Small Talk and Appearing Rude for Autistic People

Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. #ActuallyAutistic #orionkelly #autism #autismsigns #whatautismfeelslike #asd

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Orion Kelly is an #ActuallyAutistic vlogger (YouTuber), podcaster, radio host, actor, keynote speaker and Autistic advocate based in Australia. Orion is all about helping you increase your understanding, acceptance and appreciation of Autistic people.

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[robertkerr]

So true Orion. I love, even crave deep, meaningful discussions. And I cringe when im caught up in small talk. Thats when I get into trouble by bringing up my personal interests.😮

[michellebressette]

Being so seen it's painful. Thank you, Orion!

[JonathanVachon]

If i had the choice between watching a white wall and doing small talk, i would choose the wall lol

[elizabeths]

Hi. I still remember the first time that I was asked “are you ready for thanksgiving?” I was paralyzed. (Whatever in the wildest world did they 😳

[charrogate]

YES, absolutely Orion; a conversational 🕺💃 dance without knowing the 🩰 steps 😕

[JanGroh]

I've learned it's just another way people check each other out. It is a sort of dance - I ask inane question, and if you answer, it tells me you see and hear me, and are safe to engage with further.

It also tells me how easy or hard you are to engage. And if you are relatable.

It is a sizing up dance of sorts. Engaging in it is a great way to mask.

[starry]

" I crashed and died" 😂 I feel like an asshole saying lies for a joke, but other people don't laugh as hard when I do it 😥

[nnylasoR]

“I crashed and died.
……No, wait… that happened just now - right in front of you — thanks to this *“conversation.”* “

[spugintrntl]

I don't mind so much when coworkers talk about weather or traffic because I drive a lot and am often outside as part of my job, so it actually is useful information that affects me.

It's when they talk about sports and TV shows that I tend to go cross-eyed and look for the nearest exit.

[desertdarlene]

Small talk makes me want to pull my hair out. It's not that I don't get it. I see it as meaningless. I mean, if you ask me about the traffic, I might go into detail about something that happened while I was driving (which is probably not what people want to hear).

From what I understand, people do this ritual because it helps them feel comfortable. I had a coworker get really upset because I would just go straight into a subject matter rather than asking how people are or doing small talk. Yet, if I asked people how they were, they would just say "fine." So, what's the point of asking?

[heatherheaven]

I relate so much and everyone tells me I'm rude. I just don't get it, what's the point? But when I want to talk about something that actually matters and that I care deeply about no one wants to talk... so we only talk when there is no meaning or point? Why???

[stuartchapman]

I'm great at masking, I can hold a job down, just about, if I pick the right one (part time of course). I should be able to by now, 55yrs old. I still don't get the small talk, can't have a conversation with a stranger. I weird people out, or scare them even. Shared interest groups are the way forward. You have plenty to talk about, that makes sense and the conversations seem to have value.

[samsmith]

I HATE small talk and end up oversharing to avoid it! 🤦🏻‍♀️

[magicalsimmy]

I’m autistic and somehow learned to deal with small talk really well to the point where I’m really good at it. I think it’s a masking thing as a result of having a family who is obsessed with small talk, and my experience working in customer service. I don’t like it, I see the vapid pointlessness of talking about the weather or traffic, but people seem to take comfort in it for some reason. My mother also likes making small talk (gossiping) about the neighbours, and I honestly could care less about them because some of them are just not nice people.

I would honestly rather talk about deeper topics I care about and/or my interests, but learned very early on that a lot of people don’t like deep conversations, they would glaze over and saw me as weird. Lol! I just smile and make chit chat while on the inside, I’m all, “WHY DOES THIS MATTER?!” I kind of feel like an animal in a cage when engaged in small talk, and when it’s with a friend I see it as the BS I have to wade through before getting to a conversation topic I care about.

[ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

Lol!! 😂🤣🤣
Okay, that made me laugh! Because it's so true. I feel rude in just explaining these things to a neurotypical person, in fear that they will get the impression that I don't like anybody (when I actually have a great amount of love and respect for others. It's just that, some days I am too exhausted to put on my fake mask and act like a character in a play, rather than just relaxing and being myself. This makes social interactions SO exhausting, where I find that I can only listen to people talking for like 4 or 5 hours before I am completely mentally and emotionally drained! If they could imagine how irritating it feels to act like a character all day, everyday (such as being around people all day at work), then maybe they would understand how draining that is, and how it gets so old fast, which just makes it seem unpleasant and stressful.

[amandamandamands]

I used to work at Maccas and was told that I was really good at small talk with the customers. That was me in 'on' mode and it was a part of being on register. Even with that I still refused to ask someone how they are because that is just crap that no one actually wants to know the answer to and would manage to do the greetings in such a way that kept the bosses happy without me having to say that phrase.

[sarahjensen]

It’s the verbal equivalent of picking the bugs out of each other’s hair, or sniffing each other’s butts. It’s how humans pretend to be better than other animals while maintaining traditions at least as old as our mammalian line. 😂

[courtney]

What's more confusing to me is if I do have something actually remarkable to say about the weather or traffic or whatever people act super dismissive or just like i didn't speak at all🤦

[ThatOneGirlThatPlays]

I always used to think people were as genuine as I was when asking about how they felt today or how their weather was. World got a bit colder and darker when I realized what platitudes were.

[hannahbrown]

Ive got a few tabs in my rolodex of scripting to get through interactions like this, but its only marginally less exhausting.