How to Come Out to Friends, Family, and Coworkers | MtF Transgender LGBTQIA+

Todays topic can be tough to approach, but it's an important one. As a MtF or FtM transgender person, at some point, the more visible you get in your transition—because of gender dysphoria or otherwise—the more pressure you may feel to come out. Coming out can be complicated, but it doesn't have to be. By equipping you with the knowledge of how certain spheres will likely react, you can be better prepared to approach the conversation with confidence. Let's talk about it!

[shoeonhead]

Lol this video came out just at the right or wrong time. I came out at work today and was nervous as hell, long story short, an hour or so later I had a desk full of flowers and cards and beauty products from every girl in my office.

I literally broke down and sobbed. It was SO sweet.

[charlottegrace]

as a trans woman you do help relieve dysphoria. you are also funny honestly

[Christine_Robyn]

I got outted by my ex wife when she divorced me. She did not want to be with me because I am transgender. It was a very traumatic and it left me hating myself. For years after I tried to convince myself that I am not transgender. That I actually was just confused about a sexual fetish. After three years of suppressing and of course I purged most of my womens clothing too, I am back to the place I was before.

[TristaWinz]

The hardest part for me was coming up with what to say. I had certain family members that I wanted to tell in person, and others via text or email. The text and emails were for the people I was more concerned about accepting or not…and I was just real, open, and honest.

With work…I just told everyone via a group chat that I was changing my name and pronouns, and I showed up the next day as myself.

When telling people in person, I found this approach to be super super helpful. Ask “Have you ever heard of the term LGBT”? (Everyone says yes). Then ask, “Do you know what the T stands for”? (Half will say yes, the other half will say no). Then say “I’m transgender”. This worked like magic for me ha. Hope it helps someone else.

[RobisonRacing]

Totally agree... Transition is strategic. I hope this gets a million views. So often people approach their parents while stomping their feet and insisting on things like pronouns etc.. That's the approach of a 2 year old. Be smart. Win the war, not the battle, just like Ashley says.

[pato]

I really appreciate your thoughts and insights. I have not come out and I am still processing this whole idea. I am 58 and coming out scare the shit out of me. Your insights are extremely helpful. Thank you

[Yota_]

Coming out to family? They know since I was a little child. I didn't knew anything bc they didn't want me to. So I'm actually coming out to myself against all odds.
Much love and light 🙏🏻❤️

[DeputatKaktus]

Thank you for posting this. Your explanations help me better understand what some of my friends have been going through. More people need to see this.
One of my really long time friends who I have known for almost half my life came out as trans about four years ago and right from the start I tried very hard to not make a big deal out of this. Getting names and pronouns right was a bit of a challenge initially. And to be honest, our interactions have not changed that much. She is doing great. Last year, another friend and coworker of mine actually did a company-wide "Ask Me (almost) Anything" over Zoom on his transition, backed and supported by HR. The session had 100+ participants. This took place well after he was out so everybody knew he was not always the way he is now. Anyways, he shared some of his personal story. This was REALLY heavy stuff (which he somehow managed to make light of and elicit a few chuckles) and quite a few people needed a moment afterwards.

[jimileecrawford]

Great video as always Ashley. My own was with my trusted coworker and friend. We almost simultaneously came out to each other. Me as trans and her as lesbian. This was pre HRT and I spent the next couple of months growing out my hair and wearing light makeup. My manager pulled me aside one day and asked if I was alright and I came out to him. He was cool and so we're the rest of my coworkers. Sometimes a slow approach is best, don't you think? Anyways, solid advice from you.❤️

[missalisa-ii]

Epic and yes I had to go through this too. I will say that coming out is a term I use more for announcing one is gay or lesbian. Transgendering is a far more complex thing and yes take it easy in stages- it most certainly is NOT an overnight thing. Hi Mum I'm a Lesbian (note here - I am - not I want to be one) or Hi Dad /Mum I'm gay. (not I'm thinking I'm gay). Here is how I tell people about it. I got diagnosed with gender dysphoria and given 3 options 1. take anti-depressants (which will suppress one's anxiety or depression but never deal with the root causes.) 2. Transgender. 3. Die earlier sad and depressed. (given that we will all die. A known fact) it's much better in my book to die happy and at peace with oneself and others. I chose option B. Get diagnosed with cancer let's say breast cancer. you get 3 options 1. Start chemo immediately. 2. Have your breast removed (still need 1. ) or 3. don't do a and or b we give you 6 months to a year to live. When I put it like that to folks they can really relate to what I'm saying when I tell them I'm transgendering. Hope that helps anyone. xx

[MiaPhoenix]

Yep I've already been through process. They cut me off and cut them off. I achieved a great support group of people.

[MsJP]

I just came out to friend as Trans mtf it was so unnerving but it felt like I was suffocating less

[DIEKDSE]

Well i had luck... I just told my Girlfriend " Honey, i think i might be a girl " and we talked about it for Hours and cried, laughed and cried again.
She was cool with it even we broke up 2 months later, we are still loving each others as sisters and also still share an apartment together .


For Friends and Family i just made a Instagram Post.

My coming out was the best thing i ever did in my whole life ( 30yo btw)

and Danke for you Videos ! <3

[saskia]

Thank you. You are so young and beautiful and I am loving your work here! I'm 6' 3" and 73 and came out Trans 3 mo. ago to my family. I will be starting HRT next mo. I am a musician as well, and am terrified to come out in public now, but need to play my heart out, so I will. I don't have it together in confidence or clothes and being a solo performer, no band to hide in, so to speak; I don't want to hide, and it's about the music, not my trip, so I am afraid my still-awkward in-betweenness will be on full display. Inside I feel young and so glad to be alive and share. I am wondering what Ashley might have to say on this, and have you been around older trans people that are in similar stages and fears? It is so weird to me, as a young person in America, this was not a problem, and stirring up alternative life choices was natural to me. I am living completely out now, but at all. I don't think I am whining, Ashley, but I would appreciate any of your fresh and honest thoughts on this, if you have any. Right now, I meditate before playing, and this helps me be natural.

[emmanicolerulez]

Let me just say that I love your content! You're always so positive and encouraging and informative! I just came out as trans at 30..only to my friends and family tho bc I live in a super small conservation town in the middle of a national forest. I don't know that I would be accepted in the work place either.. it's home healthcare for mentally disabled adults. There's a guy who works at our branch in the bigger town an hour away who is very flamboyantly gay but he identifies as male. I mean I would be okay if they accept me and I just can only work with male clients..but we don't have any lgbt anti discrimination laws in Missouri.

[lucasmosoni]

I agree with all of this but personally past trauma and anxiety has made it really hard for me to come out slowly and diplomatically. I have so much anger towards society and cisgender people that when coming out to friends, work and family, I get extremely defensive and angry because I have been already so hurt in the past that I can't tolerate being hurt again by ignorance. Hopeful things will get better though.

[qlnbd]

The pressure is entirely internal, and it keeps building. Came out to my mum. She was cool. Still not quite ready to come out to the world.
Really appreciate the help. Dont want to win a battle, dont want to win a war. Just want to be a woman. Always have.
You can call me Jessica. Name I first used playing Mass Effect as Fem Shep.😁

[FarnansFotoz]

I came out to family and close friends super slowly and woooo the anxiety and stress was rough. Often times coming out to my male friends who were bigger than me I was more afraid of them beating me up. Never happened and they were way more accepting than I ever imagined. Otherwise my coming out went pretty smoothly then I got wasted one night in Vegas and came out to 1700 friends on FB and again it went well. The issue I have is that I sort of went back into hiding, years passed, and I’ve started working a ton to try to forget it because I’m “in denial” as my therapist says. So yeah, go slow but don’t stop because stopping sucks. As for work, I work in tv/film/theater/show production. I’m always working with a ton of new people so it’s difficult to find people who are all accepting of me. As much as I love to think everyone in my industry is more accepting honestly it’s still difficult having to work with someone who thinks it’s a great idea to make small talk about how they think it’s crazy trans people get to work this or that job or make jokes about it while we work. I usually bite my tongue because I really enjoy my jobs vs one piece of shit that I’ll probably never see again after it ends. But yeah, over the years I’ve gotten better at accepting myself and coming out to new people isn’t an issue anymore.

[joefarrow]

I used to go out with a Spanish girl who had some family from the Basque Country, and she told me some stories about how Celtic people immigrated to the Basque Country from Britain and Ireland and brought the language with them. I guess she was just wrong

[chowloverdave]

I love Ashley, great personality and attractive, straight man who is in love with Ashley! Dave