Dr. Paul Conti: How to Build and Maintain Healthy Relationships | Huberman Lab Guest Series

This is episode 3 of a 4-part special series on mental health with Dr. Paul Conti, M.D., a psychiatrist who did his medical training at Stanford School of Medicine and residency at Harvard Medical School. He is the author of the book, “Trauma: The Invisible Epidemic.” Dr. Conti explains how to find, develop and strengthen healthy relationships — including romantic relationships, work and colleague relationships, and friendships. He explains a roadmap of the conscious and unconscious mind that can allow anyone to navigate conflicts better and set healthy boundaries in relationships. We also discuss common features of unhealthy relationships and clinically supported tools for dealing with relationship insecurity, excessive anxiety, past traumas, manipulation and abuse. Dr. Conti explains how, in healthy relationships, there emerges a dynamic of the mutually generative “us” and how to continually improve that dynamic. The next episode in this special series explores true self-care, which can be cultivated through a process of building self-awareness along with other important practices.

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Timestamps
00:00:00 Build Healthy Relationships
00:02:04 Sponsors: BetterHelp & Waking Up
00:05:01 Healthiest Self in Relationships
00:10:51 Structure & Function of Self
00:15:44 Relationships, Levels of Emergence
00:22:48 Generative Drive in Relationships
00:35:00 Sponsor: AG1
00:36:26 Generative Drive, Aggressive Drive, Pleasure Drive
00:45:16 Romantic Relationships & Matched Generative Drives, Trauma Bonds
00:53:05 Generative Drive Expression, Libido, Giving & Taking
01:04:29 Sponsor: Eight Sleep
01:05:50 Generative Drive in Partnerships
01:11:16 Libido, Avoidance & Working through Barriers
01:18:02 Repeating Bad Relationship Patterns, Repetition Compulsion
01:29:23 Narcissism, Dependence, Attachment Insecurity
01:34:10 Abusive Relationships, Demoralization
01:39:37 Oppressors, Darkness, Hope & Change
01:48:08 Work Relationships, Oppression & Accountability
01:53:53 Jealousy vs. Envy, Narcissism
01:59:13 Power Dynamics in Relationships
02:05:54 Giving vs. Taking in Relationships
02:09:39 Transactions & Relationships; Family & Generative Drive; Flexibility
02:19:47 Relationships & Kindergarten
02:23:04 Anxiety in Relationships, Communication
02:31:32 The “Magic Bridge of the Us”
02:37:09 Mentalization, Getting into Another’s Mindset; Navigating Conflict
02:46:51 Healthy Boundaries
02:52:08 Self-Awareness, Mentalization
02:55:28 “Broken Compass” & Self Inquiry, “Map” Analogy
03:02:25 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube Feedback, Spotify & Apple Reviews, Sponsors, Social Media, Momentous, Neural Network Newsletter

The Huberman Lab podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of medicine, nursing or other professional health care services, including the giving of medical advice, and no doctor/patient relationship is formed. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast is at the user’s own risk. The content of this podcast is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their health care professionals for any such conditions.

[PrettyTasha-kq]

Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.

[miabdin]

Imagine the world if they had these sort of discussions in schools...thank you both for taking the time to share this valuable information!

[VeronicaNicole]

There’s something about the way dr. Conti speaks that’s so incredibly calm, reassuring and caring. I just love these discussions. They are so valuable!!! Thank you 💞

[me]

There is one nugget of advice which I was given not too long ago, which actually caused me to transfer PhD programs: "Don't work for someone you don't want to become." I want to be a professor, and my former supervisor's attitude towards research, teaching, and academia as a whole were absolutely antithetical to everything I believe. As prestigious as the position was, I could never produce anything I'd be proud of in that environment. So I'm restarting my PhD in the spring, under a supervisor whose values more closely align with mine. My example is specifically academic, but I'm sure this is true in industry as well.

[sirawsome]

Dr. Conti and Dr. Huberman are a blessing to the world!

[prmft]

One thing that is becoming abundantly clear in these discussions is what truly good men you both are. Refreshing and so needed in our world.

[brianajane]

Appreciate this episode so much. I love the idea of being with someone who wants to grow and heal with you—it suggests one does not need to be wholly and completely healed before they can be in a relationship—on the contrary—together you can bring great value to one another’s lives. I sent this to my 20 something nieces and feel it could save them a lot of grief.☺️ I can’t believe the wisdom and knowledge your podcast provides is free. Grateful to support this show.

[JacCichockiOfficial]

Dr. Huberman, could you *please* do an episode on memory degeneration with age including Alzheimer's and dementia? I'm looking to understand and help my grandmother who just had her 90th birthday. Love your podcast! Thank you for all of your brilliant teaching!

[RockyoLP]

You two are truly a gift to humanity, I always admire the sheer amount of wisdom delivered through your podcast episodes, especially in this four-part series. It's literally a life-hack to know Andrew Huberman and follow his/their advice.

[MonicaLopez-seme]

Paul Conti is incredibly skilled communicator, really wise, soo helpful, with such a clear mind and wealth of practical knowledge and also a really beautiful soul who is always guiding with his explanations to wholeness and love. Andrew Huberman is sooo good asking questions and leading the conversation and also always speaking really masterfully to get the wisdom of Paul Conti and share it with all of us. Is such a satisfying experience to watch 2 men speaking in such a deep and healthy way about relationships. Thank you to both of you for your incredibly valuable contribution to humanity.

[jdk]

"Do something cognitively challanging for at least 30 minutes each morning" from episode one. And i love it.
Episode one was phenomenal with such amazing key tips and reminders on the simple pillars of wellbeing we seem to forget sometimes. Cannot wait to listen to this one and see what i get from it. The last one completely redirected my mind back toward settingvnew goals for Uni next year and to contirubuted some excellent things to my morning routine-setting. An overall goal for this year has been to build my personal agency.
Very excited for this one ❤

[zohaln]

oof each episode gets better and better! I wish more people would watch this series, the world would be better for it. Thank you both!

[YourWingmam]

Love these conversations! Thank you for introducing Dr. Conti to those of us who were unfamiliar with him. I’m reading his book, Trauma. I highly recommend it for those who are ready, willing, and able to face the trauma they experienced, and anyone with a loved one who’s experienced trauma.

[DWBincharleston]

I can’t tell you how much this series has added to my life. Thank you for all of your time and effort. It mean so much !

[rashmitulsyan]

Paul Conti is like a Buddha he has so much pain in his face like dripping with Empathy and so much understanding, ,,,truly beautiful soul. Andrew is the dude bringing us these brilliant people and directing /asking the right questions. Thank you both!

[AwareParenting]

This series is gold. A whole new level of knowing that I don't really know myself and a deepening of my desire to know myself better. Huge thanks Paul and Andrew and team.

[DanielKrikun]

Requests to Prof. Huberman:
1. Please do an episode on dreams, day-dreaming and, especially so, lucid dreaming
2. Is there any known benefit to weighted blankets for sleep, any specific info on how to use them?
3. A lot of people have asked this in other places, but how to deal with early waking up: should we push ourselves into trying to get back to sleep, should we wake up kinda slowly easy going till the natural sun light, or go all-in on coffee, cold water etc. to start the day?

[Spinks]

Brilliant work by Dr. Conti. Something that doesn’t get recognized enough, is how great a listener Andrew is.

[JohnHoffmann-qwwg]

Monumental “Thanks Y’all” to Andrew, Paul and those behind the curtains. I’ve been suffering from depression, anxiety and ADHD for over a decade. Over-suffering from over-diagnoses in all likelihood. Your series has shown me ways I can be healthy and how in some aspects already healthy. I’ve been living with a twisted ignorance about mental health and mental illnesses. The long-format nature helps me understand Paul’s wisdom and better question my beliefs about health/pathologies/self. That the discussion kept returning to agency and gratitude showed me they are pivotal in Paul’s framework. And it let me apprehend many nuances in the value of his framework. The two visuals/downloads are very useful to me.

Please try to find a historian who can speak to theories about mental healthiness throughout the ages and in different cultures (including behind the iron curtain). Not about mental illness, but what they thought was healthy.

I’m fed up with pathologies. What’s the point in understating anything about what’s unhealthy if I don’t know what it means to be healthy?

[snowvantures]

First of all I want to thank you and your team for the incredible service you bring to society.
What Dr. Conti said around minute 37:30 about being healthy and wanting the people around us to be also healthy, really resonates with me. But that becomes a struggle when it comes to the family you have from birth, because they might have an "unhealthy" life, and it really hurts to see that.