Reactive Abuse Explained: Why You're NOT The Narcissist

After a relationship with a narcissist (especially a covert narcissist), most people ask the question "Am I the narcissist?" In this video, I break down why that is and how the actual narcissist creates an environment to make you question yourself. Sadly, because of reactive abuse and the narcissist's smear campaign, others may question it too.

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*In this video, I share the tips, techniques and insights that have worked for me in my own journey of healing after narcissistic abuse along with expert tips and tools I've learned through years of coaching narcissistic abuse survivors. I am not a therapist and this video is not meant to provide therapy of any form. #narcissist #covertnarcissist

[NSEasternShoreChemist]

Signs it's reactive abuse:
1) You feel guilty for the way you behaved after the fact.
2) The other person knowingly set you off.
3) You're not abusive to other people.

[musicandpoetry_]

“Don’t wrestle with a pig in the mud, you both get dirty and the pig likes it” 💯

[manoncote]

We shouldn't call it reactive "abuse", but self-defense. The words are very important.

[becsmckay]

Wow I was just accused by my narcissist of being the narcissist. I have been worried all week that he was right. Look at all the crazy stuff I did. But now I know I’m not the narcissist. Thank you 🙏

[rosettesionne]

The problem with reactive abuse is that even narcissistic people who abuse you will also say that they reacted to your abuse or that you also provoqued them. So that makes it difficult to identify the real victim and the real abuser

[pandymaz]

My dad is a pro at triggering this. Thankfully I learned in my 20's how to not fall for it anymore but it has left me lonely bc he convinced my entire family of his lies and I wasn't ever allowed to tell my side of the story. Such is life.

[mattrandall]

I am a victim of reactive abuse. Although the instigator has been convincing everyone that I am the abusive person. I even got called a liar last night by someone close to the instigator, even after showing him a video and explaining what was going on in it. Because I was reacting...and "winning", I was the abusive party. so nauseating.

[EMVelez]

I don’t feel guilty for fighting back. No one should. If you’ve been constantly abused by someone, you have the right to protect yourself.

[katerk]

My ex is a narcissist and has even admitted to being one. He triggers me and I come back with reactive abuse and I can’t stand it. It’s not me, but I’m tired of it. He doesn’t understand this. I finally feel validated in how I’ve been feeling.

[gigihurley]

My husband asked me to come out to dinner, I drove my car there, sat down, and I asked a question. He started hollering at me in the restaurant, I got up and walked out of the restaurant. Without saying a word.

[jl]

I used to get so aggravated. “ Oh, you’re the one being rude, I’m talking in a calm tone of voice.” That was a long time ago. I don’t even respond. I get the “ Why are you being rude and ignoring me? I didn’t say or do anything to deserve that.” I used to calmly and shortly explain why when I knew they darn well knew why. On New Year’s Day 2023 a family game night. At the table “joking insults” were thrown right and left . Coming from all sides. It wasn’t even sarcastic humor, they were words deliberately meant to get a reaction. When I didn’t respond or react they went to my nephew sitting next to me. I could tell he was starting to crumble. His big sister stepped in and says why are you all being so passive aggressive? “ I was shocked I didn’t realize she’d taken my advice earlier this year and looked it up. Needless to say, the joking insults stopped. No apology. They went on playing the board game as if nothing happened those past 10 minutes. I’m proud I didn’t react . I’m proud my nephew didn’t and that my niece called out their bs.

[justinescully]

Thank you! You just described 17 years of my marriage and now 9 years of "co-parenting". It is awful and much more heartbreaking to feel the helplessness in trying to protect your children from these abusers.

[VRSWGN]

Thank you for going into reactive abuse more. I always felt like I was the abusive one for reacting to the things my ex would do to hurt or minimize me. Especially knowing that she never felt bad or took accountability for the things she did as well as her telling other people the things I did but never what she did to elicit my response. I know in the end, that was my fault exploding like I did and I still, almost a year later, feel guilty for the way I reacted. It took 2 years of her emotionally and mentally abusing me for me to reach that breaking point. I truly feel that even the healthiest of people would break when subjected to that mindf*ck on a weekly basis like I was

[AngelliaHelmick]

I questioned my self and my intentions for so long. I felt so awful and bad, I don't normally break other people's DVD's and tell others they are dead me. I don't treat others that way. 😢 But yeah they wanted that because it made them look inoccent. I tried to help and help and help that person over and over and over again, and they just treated me like garbage everytime. And I adored them and I don't know why.

[sksea]

Reactive abuse can also come from 'friends' or 'friend group'. After all these years i finally found the term used for it. They push exactly the right buttons to set you off, then you lash out and they remain silent. It always ends up looking like you're the one with the problem. Thank you for this video.🙏🏼

[kieranmaher]

She got upset when I stopped apologising for being upset and demonstrated I had no more patience for her behaviours and attitudes. She called this abuse and manipulated situations for a couple of months. I’m still thinking through everything, especially with family court for the child vastly approaching, I know I’m not an abuser, but her victim mentality seems so believable through her extreme and dramatic reactions.

[shenwishes]

It was months of her being the sweetest person to me in private, telling me she likes me, and then ignoring me in public while being nice to everyone else. I confronted her about it in a way I regret. I didn't insult her or anything but I was very direct and cold. This then evolved into a phase where she continued to gaslight me.

I broke things off completely and I feel free. It will take time to heal, but I am glad I experienced all of this because it made me into a better person

[fettbub]

Yup. I was not only the bullied kid at school, had it at home too.
Standing up for yourself is right, sometimes the only way to stop an abuser is to hit them back. Fighting back is a natural response, ask any living animal.

[newgotham]

Ty, I struggle with the question most days.

[NarcissisttalksWithKaye]

The narcissist wants to push you to that “Reactive” state. I was ignoring a narcissist that was having a temper tantrum, and because I didn’t respond they kept saying “DO YOU HEAR ME!??!
They wouldn’t stop yelling until I said “Yes”.