Chris Voss's Tactical Empathy: 6 Reflective Listening Skills Combined

In this video I describe 6 reflective listening techniques you can combine to achieve what Chris Voss calls "tactical empathy."

The key to getting through difficult conversations is not being a better talker, but being a better listener.

This lesson was driven home to me recently when I was reading three different books about difficult conversations:

Each of them, at some point, recommends reflective listening as the key to getting through difficult conversations.

And they don't just recommend one reflective listening technique.

Instead, they recommend combining multiple techniques.

Because the power of these techniques is enhanced when you use them in combination.

In this video, I teach you how to combine 6 reflective listening techniques.

[sublyme]

Three minutes in I realized I wasn't paying attention, which reminded me of why I started watching in the first place. I'm a terrible listener. I'll just start the video over now...

[ronnieboy]

This really works. Im a hvac technician and I tried this technique . I up my sales from last year. This is how one of my sales went last week

Me walking in the house
Me:Hello, I'm here to service your furnace
Customer:Yes come in, excuse the mess in the house. I'm trying to remodel the house.
Me: Remodel the house? (Caring voice tone)
Customer: Yeah, I'm moving out and thinking about selling it or renting it out.The house was built in the early 1900s.
Me:Wow the early 1900s
Customer: Yeah the house is very old, I'm trying to upgrade everything to add value to the house.
Me: Sounds like you have alot of hard work to upgrade your house.
Customer:Yeah, I just got the floors done .

From me using mirrors and labels this is what I found out about the customer in just a 1 minute exchange
A)trying to remodel/upgrade house
B)house was built in the 1900s
C)wants to add value to sell or rent out house
D)she just got the floors done so I know she got the money or good credit .

Me being a hvac tech I noticed her furnace was very old but it was operating and she didn't have air conditioning. I used the information above to sell her a whole system.

Me: Hey, the reason your furnace wasn't working because it was a loose wire. The problem is fixed
Customer: Thank you very much
Me: And by the way your furnace is really outdated and very inefficient. You should start looking forward to upgrading in the future
Customer: Yeah your right, that will probably add value to the house
Me:Yes it will add value to the house because you will have a more efficient furnace and it will save on the gas bill. You said that you was going to rent the house out .The type of heating system you have is one of the first thing renters look at.Also I saw you don't have Air conditioning in the house. When you have a high efficient furnace with Air conditioning it will add tremendous value to the house.

Customer called back the next day and I got the sell. Guys this stuff really works. I didn't force sell, I didn't lie. I just built a rapport of the customer needs and wants.

[pwnmeisterage]

2:29 effective pauses (prompt them to continue speaking)
3:27 "minimal encouragers" (let them know you're listening, uh-huh, yeah, yep, mmhmm, etc)
4:24 mirror (repeat what was said in their words)
5:16 label (provide a name or descriptor to what they're saying)
6:27 paraphrase (rephrase what was said in your words)
7:10 summarize (prompt them to add or correct your understanding until the conversation concludes)

[at-last]

2:00
8:40 6 Techs
Open Ended Q + Pause 2:30
Min Encourager 3:30
Mirror 4:24
Label 5:21
Paraphrase
Summary

[clintwestwood]

Your channel is an absolute gold mine. I am in love with how you organize and present the information. I have always struggled with social skills and the technical, structured, precise formatting of everything you’re teaching us here is just… everything I could ever wish for. God bless your soul.

[anandkrishvvenkat]

Thanks a lot :)

Tactical Empathy

1. Effective pauses
2. Minimal Encouragers ( Hmm, Ok, Aha, Yeah..)
3. Mirroring ( Taking a last few words said to you and reflecting that )
4. Labeling ( naming people's feeling )
5. Paraphrase ( repeating back in your own words)
6. Summarize ( whole main point )


and,

5 Essential pharses for active / refective listening


1. You are..
2. It sounds like...
3. It seems like...
4. What I'm hearing is..
5. You seem to be saying that...

[skionen]

I got the book by Criss Voss Never split the difference and I gotta tell you everything your saying is spot on. Thanks for sharing

[renellegreen]

I'm a new grad student in Counseling Theory and wasn't clear on "reflective listening" and this was really helpful. Thank you!

[VooDooSue]

Very cool info. I have a tendency to offer advice without being asked. ☹ It comes from a good place of wanting to help but I can see it being annoying. The pause is extremely challenging. These are great tips. 🤓

[khadijabashir]

I'm a good listener, and I've recently found that I apply reflective listening methods without even realizing it; I frequently label people's emotions and also paraphrase, but I've learned today how to use them correctly and efficiently, so I'm hoping to be able to use them even better than before.

[baileycontreras]

I'm a real estate investor constantly in negotiations, keep these negotiation videos COMING!

[ArthurOfThePond]

I struggle to do all of these, but as I watched this video I was spending most of the time thinking about the people I know that do all these things so naturally. It's really amazing to me that some people are just instinctively good at conversations

[yardmasterswealtheducation]

I watched this video yesterday as part of my daily continuing education regime. I'm sitting down to enjoy sharing it with my wife because it was good!

[edselmosley]

Very powerful information. In todays society listening is more important than ever. We are all busy trying to accomplish our goals (business and personal), active listening can shorten the distance in building business relationships making the best use my time and more important help me understand how to better assist the customers we call on in the market-place etc....

Excellent!

[bettinawindy]

This video saved me like 90$ and 3 days from a masterclass, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

[angelfebus]

I completely understand the feedback he received about his use of what he termed minimal encouragers. As he began to advocate for its use as an empathetic listening tool I immediately thought of whenever a person who is supposedly listening to me or someone else speak starts with the hmm, yeah, huh, right, I’ve always found it rudely annoying.

[joannajohnson]

Effective communication is a lost art in a world that depends on texting, cell phones and everything but face to face conversations. The three parts of tactical empathy that I use daily is first, effective pauses after open ended questions, including minimul encouragers to continue them engaged and either paraphrase, summarize and or label. Since I read Chris Voss's book, I have been fascinated with communication again.

[manideepkumar]

superb its short and its useful in my company tcs learning portal they mandated this video to see as part of articulation improvement

[PracticalInspiration]

This was excellent to learn, really appreciate this Bruce

[theriflemanfan]

For 17 years, off and on, I employed active listening skills, in fact, all the ones you noted, Chris,  which I was taught prior to my association with Helpline, Lovelines and other Christian crisis counseling ministries.  Those skills were taught to a handful of us by a great teacher Skip Hunt, the author of "How Can I Help?" 

After years of listening to so many people with problems, as well as tiring of so many chronic callers who used our free counseling outreach to spill their guts out over and over again always about the same issues and without employing the first decision they agreed to adopt to deal with their feelings,  I chose I had enough. 

At the same time, active listening does help enormously when talking with friends and family who need to confide in someone, but be careful not to allow someone to use you as a personal emotional garbage disposal in a nonstop talkative fashion that is meant only for them to heap onto someone, anyone, their emotional refuge.  These folks don't want answers,  nor do they want to change in any way, and every time they see you, they will rush to continue their endless diatribe.