Autistic Social Skills - How to Read Social Cues Better

Ever wondered how to read social cues better? If you've ever found yourself clueless about what others think or feel, keep in mind that you don't have to know everything. We just need to distinguish between what we do know and what we don't know. In this video, I will share a few tricks, including the Location/Occasion strategy for making a relevant relatable comment, while avoiding masking, maintaining your authentic personality, and utilising an understanding of social dynamics.

🎞️Timestamps:
0:00 Introduction
0:40 How do I know it exactly?
2:14 The Questions
2:45 The 4 Important Facts to Keep in Mind
5:55 The Meaning of the Neurotypical Social Cue
6:54 Additional Facts
7:10 The Location Occasion Strategy + Relevant & Relatable Comment
10:31 No Autistic Masking Required. The Authentic Understanding of the Social Dynamic

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👋Welcome to Autism From The Inside!!!

If you're autistic or think you or someone you love might be on the autism spectrum, this channel is for you!
I'm Paul Micallef, and I discovered my own autism at age 30.

Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this channel in the first place because if I didn't show you, you would never know.

Autism affects many (if not all!) aspects of our lives, so on this channel, I want to show you what Autism looks like in real people and give you some insight into what's happening for us on the inside. We'll break down myths and misconceptions, discuss how to embrace autism and live well, and share what it's like to be an autistic person.

Join me as I share what I've found along my journey, so you don't have to learn it the hard way.

Make sure to subscribe so you won’t miss my new video every Friday and some bonus content thrown in mid-week too.

👋Connect with me:

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy my channel!

Peace,

~ Paul

#autism #asd #autismawareness

[Blaineworld]

Sometimes I glance at people because I think they look interesting and not necessarily because I want to talk to them and I quickly look away because I don’t want them to notice. Like, I think they have a fun character design basically.

[OperationDarkside]

I have an alternate string of events:
1. Stress out extremely to the point you're getting cold sweat.
2. Go through every possible thing she could want from you.
3. Stop breathing regularly.
4. Come to the conclusion, that she wants to use the machine you're currently using.
5. Go to her.
6. Tell her, she can now use the machine.
7. Walk away in a fast, but socially acceptable, way.
8. Never go to that gym again.
9. Start a new life in the outback as fire fighter.

[Colfeolune]

When I find myself engaging in that same behavior (glancing at someone repetitively), it's not because I want to interact with that person. It’s usually because there’s something about them that caught my eye. Like a pretty hair color or nice clothes (that's almost the same to me as looking at a pretty light or the fall colors of a tree), or something that intrigues me about their appearance or behavior. Even if it's because I find them attractive, I generally don't want to initiate a conversation, I'm just happy about the visual sensory stimulation. So if I notice this behavior in someone else, I don't assume it means they want to interact with me. No wonder I can never tell if someone is flirting with me :')

[JoeJoeTater]

It's really important to remember that not everyone follows neurotypical rules, even if you read them at neurotypical. I caused myself A LOT of emotional harm by assuming people were following neurotypical rules.

[caitlinwhatthefrick]

Another possible option: she thought you looked familiar and was trying to remember where she saw you from (or has an acquaintance with someone who looks very similar to you). Just a thought

[ExhaustedOwl]

I often assume the worst when I don't understand someone's social cues. I like your fact-checking system to help reduce social anxiety.

[kensears]

I want to share an insight that has come to me since my ASD discovery, one that maybe will prove helpful to others. The ASD discovery and its tsunami of insights came very late to me in life (65), and I like to think that perhaps something I say here might help much younger people and spare them decades of useless anxiety.

Because of this discovery I have a new, dare I say miraculously new, freedom to do certain things simply because I want to, I need to, they are what works for me, and I no longer need to allow that inner visceral "clutch" of self-doubt, embarrassment, guilt, disorientation (wait, what, there's something improper about this?), when others question me with a tone vaguely bordering on ridicule ("Why on earth would you do that?", "That's silly, you don't need to do that, " "That's a waste of time and money, " "Oh, I would never do that; here's a much simpler way, " etc.).

For instance, I am now en route from a city in Country A to a city in Country B. I could certainly do the entire trip in a day...a very long day...with one change of trains, and also the bother of passport control, long lines.... That prospect--doing the whole thing in a day--always, viscerally, horrifies me. Instead, I go to a city near the Country B border where I stay in a hotel for a night, then take the next train into Country B the next day, after a good night's sleep, a leisurely breakfast, a reassuring re-pack of my things and reorientation to the new day's journey. I NEED it, viscerally, psychically (i.e., "existentially").

The standard reaction when I tell people I do this is that I'm doing it the least efficient way, wasting money, "Why, don't you know you could already be there in nine, ten (maybe 11) hours and save yourself a whole's day's travel and hotel costs?"

Somehow what they seem incapable of registering is that, to me, that sounds the same as saying, "Why, don't you know that instead of that ham sandwich you could chew glass?"

But I've never been equipped, that is, until my ASD discovery, to understand my preferences, my NEEDS, as anything but childish, foolishly impractical, self-indulgent, etc. And so I'd stammer and hem and haw about how, yeah, I guess it was silly of me, or, oh, I didn't realize I could have done it all in one day (but I did, so that's a very uncomfortable white lie, which feels like a betrayal of my authenticity), or, "just call me crazy, I guess!" (ha, ha). Whatever it takes to just get them off my back.

But now I'm free. I don't have to justify, explain or, heck, even TALK about my plans, choices and needs with anybody else if I don't want to. Or if I do get confronted about my apparently wildly unorthodox behaviors (staying a night in a hotel, right up there with swallowing live frogs, I guess), I now feel this wonderfully new liberating freedom (yes, I know, tautology, but still...) to just say, "I know, but this is how I like to do this, it's better for me mentally." End of discussion. I'm debt-free, I owe nobody the least attempt at justification. There is nothing TO justify.

I will do what I need, want, to do. And as for wasting money, I dare say that my few indulgences, like a night in hotel, fade in comparison to a slew of things that the people with the helpful advice spend all kinds of money on that I never would. And anyway, it's my money, and my time. I'm not keeping the King of England waiting, for Pete's sake, so lighten up. 😏

[herebecause]

I like your advice here. I think it's helpful and freeing to take the view that there is no set script or 'right' response, even for NTs. Social interactions involve giving ppl the grace and space to connect or not, depending on what their comfort level is.

[lyrajaded]

Not to be dramatic, but this made me cry

Several years ago, I got diagnosed with social pragmatic communication disorder. Social cues have always been very difficult for me. Growing up was extremely confusing, because no one would ever explain anything to me. “You’ll figure it out.” But I never did. I’m very open about it now, and I have a couple people I feel comfortable asking to explain things that are “supposed” to be basic understanding. I tend to view social cues like an anthropologist with an internal field notes

I’m turning 40 next year and this is the first time I’ve ever not only related to a situation, but also guided on how to interpret and interact with it. I can’t describe how much that means to hear something like that

Thank you so much! I’ll be watching more of your channel

[MaleINTP]

What... I still don't understand why people don't just talk to each other.

Who takes conclusions out of several 0.5 seconds of semi eye contact... And why would they think that I understood that...

[andersrhys]

I'm not neurotypical, but I often use this type of behavior (brief eye contact paired with a smile) to demonstrate openness to interacting. Usually when I am trying to seem approachable at work or when I'm trying to flirt. It seems to work pretty well

[thormusique]

As someone who is also autistic, I can say what you say here is immensely helpful. I wish I'd known some of this long ago. My own 'mistakes' in these kinds of situations is that I would attempt to over-analyse the situation, rather then actually move forward (in any way). I would usually sort of freeze and not be able to act, largely because I was caught up in my speculations, as well as attempting to predict what might happen if I were to act in a particular way, etc. Consequently, nothing would happen. Frustating, indeed. Anyway, I find what you say here quite helpful, cheers!

[laurenfromcolorado]

As a human who has been watching interactions my whole life, I find this to be true for the good majority of interactions that look like the one described. Either they are open to talking to you and have some form of interest, or you have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe and they are too shy to mention

[paulc]

I would've assumed she was looking at me because there was something wrong with my clothes, or I was in her way and she was hoping I would move, or something like that. I would have assumed that if she wanted to talk to me she would just do that herself.

[auparsec]

One social cue that I have a hard time understanding is that throughout much of my adult life, random strangers would often gawk at me as if I am an alien from outer space or a strange creature like Bigfoot. And I could never figure out why I was often being gawked at by strangers whenever I was out in public, since I've always felt that I looked and acted normal.

[SoberOKMoments]

Very clear. Very helpful. Thank you. I'm an old woman now, but I remember complaining to a woman friend when I was young that no one ever seemed to want to date me and I asked her advice as she had men interested in her all the time. She said eye contact was important. I replied I had no problem with eye contact and didn't avert my eyes when I met an interesting man. She then said, "yes, but I'm talking about normal eye contact, not drilling a hole in their forehead with your eyes the way you do." 😄

[thsis]

I do love this format. Breaking down nonverbal cues to help us better read people. I know a younger version of me would of definitely appreciated this, and even now its interesting to check if I'm keeping up. Luckily, I tend to be pretty outgoing and friendly on the surface level, but that came with much practice with strangers at work. Building rapport and making them feel more satisfied with our interaction. Some people, from the comments they left me, seemed to genuinely appreciate my efforts.

[MettaFTW]

me and my husband dated for 2 years before he told me thats what was happening. i didnt know they were dates so i kept inviting my friend to go to the movies with us 😭 hes very patient.

[TheVegan]

That's interesting, thinking "they're open & interested in talking to me..." that absolutely never would have occurred to me if someone was just glancing at me intermittently. I'm not autistic but I do have a personality disorder that impedesy understanding of social cues, but whereas I think autistic people tend to not see cues at all, I see cues where there are none, mostly of a negative character. When people look at me for too long or too often I assume either that there's some problem like a stain on my shirt or something on my face, or that they recognize me, but I don't recognize them, but they think I do & that I'm snubbing them, or more generally that they just think I'm ugly or unpleasant somehow. I might have gone my whole life never having started a conversation in such a context bc I wouldn't have thought of it as an option! Ironically now that I'm thinking about it I realize I do the same thing, the most I will do to try to initiate an interaction with someone is to glance at them a few times. Funny how I never thought sonebody else could be doing the same thing

[tosdy]

You give the most useful advice I have ever gotten from a youtube channel