Are You Your Parent’s Parent?

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The Holistic Psychologist

[TinaOsborne-wbsb]

My mom's emotions were my responsibility. It was my job to keep her calm and comfortable at all times. She could not regulate herself at all. My feelings and needs had to be ignored. I still struggle with setting limits and with knowing what I want or need. It's hard, but I'm still working on it.

[oxforddictonary]

I'm 38. I've only lived on my own for 3 years of my life while I was away at college. The rest of the time I've been stuck with my mother. My dad died 9 years ago. She is terrified to live on her own and is manipulative and overbearing in keeping me trapped with her and keeps saying she has no interest in living and if anything happens to her she doesn't know who's going to take care of her etc. She has no understanding that as a grown man I need to move on with my life. I've sacrificed so much for my family my entire life. And now, here I am, almost 40 years old and I have no life of my own and I have my own issues with anxiety/depression/Complex PTSD. I resent her so much. I just want to live a life free of her. She should never have had children.

[rightweaponry]

I think this is why i have such a hard time asking for help. It's like i feel resentful that i help soo many people and it literally never occurs to them that i might need some help. But when it comes time to ask, i dont want to so i do it myself and find myself resentful again. I think asking for help is scary when you grow up being the stability and caregiver to your parent. Allowing yourself to be helped feels as if you are losing the control you have come to overly identify with.

[Marina-vbby]

This is divine timing, indeed. I was just wondering about this today, as I had a conversation with my mother about her quality of life, and thought to myself, why is it that I always feel like the parent with my own mom? Thank you for finally helping me know what this is. 🙏🏽 I love how you helped pinpoint the inability to identify emotions and difficulty with boundaries. Excited to begin this journey so I can break the cycle for my own daughter.

[courtneyliaaa]

I dealt with this a lot as a kid. It put me into survival mode a lot. I was responsible for and also blamed at times for my mothers emotional well being. I am 24 now and it now makes me feel angry. Any time that I feel that I have to worry or feel responsible for her now makes me angry. I don’t feel like it is something I should have to deal with anymore. So when I find out that she’s not taking care of herself… or expecting me to take her in I get angry. But even though I feel like it’s not my responsibility anymore I still feel guilty at times. But I deserve to create a good life for myself.

[sammylove]

Yes I resonate very much with what you said about childhood parentification. I’m 35 f now and I still deal with it as I drive my mom everywhere (she doesn’t take care of herself or her finances) and deal with manipulative tactics such as the silent treatment and defensiveness if anything is ever brought up that’s uncomfortable. My bother recently passed away of drug overdose. He tried so hard to get clean and did manage for a year to be clean but he never could get away from my mom as he had to live with her for financial reasons. It’s very confusing learning now that a lot of these patterns we’ve been dealing with are textbook cases of child parentification.

[hannahxo]

I used to be a long term carer for my mother. It was quite difficult. She has mental health problems. Since moving out I have realised what I have missed out on its been hard to think about myself now. Makes me sad.

[mousicos]

I feel like this is significant moment on the enlightened journey - to feel like your parents parent. It certainly was for me. An opportunity to break the trangenerational chains, or at least tweak them x

[sawdustadikt]

I had this experience. So much so I’ve had to make “help” a four letter word. I’ve had to develop boundaries around helping people because I will go straight into self sacrificing actions being driven by being the help I needed and never got. Boundaries are super difficult to develop when this and other abuses has been happening since a pre verbal age. It’s worth it. The boundary I made with myself is that I will only help my wife, my son and myself. If I engage in helping anyone with anything there is a discussion where I say what I will and will not do and what I expect in return. This was harsh stuff to enact but not as harsh as volunteering myself to be routinely taken advantage of. Been watching you since you had a white board in front of a brick wall, you keep getting better and better.

[HolisticFlora]

I am trying 6 years now, to make my mother respect my boundaries regarding my personal space inside the house!! I am 42 years old!!!! she is a little child that doesn't respect their children's limits! it's awful...

[malu]

I started dealing with this when my dad started cheating on her full on, when I was 9. It’s never stopped till now. She does love me but she is still very immature. I find myself advising her on issues at times. Subconsciously. My mom, on the other hand, acts like a teenager that takes out her frustration on others (me), trying to control me and trying to force her life values on me. When she got a boyfriend when I was 15, I knew it was because she was lonely and I told her it’s ok. Guess what she said when I’m in a relationship with a girl, and that I loved her soul? That girl has a lot of trauma, leave her. I haven’t left her. For me, my girlfriend has always been my only comfort place. For her as well. I used to listen to everything to my mom said until I realised how manipulative and selfish she was, despite loving me. She doesn’t know how to love. I don’t hate her. I’m living in another country now for my studies and it helps. I put strict boundaries between us and still talk to her but it feels like I’m forever more of a mother than she is

[ryannesumbry]

I was a parentified child in every sense of the word!! I hated it I said yes when I wanted to say no, and because of that I still struggle to fully allow myself permission to be selfish and put myself first, I feel like I’m going to be this way forever

[sylviecellier]

Thank you for the reminder of being compassionate with oneself. Learning new patterns seems a forever work in progress and it’s easy to feel bad about that

[adeltunstall]

This has been me for as long as I can remember with my mother. Now that I can see that I have distanced myself from family drama. My mums trauma has led to her being afraid of my dad, to stand up for herself, and when I was younger I would allow her to use me as a scam goat because I was ( or thought I was) protecting her from my dads nasty words, not realising the life long affects its had on me and my struggles with myself. People pleasing, not meeting my needs, and being afraid to stick up for myself.

[ribbone]

i already knew that this is something that has happened to me and still does, yet i still started crying having someone talk about it and how to heal further

[pnartemizer]

I experienced parenting my mom ever since I can remember. I tried to fix my parents issues after they fight. And I suffered from helicopter parenting. I was always in a fight or flight mode. Luckily I researched a lot and started speaking up for myself and they started listening as I became more credible to them within years. I improved myself in a lot of ways, but I still am unable to talk to them about things that would upset them (like moving out with my fiancé) without getting really emotional or even crying. It turns into a drama show and I hate it.

[theartificialmetis]

I lived like this. I'm 51, ADHD, and OCD. I had to live my childhood through my dad. Only now things came crashing down. I didn't have a diagnosis until 2 weeks ago. My condition being unknown until now did a lot of damage mixed with my childhood.

[tamiecox]

This has been me my whole life taken care of me, my mom, dad and brother. At 52 I am still being my moms parent and working to change this in my therapy. It’s hard because I don’t know another way to be.

[Erinba]

I certainly feel like a therapist to my parents. Because I am so emotional intelligent, read and listen a lot about psychology and have completed a coaching course - I do feel a sense of responsibility to guide them and give them good advice - and I don’t want to make them feel bad but I do often say you know I am the daughter here so please respect that

[ProdigiousOne]

Whoa... this is what I lived through while I cared for my mother for eight years. I wish that I had had a therapist or consistent guidance the whole time. I think that I validated my mother's situation too much and I should have recognized how hard taking care of her was.