Narcissistic Family Beliefs That Caused Childhood Trauma

Discover 6 toxic beliefs commonly found in dysfunctional family systems. These are the harmful ideas that narcissistic, alcoholic, and codependent parents often instill in their children.

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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 10,000s of people heal from family dysfunction and become the true self they were never allowed to be. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he leverages 45 years of experience to help clients permanently break free from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a strong sense of self.

****DISCLAIMER: THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING. BE SURE TO CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL TO HELP YOU INTEGRATE AND UTILIZE THESE CONCEPTS.****

[jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇

[SuzkaMares]

This is so true. Toxic families will shame you and put you down for any and every 'life' mistake you make. Yet they make 0 effort to teach or support you in learning about how to live a good life. You end up parenting yourself.

[louisecampbell]

This is what I think about boundaries being violated by family. It says to me LOUD AND CLEAR!!..We own YOU!!

[adonaiel-rohi]

A lot of people have a sink or swim approach to parenting.
No preparation, they just toss their children into the deep end and shame them for flailing.

[helendayle]

3. "Shaming and fear gets things done/results." Wshew! I'm working through this in therapy-at age 51. All fear and shame has done for me is causing so much damage.

[cindymccafferty]

My take is that rules don’t apply to them. They are perfect and never make mistakes. You will never hear them say, “I was wrong.” There are no boundaries for them. They can dig through your things and not give you any privacy. Destroy your possessions if they want or give them away. It’s like acting, trying to make people in public think you are the perfect family. Nothing’s wrong.

[BudFuddlacker]

I’m overwhelmed just realizing this all now in my mid 40’s. I was shamed my entire childhood/teen/young adult life and still today. I’ve never been able to have any healthy friendships or romantic relationships or holding a job working with others. My parents never taught me ANY life skills, yet SHAMED me for anything and everything I’ve ever thought or done that didn’t line up with their exact way of thinking. I feel I’m reaching a breaking point, realizing how screwed up my family has been this entire time, and have no hope for the future

[adimeter]

My gf's and their mothers used to cook together. I never learned anything useful from my mother. Didn't learn to cook or clean but self taught after I was married and had moved out of HER house. Instinctively I knew to stay out of HER kitchen.

[josiah]

I wrestled with the religious "honor your parents" thing. Both my parents were narcissists. It took me decades, but I finally realized that if they did not at least try to uphold their biblical responsibilities, then I was under no obligation to treat them different from any non-believer. Do no harm, but have nothing to do with them.

[deena]

There was a lot of trauma in my childhood but I think it was even worse as an adult. My fault for not having these tools and I gave them the chance to do the right thing that they never did. I had a very triangling narccicistic mother. She turned every one in the family against me. And I mean EVERYONE. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, siblings my OWN children even. And the learnig curve thing. Spot on i wasnt allowed to have that. If I didnt learn on their terms and their time than I was immature.

[equalityforall]

Great advice. I really related to the first one: "Boundaries are for uncaring or cold families." That's certainly what I grew up feeling. It also really helped to hear your views on Honoring thy parents." I would love to hear more about parents' obligations to their children, because I never knew they had any. I never knew parents were even supposed to provide for their children. I was always worried about money growing up, and that worry has stayed with me through all stages of my life. (I'm now 75). I always felt I had to move fast because I had a very impatient narc father, but then I was always shamed by my mother for moving fast. I had to be both fast and accurate. Also, I'm so glad you came to the understanding that "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly." Otherwise, we wouldn't have these great tips!

[LR-yumx]

A malignant narc parent, one have to tip toe aronskelke them, because they cannot tolerate the slightest criticism

[ljo]

The last one was a big one in my family. I quit so many courses growing up because I struggled in some way or didn't get it right first time. My parents attitude was you can either do it or you can't, there was no room for learning or making mistakes.

[---kxxc]

anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.

[LR-yumx]

Many parents are not an example for their children.

[CritterHouseUSA]

One thing I find very frustrating is the lack of clear instructions in the Bible about treating your kids with respect. The only one I have ever been able to find is: “Do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4 NKJV). But even that just points back to the idea that the "kids" must follow the rules of God, which can still give parents the excuse to blame you for not following what they (supposedly) taught you. I'd love for someone to show some better examples. One of the Ten commandments should be: "Do not hurt your children, either with your voice or physically."

[finehowareyou]

one day i looked in the mirror and said "i'm not sure i am actually that bad"

[artis]

Thank you for the TRUTH!! You and the people who comment on these videos help me so much!!!! Shame is a lie and it is toxic!!!! We may make mistakes, but we are enough!!!!

[joshua]

Outstanding, Jerry. Thank you. These are dead-on excellent. Eileen

[matia]

"Don't air your dirty laundry"
It wasn't my dirt but I internalized the abuse.