Alain De Botton: Why Status is Making You Miserable & Why Parents Want Their Kids to Fail | E1227

Alain De Botton is one of the greatest philosophers of our time. His work has had a profound impact on me more than any other. I have wanted to do this episode for the last 8 years.
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Timestamps:

(00:00) Intro
(00:53) Understanding Status & Our Desire for It
(08:48) Should Leaders Project Confidence When Uncertain?
(10:18) Is it Bad To Be Status Driven?
(13:34) Do Parents Have a Duty to Temper Unrealistic Ambitions?
(16:32) A Term ‘Loser’ in Society Today
(18:53) Luck vs. Skill
(21:16) Why Would a Parent Be Unhappy with Their Child’s Success?
(23:34) Thoughts on Meritocracy in Today’s Society
(27:25) The Role of Religion Today
(31:22) What Makes Work Meaningful
(39:57) “Do What You’re Good At, Cause It’s Too Hard To Know What You Love”
(45:38) Thoughts on Remote Work
(49:20) Should You Bring Your Full Self to Work?
(53:08) Hiring Your Family Member
(54:31) Capitalism’s Role in The Modern World
(01:01:48) Can Everyone Be an Entrepreneur?
(01:03:19) Quick-Fire Round
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In Today’s Episode with Alain De Botton We Discuss:

1. Why Status is Making You Miserable:
Why are we richer yet more anxious than ever?
What is the right way to define status? Why do we want it so much?
Is it bad to want status? What are some non-obvious signs that you are seeking status when you do not realise it?
Does social media enhance the desire for status? How so?
Do the happiest people want status the least? What are Alain’s biggest observations in how truly happy people think about status?

2. Why Parents Want You To Fail:
Why is the sign of good parenting when your child does not want to be famous?
Why do your parents sometimes want you to fail?
What should parents do if their child wants to chase an unachievable goal?
Why should parents encourage their children to start very early?

3. Why Meritocracy is a Fallacy & Meaningful Work:
Why does Alain believe a true meritocracy is an impossible dream?
Why is meritocracy a bad thing when taken to the extreme?
Why does Alain believe that companies are not families?
Why does Alain tell people that they should not bring their full selves to work?

4. WTF is “Meaningful Work”:
What does it mean to do “meaningful work”?
Why do humans need to do “meaningful work” today in a way that we did not many years ago?
What are Alain’s biggest pieces of advice to young people today, unsure of what they should do with their lives and careers?
Why does Alain believe the idea of a “calling” is BS?

5. Ambition, Achievement and Sacrifice:
What does Alain mean when he says “you have to tolerate your own averageness”?
What does Alain say to the young generation who want work/life balance?
What does Alain mean when he said you “cannot be at war with yourself”?
Does Alain agree that to achieve you must sacrifice?
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#20vc #harrystebbings #alaindebotton #selfdevelopment #selfawareness #psychology #parenting #status #meritocracy

[vishimishra]

Alain D B's ideas on 'pessimism', 'loneliness', 'sadness', and now 'superficiality' and 'capitalism', amongst others have really transformed my perspective on how to live life. Adopting his ideas have added more meaning, and reduced a lot of unnecessary suffering in my life. I'm deeply grateful to him, and continue to be fascinated and inspired by his teachings. ❤🎉

[nnn-prvr]

It took me too long to realise how motivated most people are by jealousy and that there are people like me who are less motivated by jealousy and how to tell the 2 apart.

I find that people who are more motivated by internal ideals and less by competition with others are a treasure.

[annporter]

My favoirte line in this entire interview was when Alain said “I dont think you should bring your full self anywhere” 49.33. 😂 I love this guy

[elizabethk]

Alain, once again you've not disappointed. Thank you! As a 77 year-old retired Social Worker, (who has had a career in the 'helping field'), you still give me 'food for thought.'

[gregcharles]

Alain is considerably one of the most thoughtful human beings on the planet in this field. His work on adult emotional education with The School of Life changed my early life.

I watch 20VC regularly and I think it’s important for founders (and this audience, generally) to have broader context on varying forms of an approach to life that might produce measurably more mental peace (as opposed to grinding our way out).

Thanks for this! Long time viewer

- Greg

[terryhutchings]

I always had very clear lines between work and family. I never had family photos or little knick knacks in my office or on my desk. Your personal life is just that, personal. I also steered clear of social gatherings that were not company sponsored. The ‘company’ is a cold heartless entity. You owe it nothing more than doing a good job, because in the end you are nothing more than an employee.

[bigthangz]

~20:01~ The odd parent's jealousy of their kids is something people WIL ONLY UNDERSTAND IF ONLY they have EXPERIENCED it.

Most ppl are happy-go-lucky & believe that ALL parents want u to reach 'your full potential'

[williamjohn]

I am 63 years of age and come from a working class background where people were relatively poor. I went on to graduate and technically enter into the middle class. My observations are that the middle class obsession of validation from achievement are the problem. You are what you have achieved. This means people are more obsessed with doing things and achieving goals than emotionally connecting.
In the old working class communities people may not have had as much materially, but there was a wider family and community which meant there as always support and a sense of belonging.
If you are constantly striving to achieve you never stay still long enough to enjoy what you have.
The famous saying that sums it up is "nobody ever dies saying I wish I stayed longer in the office. "

[chrism]

I had a boss constantly talk about our team being a family. I dont think my dad would lie about me, destroy my reputation and have me fired. The minute people hear this kind of talk, be aware, you are being manipulated and it is pure evil. They are not even friends, they are work colleagues at best. Treat them as such and never share your personal life with anyone at work. It’s just all downside.

[nataliaderkach]

There is nothing quite as therapeutic, humbling and tremendously soul soothing as listening to anything that Alain de Botton has to say ❤️

[misteroz]

41:00 About this time last year, I started keeping a journal of things that pleased me and things that irritated me. It was exceedingly useful.

[Southeastasiantraveler]

What an excellent discussion. I have a brother who has been a chronic underachiever his whole life, and I have always felt I need to pull back when I got too far ahead of him. I also had reasonably supportive parents, but was given subtle clues that I should not get too far ahead of them in wealth or social status. The result has been that after 70years of life, I have exceeded my family members in wealth and status, but not by too much.

[petrichor]

When I go to any social event with wealthy friends, when I'm introduced to anyone, I get told of their success and what company they run or have just sold and then they name check other successful people.
It's stultifying, no question of what they are like as humans, only wealth counts.
Lost rich children are the result.

[janellesamuels]

I remember the first time I read Status Anxiety. I didnt understand the title, I thought it was some psychological thriller. Then I read it and my mind was blown. I was working as a lowly medical worker and I understood that it was status I was craving from my job. Something I’d never get in healthcare outside of being a top doctor/surgeon.

[ookookook]

Remote work is a broad brush. As a software engineer we are on Microsoft Teams...ALL...DAY....LONG talking to people, communicating via chat, having meetings. The best time of the day is getting to work in quiet in your IDE. The main benefits that you are missing is the commute time, commute stress, and wear-and-tear on your vehicle goes away. I am a huge proponent of remote work.

[vira]

Alain de Botton is always a a pleasure.

[MyMaya]

Alain De Botton and the school of life have helped me so much. Thank you for posting this and to Alain for attending.

[TheAlobar]

Alain de Botton is incredible, as always. Everything he said in this interview really resonated with me. I think Harry’s questions were a bit on the simpler side, but I could tell he was genuinely trying to find answers for himself, which made it feel honest and relatable. It might not have been the most intellectual conversation, but for a lot of people, those are exactly the kinds of questions we’re struggling with, so it worked. Alain’s ability to make these big ideas so accessible is what makes him one of my idols.

If I had the chance, I’d love to ask him: How do you reconcile the pursuit of big ambitions, like creating innovative products or building a meaningful business, with the idea of staying present and finding contentment in the moment, especially when the drive for achievement is tied to deeper emotional needs or past insecurities?

[aswithinsowithout]

I would add that it is up to us to create the meaning out of anything that we do. It can be more difficult to feel like you are serving your family by loading and unloading the dishwasher. And it might feel more meaningful to stand at the sink and wash and dry each dish carefully. That is up to you. I choose to believe that Everything I do in my day is in service of my main goal, which is to serve my family as a wife and mother. And so I find joy in every little task. Or at least I try to. Lol. I have other artistic pursuits, as well. But I have found that the most joy comes from assigning Noble meaning to mundane tasks and really believing that.

[lionelmora]

@20VC / Harry, this one goes straight to my top 3 episodes ever! Such an amazing idea to have brought someone like Alain de Botton on the show… it brings a lot of depth and fresh views on many of the usual entrepreneurship topics. Awesome. Thank you!