Managing Emotional Flashbacks Using Pete Walker's 13 Steps

[amandawitman]

Also, in case it's helpful to anyone else, I reworked the 13 points as "things to say to myself during a flashback" (a little more practical/concise than Pete's list, easier for my inner child to access when I'm activated):

1. I am having a flashback. It will pass.
2. I feel afraid, but I am not in danger. I am safe now, here in the present. I am an adult, so I can keep myself safe. Remind me, how do I know I am an adult?
3. I am free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior. I need and have a right to boundaries. I can turn anger into self-protection. What does that look like right now?
4. I love my inner child unconditionally. I can comfort and protect myself when I feel scared. What do comfort and protection feel like?
5. I can imagine a safer future. When this flashback passes, I will feel safer. How soon can I see that happening? What will that be like?
6. I am in an adult body. I have allies, skills and resources to protect me that I never had as a child. What are some adult resources that could help me right now?
7. I can ease back into my body. I can slow down, gently relax, unwind, breathe deeply and slowly. I can feel the fear in my body without reacting to it. Fear is just energy in my body that cannot hurt me if I don’t engage with it. What does it feel like to not engage with fear?
8. I will not drasticize or catastrophize. I do not need to exaggerate danger or control the uncontrollable. I can replace negative thinking with a reminder of my qualities and accomplishments. What are the facts about the situation and about me?
9. I can grieve by releasing old feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and validating and soothing past feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. I can have self-compassion and allow my feelings to be and evolve. What am I feeling right now?
10. I have cultivated safe relationships and I can seek support from them. Feeling shame doesn’t mean I am shameful. What does it feel like when I am affirmed by a secure friend? Would it help to reach out to them right now?
11. I can practice preventive maintenance by avoiding unsafe people, places, activities and mental processes to forestall triggering experiences. This is how I keep myself safe. Are there any boundaries or actions that would be helpful to prevent this from happening again?
12. I am grateful for my self-awareness. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate, and heal my wounds. What am I flashing back to? What can I learn from this opportunity?
13. I have patience with this process as I move through these steps. I am returning to a calm, un-adrenalized state of ease and a strong sense of connection with the present.

[ewetoob]

I'm forever grateful to Reddit for making me aware of Pete Walker's book, and I put a shortcut on my phone screen to the emotional flashback list and some other key reminders so that I can open it easily when I need to. I try to make it so easy for myself to access it so I don't forget while I'm being hijacked by a flashback. It's a lifesaver.

[FreedomForever]

My daughter bought each of us a copy of Pete Walkers book, I got to maybe Chapter 2. I think it is the chapter about being treated w/ contempt, unbeknownst to me I had an emotional flashback, something that occurred w/ my mother decades ago. I was a young adult at the time, not a child but realized I & my siblings have been treated with contempt by our mother our whole lives. It was through reading this I was able to label and understand for the first time she was contemptuous of us & still is. The realization that I was experiencing contempt from my own mother sent me reeling. I knew she was mean, cruel & self-absorbed... but never recognized contempt. What had we ever done to deserve that!? I put the book away, I couldn't look at it for months. I finally opened it again but just couldn't. In a fit of rage & pain I finally threw the book in the bag for the secondhand store thinking I am sick of being the only one seeking help & understanding, let the other dysfunctional ones in the family read this damn book... I regret it, I will now have to purchase of another copy for myself. But I did learn what an emotional flashback was, now I know.

[isaacstamper]

Your channel is a lifesaver. Your energy is intoxicating!!

[thequietinside]

These steps are by far the best help I've found to get me through an emotional flashback. And I think that's because it's not something generic to help you "calm down." It's actually directly addressing the problem. Most therapists don't even understand the root of what's going on and how to help a client through it. Thank goodness for Pete Walker.

[v.o.e]

Thank you for the advice, the book is really an eye-opener. I'm at about 40%, but I already had a lot of discoveries. I think the most important sentence for me so far was: "Drasticizing and catastrophizing are critic processes that lead the child to constantly rehearse fearful scenarios in a vain attempt to prepare himself for the worst." I did this my whole life... so do my parents so no suprises there...

[TomNylund-jo]

Heidi, I have listened to many of your posts. YOU HAVE TRULY FOUND YOUR GIFT. Thank you so much. You are making a big difference in my life.

[monticae]

Wow you described it so well. “Almost like you’re going to die unless you sort this problem out now… so you feel as if your partner is about to abandon you ….you feel like you’re getting smothered and are forced to commit to something you’re not ready for… when your flashing back emotionally to a Time in your childhood when you did not have power or control, or the resources to get yourself out of the problem that you’re facing and you are reacting in that current environment as though you were that powerless child, it is time to get yourself out of that flashback” that is groundbreaking for me thank you so much!!

[neelapatel]

Heidi Priebe and Pete Walker all in one video.... yay! 2 of my top light workers who have shone the light on a very dark childhood and clearly shown me the way foward. Thank you!

[frappalina]

Watching the first minutes of this video sent me directly to an emotional flashback. Talking about cptsd usually does that to me. I try to avoid the topic completely and to rationalize what happened to me (the verbal, emotional and physical abuse i went through for 20 years, that for many years i thought was normal). I am in therapy which helps me immensely but every time I am just trying to rationalize and understand. I'm trying to avoid the triggers. If someone shows even the slightest anger at me i get teary-eyed (if they are right) or very angry (if i feel they are wrong). I grew up with the knowledge that anger is dangerous. When my father would get angry (and he would very often) he would hit us or threaten us. He was very unpredictable and often drunk. It was incredibly important not to make him angry... but he would get angry for any tiny mistake. Sometimes he would create the mistakes in order to be able to lash out. They were scary years. I saw things i should not have seen, i lived through things i should not have experienced. I survived but i carry this enormous baggage that tainted every aspect of my life. I know in my mind that i am worthy of love and respect but somehow I can't feel it. I always felt that i am too damaged to be able to conduct a healthy relationship so i had relationships only with other broken people (addicts, people with severe mental illness, people who didn't yet figure out their sexual orientation) that i end up try to fix and then fail and leave them, or with extremely avoidant people (i felt that i didn't deserve them and they were doing me a favor in being with me, so i stayed way too long past the expiration date). Now at 41 after 2 years in therapy i am for the first time in a healthy relationship with a secure person and this makes all the difference. I'm healing but healing is not as linear and easy as i imagined. It will take years. I don't know if my baggage will taint this relationship but for once, i am not incredibly afraid and have the instinct to run away. I know that i have a beautiful heart inside of all this and that i am donating it to him, and i know that i am doing my best with the instruments i have right now. I know that there was a damage but it is not my fault. I am an ok Person... I am doing my absolute best... And i deserve this kind of secure love... And he is not here to save me... I can live without him... I am healing i am working on me and i am navigating this unknown sensation that is to feel safe with someone

[mequable]

This video needs "Cptsd" in the title for easier search. Thanks to it (thank you!) I'm currently reading the book and it's really great, beautifully written and with a lot of compassion. And filled with resources too. Amazing read, marvelling at the fact that someone wrote such a comprehensive piece of work.

One thing I wanted to mention is that Cptsd is a severe condition from acute childhood trauma, and the book is naturally oriented towards those who have had a really bad childhood, most often including bad parenting. At the same time, many of us with milder childhood trauma still benefit from the book, because the system and the flashbacks are the same in nature, just milder in one way or another.

However, I kind of feel guilty for reading the book, I must admit. My childhood was mostly "good enough parenting", although I lost my father at six and my mother probably got into years long depression and never had a relationship after that. (Suspecting "something" happened before that death too, tho I have very few memories.) But compared to some of the people mentioned in the book, I feel like my trauma is insignificant or, sort of kind of I shouldn't even read about more severe cases because they are so much more serious compared to my ordinary freeze responses to relating to others for example. Just wanted to share that.

[TheMegaross]

Being alone tends to trigger my flashbacks since the underlying cause involves heavy amounts of abandonment and isolation. Some of which was self imposed in later life.

I'm still trying to work out how to be ok, living alone means triggers are inevitable eventually. You can't go out and see people every night, especially not when most of your friends have kids now.

[CurtisMoe]

I read probably 20 books on the topic, many really good and helpful, before Pete's book. But Pete's book took the #1 Most Helpful Book spot for me before I even got to Chapter 3.
Listened to it twice in a row, then had to buy the paperback so I could underline stuff.

[LazarusFeels]

@Heidi, whenever I am stuck in situations, I often scroll through your videos collection, to help me find a video that If eel may apply to me at that time, to unblock my thought process. Today, it was this video that helped. So grateful!

[KaylaJo]

Oh my gosh. I've been having emotional flashbacks and had no idea that's what they were! Thank you so much for describing them- knowing this is like I just bought a new coat to warm me up when it gets cold on my healing journey.

[robbind]

Thank you so much for this Heidi! As much as I appreciate these super helpful steps, I appreciate, even more, that you share your personal experience with us. It reminds me that I'm not alone. Love your channel. ❤

[IndigoFire]

Thank you… finally understanding what is happening to me… it takes me hours or days to get back to normal… I can’t think at all. Totally fuzzed out and highly frozen!

[astridhanl]

This is the 2.time I am watching this after allowing myself to completely grieve in an emotional flashback... So after giving myself space first and after that doing the steps with the video. And it helps much. It calms me down soooo much and takes my fear! Thank you so much for this video! I'll do this again and again

[MostlyCloudy]

I've been letting my emotional flashbacks that happen as a result of a situation I find myself in, inform where my boundaries (where I used to have NONE) should be. My (previous) absolute lack of boundaries has been the biggest issue and main reason for re-traumatizing myself.

[chocolate]

I have this book and it is one of the best I read for emotional health and healing work. The 13 steps are so good helping me out of the flashback.