your dogs) it’s because your body is so use to chaos that it can perceive relaxation as a threat. It made so much sense. I’m feeling left behind sometimes because you all are in your 30s and things are talked about now. I’m older and learning and I have come along way but sometimes I feel to old and I wish I could just live out my life in peace. I realize I will have no peace until I dive deep into all that has happened to me in my life. The trauma runs deep. I’m wondering if you will ever do an episode on panic disorders and where they raise from. I never knew because nothing was talked about back then. Also feeling the fact that I’m not young and will spend much of my time left on earth pealing away layers and becoming aware of what Im feeling not comparing or judging myself and the big one I’m safe in my body, its ok to be in my body. My story is so long and very brutal. It’s taken years for me to even say those words. I wanted to Thank you for making your content free to people like me who can’t afford a Therapist. I’m partially blind and live off of 1, 300.00 a month. So thank you for being a life line and teaching in away that’s easy to understand. I love how you start out identifying what the topic actually means because understanding that is the baseline of where to begin. ❤️

[ainanawawi]

Wow this episode resonated with me so much. Ive been feeling rejected by many of my interactions with acquantances lately (theyre not even my close friends) and after hearing this episode i now have a better understanding of what is actually going on. I have not validated myself fully, and thats why i keep looking for external validation and when i did not receive it as how my mind perceived as validation, i felt rejected. And this feeling keeps coming up, making me feel like something is wrong with me & people dont like me. Thank u Dr Nicole Lapera for all the work you & Jenna do. It has helped me a lot in my healing work. Much love from Malaysia ❤

[neetaarora]

Great effort, clarity and the way to self validation.

[demichau]

Thank you so much for this clarification ❤❤❤❤❤❤ thanks for healing us. You guys are wonderful humans.

[thedomlife]

This is a topic that is not talked about enough. I am about to share this video with so many people and I am may have to talk about this myself on my channel.
Because it took me so long to realize this was the core of my problems, but glory to God in my weakness, he gave me strength through it all

[jade]

I needed to hear this after a couple of very difficult weeks, during which I have been so hard on myself for struggling. You speak with such strength and clarity. Thank you! ❤

[terrifinnegan]

My friend and I were talking about this very thing today! I'll share it along with your YouTube channel. Thanks for posting such helpful info 👍

[Wokeafricantvs]

You talk with so much love, I feel it

[melm]

Thank you! It’s so generous and kind of you to create these free lessons. I gain so much from each one of them and like others they often seem to be what I need at the right time. I pray you receive all you give 1000 fold.

[ryannesumbry]

I needed this episode because I want to move to Arizona and I’m looking for so much external validation to know if this is the right thing to do for me… also, yay you’re solo!! 🤗

[frenchysmom]

I am so appreciative of Dr. Nicole. She is so knowledgeable and helpful! Thank you!