On Feminist Dating Fears and Adjusting My Romantic Expectations

Tweet Me: @KimberlyNFoster

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[Prospectandth]

As a single feminist I struggled with the fact that people were constantly saying I needed to cut myself down to make my husband feel like a man. That hurt. However I didn't settle either. In 2011 I met my husband and he wasn't quite with feminism but he had two qualities. 1. He listened to me. 2. He didn't dismiss me. I found these two qualities unique (unfortunately rare). I decided to continue date him if he was willing to learn. He meet me in grad school and encouraged my hopes and dreams. It wasn't always easy deconstructing the patriarchy we both had in us. But we made it. We have our struggles but we are equally ambitious and support each other's present. We don't see each other as one but two people who promised to sync love to our lives the best way we can.

[ArielLVT]

Totally agree! I was with an ambitious business owner who was attracted to me because I was career-oriented and ambitious... yet expected me to be okay with him having to move to Europe for a year for his job and account for it by sacrificing my own dreams. Eeeehhh.... he was one of those guys who wanted it all. He wanted me to be ambitious and career-oriented yet sacrifice my dreams to accommodate his.

[msnnbc]

                 Both of my parents work really hard in their careers, and they are both leaders in child rearing. Sometimes my mom cooks, and sometimes my dad cooks. My dad used to take us places and do things with/for us, while my mom was away being a leader in the nursing field. Other times, my mom would do the childcare work. My dad does practically ALL the cleaning (or directing children to help) in the house because that's just what he likes to do. He wants the house immaculately clean, and therefore he is the leader in making that happen. He also does the laundry and ironing of clothes, every Sunday morning because that's what he likes to do. I think it's totally possible. Make no mistake, my mom is VERY articulate about my dad doing his fair share of husband work (sometimes to the point of not appreciating what he does).
                   Obviously, women do have to bear children, and thus they manage a big part of physical labor of childcare for the first 2 yrs or so (if you include pregnancy and infancy of newborn), but men CAN do equal work. It's all in the mindset of the couple. I think you look at it the right way by being patient and finding a man who already believes in the same things you believe in.

[SCHMIELSHOW]

I don't believe the idea that there isn't room for two geniuses in a relationship. But I do think it does bring a high price with it. It could mean having to settle on having a long distance relationship for extended periods if you have career opportunities in different cities. It might mean having to rely on day cares and nannies to help care for children while you're both working. Sharing responsibility for housework might just mean the home is simply going to have to be messy if neither of ya'll have the time to take care of it. On the bright side, with two high incomes, services like maids and day care workers or even frequent plane tickets should be affordable.

[michellewatson]

I totally agree! I even tried to step back and be super submissive and I felt like I would have a heart attack.

[ShanetdennisLMFT]

Marriage is a selfless union. It takes heavy consideration and you seem to be doing your due diligence. I have found that supporting each other in all decisions, putting each other first, and exercising open communication works out the kinks. People grow and change. You might marry your equal and 5 years later he has other interests that shifts the trajectory of the relationship. The same goes for women. If each person is flexible in allowing their partner to "be" I believe marriage could be beautifully fulfilling. There shouldn't be a power struggle, but a planning session to figure out how each person can catch their dreams in this new setting. In a marriage you gotta ride the waves like a surfboard. Compromise doesn't always equate to sacrifice. However, if you don't see yourself as willing to be flexible, then it's probably not the best time to make such a commitment. Again, it's my belief that without the previously stated three elements; there will be problems no matter what type of guy a woman chooses.

[radicalmuslim]

I respect her wants because she is not delusional. She knows that you cannot find an ALPHA male who will meet the cooking, cleaning let's be 50/50. Every feminist i know is in a relationship with a beta male. And likewise for me i know i would not have found a submissive, traditional woman without the alpha male personality and resources.

[BkScorpio]

This is what scares me so much about marriage. I can't just sit back and be submissive in the home or outside the home to prove a point to a man or the world that my husband is "the man". Maybe this makes me less dateable, who knows? I understand marriage is give and take and by no means do I intend on intentionally stripping a man of his own masculinity. But I do feel men need a redefinition of their masculinity to accommodate the construct of feminism. You just can't expect women in 2014/2015 to take on these old ideals ✋✋ Its not happening (well at least not with me). It's hard out here for us black women in this dating/marriage department ::Long sigh:: #BaelessForever 😔 😭

[adriarchy]

Oh yeah, getting pregnant early, married and stuck in that unequal partnership was like one of my traumas when I was a little kid. I played pretend like what's sex drive? What is that? Kind of thing in high school and like all of my family just looked miserable to me and the ladies wouldn't hold back when pointing out all the things that failed them (including their husbands) but that's about as far as it went and nothing fundamentally changed for them! And I just know that I wouldn't make it. I think it was a damn good preservationist instinct cause I've got bad chronic fatigue so that kind of heavy lifting would have done me in. Oh god was I scared lol

[mckeewardiv]

You can help who you love. Women most certainly have that agency!

[freshprogressbeauty]

My problem is that i like boys in theory but not in practice so if i see a cute boy i’m like “damn i would” but when faced with actually dating one i’m just like “nah.”  The think it  is imp. to share the vital things that you value concerning the responsibility of being loved, also for the kids issues, you can add a clause in the prenup, that requires that. Also what are you're thoughts on the politics of attraction? Blk women cis seen as lesser than others. Also I think you should look into the concept of decolonial love, it pretty amazing.

[TamR]

I have had this discussion with friends... The feminist in me refused to agree with friend's who suggested that I will have to step back in order to allow the man to be the successful partner. I think it is possible to both be ambitious. 'Power couples' exist, I think the key is, not being in the same career field, so there's not sense to competition. I think you run the risk of resenting your partner if you compromise.

[SearchCherise]

It's hard out here for us ambitious black women! 
But honestly, God has a plan! & He will make a way! ( : 

[freshprogressbeauty]

Another great video! I was waiting!!! Also whats your lip color, I love it

[NickiBluIs]

This is an excellent video! I'm in about the same boat as you and have the same concern BUT came to a completely different conclusion. I am very keen that whoever my partner be have a passion an ambition. I don't think there's only room for "1 genius"; rather I think 2 geniuses can inspire, motivate and encourage each other. I honestly want to live that power couple life-- I'm rocking in my industry, he's rocking in his, we come home and drink to our success, lol. I think part of the reason I can envision this, though, is because (at this time--like you said I could change my mind tomorrow) I'm not interested in having children. There's so much I want to do that I legit can't imagine having the time to raise another human. Can't wait to see what other ppl think!

[daenerysbaegaryen]

Thank you very much for addressing this topic! Per usual, I thoroughly enjoyed hearing your thoughts! 

I'm 25 and have been asking myself these same questions as of late. I do not want to have children, so my worries may be slightly different. However, redefining the type of masculinity I'll accept in a male partner has been a struggle of mine as of late. I am attracted to the "alpha male" type but I'm definitely not a submissive person. 

For a childless couple, I don't see why one person would have to give up their dreams/ambitions for the sake of the relationship. Obviously for a couple with children, that may present more challenges but I don't see why it can't be done. How one goes about seeking those ambitions may have to be altered but the end goal doesn't have to change. Thats just my opinion though. 

I loved the point you made about not wanting to raise a child in a home with the idea that dreams have to be abandoned for family life. I'm definitely going to check out that book you mentioned! 

Lastly, I don't know how relevant this is to the video, but could/should a partner even be considered if they don't share your feminist or womanist politics? 

@SeauxICreep on Twitter. 

[nestorfontalvo]

Life is short and too complicated. Lets get busy

[gzngcfc]

Based on this video and reading some of these comments. You might as well downgrade and settle for a beta male or date women exclusively. Good luck

[LukeReed]

I don't think you should be worried - but I do think you should be permanently single. Seriously, any man who dates you should see this video, it will open their eyes.

[MakaykayLAMB]

Kim, how did you get rid of your gap? Did you have braces? Asking because i too have a gap. And your teeth are GORGEOUS.