INFJ Fawning Response

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INFJ personality types and INFP personality types and the fawning response is most often a result of trauma in childhood. However, a consistent fawning response can also come about in relationships due to self-worth issues, and not feeling understood by others.

Fawning is an extreme form of people-pleasing, and when INFJ personality types and INFP personality types use this type of strategy in relationships, we signal to the other person that we will do anything to placate them and make them happy. INFJ personality types and INFP personality types use the fawning response to stay in control of interactions and manage the unpredictable moods of others, especially if those others are narcissistic personality types.

Much of the time, in childhood, INFJ personality types and INFP personality types had to constantly use the fawning response in the household, just to emotionally survive. Then, in adulthood we live through a fawning response. This blocks flexibility in relationships, and our reactions in interpersonal exchanges become rigid. Our emotional energy slows down and clogs, and we find that we can’t move outside the box of certain scripts that we use with people.

When we reach this point, our soul cannot express its true needs and we end up attracting even more narcissists and other toxic people. To break out of fawning, we must move the narcissistic people out of our lives, and then, in our remaining healthy relationships, we must allow ourselves to lose some control over our interactions with others. We must allow other people to occasionally experience disappointment with us and see us as flawed human beings. We need to work with the concept that other people might not be pleased with us ALL the time.

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[ComplicatedSimplicite]

I am a massive fawner but it is literally terrifying to me not fawning. I’m terrified people are going to get mad at me or there will be some type of confrontation. I do it with literally everyone. Even random people at the grocery store. I had one girl I talked to a lot at the store tell me I don’t have to feel responsible for her feelings. Took me by complete shock. I realized I have to change.

[einahsirro]

I begin to wonder if INFJs are created by Narc parents. I spend a great deal of time coaxing my mother out of her bad moods. She's addicted to it, and when I withdraw it, all hell breaks loose.

[zurichgnome]

The movie “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” would make an excellent companion piece to this video. The ultimate on-screen depiction of a relationship with a calcified energy pattern.

[derekmorcom]

Damn, I didn’t expect to see that very relatable dark side of INFJ fawning covered. In my previous relationship I really wasn’t ok with my partner not being ok with us in any way, and would exactly flutter or keep constant tabs and wait for my chance to go in and try to subtly augment it to be better. My partner kept getting increasingly frustrated and I don’t think either of us understood why, and both kind of thought of him as the bad guy if anything, getting so mad at me trying to make things better. Now I’m seeing the controlling nature of it.

[jenniferdodge]

“Our soul doesn’t feel safe to express itself.” 🤯 Exactly. Great video on the topic and how we respond to feeling a loss of control.

[YAMISOOLD]

Another great deep dive Lauren! I know I have done this fawning before especially with my father and other authority figures in my young life. I had never thought about how other people actually have the right and the need to process their own emotions without us trying to control the situation and make them happy just so they won't be a threat to us or make us uncomfortable. These are subtle things to realize! Thank you!

[charlestiraco]

Great topic. I had already come to the realization that my fawning response was not only toxic to myself but also to anyone I tried to pass it off to as advice just as you pointed out. Well said and important to understand. My responses now are usually more like how you stated they should be... quiet at times and sharing honestly at others.

[jose]

Im the immature person you talk about, who cannot say sorry or take responsibility of my own reactions. I feel my pride being taken away, and I feel less of a human when not being right. I know i am not natcissistic in nature, but I feel “groomed” to be it in a way, with a strongheaded no-mistakes-ever” mother and a sensitive creative musician of a father with an alcohol addiction. I am both a sensitive creative soul singing in a band and playing instruments, making art and writing stories - but I stille have the egocentric strongwilled head like my mother. My older brother is autistic and was not “good enough”, i was the shining wonderkid and my baby brother was the trouble maker. Now I am a mom of two, feeling torn between my temper and expectations to them but also my enormous pleasing gene that wants to full their every psychological need all the time. I wish there was a video out there about me, I feel quite alone in it.

[jose]

Wow I had some amazing insights to my own calcified reactions as a fawning INFJ. Thank you SO much!

[medievaldigger]

Thank you! I can see I’ve begun the process already of “non-fawn”, but was struggling at the “why am I losing everyone” stage. This whole explanation opened my eyes to the next step. So grateful for your time. ❤

[joannaTN]

Boy oh boy is this on point for me. I have a relative by marriage that I MUST see several times a year so my husband can see his grandchildren. He is extremely controlling and self absorbed. After a huge blow up with him, I decided to use what you are calling the fawning behavior. (I thought I was just being manipulative.)

He now loves me because he thinks I came around to his point of view and appreciate his superiority. The thing is that I can deal with him now be cause he’s not terribly bright and I can manipulate him. I wouldn’t do this in any other normal relationship but in this situation it is a protective behavior.

[pykkalo]

Wow. The is explains exactly how I ended up with my emotionally abusive ex husband. Very eye-opening!

[tuszajnojneeg]

Yes. This is so true. I used to do this a lot with my partner. We would get in an argument about what he's angry about. It's messed up.

[aquariusstar]

Ive realized 3 months ago that I have been doing this with toxic manuipulative ppl. I was so mad at myself. Im turning over a new leaf to "I dont give a damn"😂😂 sometimes you have to go to the extreme to come into balance.

[jjjjk]

I feel like I’m fawning even when I’m just emulating regular people’s beat around the bush way of communicating. When I am direct and being myself, it seems people can’t handle it. So I try to be nicer, and it just feels icky, but I guess that’s what you have to do for people to be comfortable.

Now, on the topic of actual true fawning, I am doing a better job of not falling into that pattern.

[mindset_olympics]

Fawning = people pleasing
Freezing = people pleasing

[blueturquoisett]

I need to move from freeze to fight lol then no one will mess with me 😊

[pattayaesl]

As an INFJ i get nauseous when this fawning bs kicks in. It took me years but my first reaction now is to fight and not fawn

[myloveisreal]

INFJs sometimes have a melodic cadence to their voice because of this fawning response I think.

[supremejelliesofuniverse]

Weird request do u do therapy to individuals from different countries like online therapy . As someone who has discovered your channel a few months ago i tend to find comfort and understanding from a few creators such as you and am need of finding s safe support that i usually feel i cannot find in the real world ( as i have been repetitively typed as infp- t throughout the years) . Thanks for your videos and empathy, from an infp lol ❤.