How to Forgive Yourself | Being Well Podcast

We all make mistakes in life. When we do it's important to take appropriate responsibility, feel the "wince," and make amends as we can. But after we've done that...then what? Many people find it easier to forgive others than they do to truly forgive themselves, and it's not uncommon to be burdened by excessive shame and guilt that has outlived its expiration date.

On this episode Dr. Rick Hanson and I explore forgiveness, including how we can forgive ourselves. This includes common myths and misunderstandings about forgiveness, the difference between healthy and unhealthy forms of shame and remorse, coming to terms with what we've done, and a roadmap to achieving (self-)forgiveness.

Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
2:05 Assumptions, approval, and what forgiveness is and is not
7:55 What does healthy remorse look like?
10:15 Forrest exploring a dream about appropriate remorse
13:35 Our internalized justice system
17:35 More on dreams and internal parts
24:05 Aspects of unhealthy remorse
28:10 How to move through a recurring cycle of shame and unhealthy remorse
33:25 Proportionality, defensiveness, intention, and owning your mistakes
41:45 Clean pain and dirty pain
48:35 Some concrete practices
53:55 Recap

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[LaLaLaurino]

I’m not over exaggerating when I say I’ve played this episode over 20 times….you both have become so so incredibly comforting for me.

[BldyPnguin]

The story of the dog in the dream has helped me so much it’s insane. Thank you for putting that in here, I really needed that

[sqrfoot]

It makes me so warm in the heart to see the two of you together.

[Amber]

I love your dad’s genuine enthusiasm for each topic! His excitement is almost always palpable and I admire the sort of intrinsic, unbridled playfulness he seems to exude.

[diegotejera]

Duo with one of the best psychology podcasts out there & definitely the best hair 😉

[DougB-hf]

Thank you so much for this perspective on self forgiveness. I betrayed a good friend and we have not spoken for 3 months. I am ashamed and saddened by my actions. I’m deeply grieving this loss and the hurt I’ve brought into his life as a result of my actions. He may never forgive me and I can live with that but I hurt so much by the hurt I have caused him and his lost of trust for me. One stupid action destroyed a good friendship. I’ll try to forgive myself over time as I work through the grief of loss and “unpack” my actions to better understand them. This podcast has been incredibly helpful, Thank you so very much.

[lauriesanto]

Also would like an episode on authoritarian parents as I often wonder if that is the root of my extreme anger issues. 😢

[gerisserran]

Forrest, I can relate to your story at the end, I too have regrets about not spending enough time with my nana when she was ill and dying, one of my biggest regrets. Thanks for sharing, I feel that.

[georgiasmyrniou]

Thank you for looking at the other side. Particularly good for parents. Unfortunately for some of us we cannot turn the time and rectify then we live with the trauma of having causing trauma to somebody. This criminalization can be unbearable

[tiffanykeener]

Please do an episode on authoritarian parents. It would be helpful.💗

[dublingirl]

Loved this conversation on forgiveness and all of the issues in how we can deal with it. Forgiving and Forgetting is a deep area to delve into. Thanks to both of you!

[through.a.barrel.she.breathes]

I agree that the shame I carry for the mistakes I made both that unintentionally and in anger or sadness intentionally hurt others and it doesn't sit with my core values. So I agree that wiping the slate clean and disentanglement and making deliberate efforts to improve and change my conduct in the future and hold myself accountable just as I expect accountability by others. Yes I think I have well and truly served by time for the guilt and shame I carry when I use CBT strategies like asking what I would say to a friend in my shoes as I think most of us are harder on ourselves than others.

[syxxwun]

One of my relationships just ended because of my recurring behaviors. I'm in a state of heavy self hatred right now. This video just popped up on my feed.

[utubenumberone]

These guys are great! I have grown internally more listening to them than being in therapy for 5 years! Thank you and I really needed to listen to this forgiveness episode!!

[dorishaus]

Yes do more episodes on childhood being raised by……
Love this one, just listened again! Giving my inner dogs a cookie!!❤

[storytimetarot]

Thank you Forrest, thank you Rick. There’s so much pragmatic wisdom here. Forrest, thank you for your gentleness and spaciousness for the vulnerable, messy humanity that we each experience inside ourselves. I’d love to listen to series on ‘the children of sociopaths’. I see your dream dog is a beautiful messenger Angel of mercy for your deep pure heart, a reminder of your empathy. Thank you for your body of work. It’s quite the legacy you’re creating for the world. 🙏🏻🤍

[wendi]

Forrest, I always think what I would've given to have had a parent like Rick. And you are a beautiful soul and son. Your podcasts have helped so much. Thank you so much.

[maryives]

I appreciate your podcasts. I like how the discussion between you and your dad brings such insight and balance to complex, layered human behaviors. I find your willingness to be vulnerable is especially valuable. There is a sense of optimism and hope conveyed throughout the discussion by the way you are with one another--honest and joyful.

[lovepositivethinker]

I love you.
Thank you for support.
New Zealand is better.
peace .

[dorishaus]

And I love your recap. I could feel your sadness when talking about your Grandmother.
I believe your right she wouldn’t want you to keep feeling bad about it.