I’m Feeling Guilty About Leaving My Elderly Parents (Should We Move?)

I’m Feeling Guilty About Leaving My Elderly Parents (Should We Move?)

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[Mmvexxx]

I had to move back in with my parents to look after my dad. He was diagnosed with ALS about 6 months ago. Granted I’m 29 I still have a lot of life left, I don’t mind one bit. I’m cherishing the time I have left with him bc I know he won’t be around forever

[donnaallgaier-lamberti]

I am age 70, my husband is age 76-we are a second marriage. My husband's adult kids have pretty much ignored his needs when he had cognitive decline. I needed their help with taking care of their father (my husband) and they pretty much ignored these needs. Someday I may need my two son's help. One son lives 30 minutes away, the other lives clear across the US. The one that lives close will help me the most the other will send money. I am working hard to make sure I have enough assets to take care of myself but life interveens and health issues are not always controllable. I can only hope they will rise to the occasion if and when the time comes.

[marycarricaburu]

I am 88 years old and I am recovering from a stroke. My husband died 4 months ago. I have had an estate sale and my house is on the market. I am moving closer, (not with} to my daughter who will "take care" of me when the day comes that I can't care for myself. I don't mean physically but oversee my care . I do not want to be a burden to them. Her parents can pay for caregivers when that times or make other arrangements. A parent's job is to raise the kids then let them leave the nest and spread their wings.

[turnovertheleaf]

I lost both of my parents too soon. Now, I am attached to my husband's parents and worry they will pass.
My husband doesn't care if we move away, but I won't leave them.
When you experience losing them, your views will change. Please don’t move too far! Family is everything ❤

[larissagonzales]

I am young and felt guilty moving 1300 miles away again because of my family. My grandmother is 92 and is in good shape although I see her declining. It breaks my heart but I will fly back as many times as I can. If my grandma or parents didn't have anyone I would tell them to go with me or I would find a job working from home and care for them. It's a tough thing especially when you feel dead inside living somewhere that doesn't bring you joy even if you love your family so much.

[whitneyw.]

Delony's response to the third caller was really good. don't divorce unless there are serious and unchanging issues. It blows up your kids' childhood and oftentimes you don't find someone better. Just lots of regrets!

[aundirussell]

I hope she adopts! my adoptive daughter is the light of my life, a senior in nursing school

[jennteal]

How is moving 40 miles away such a big deal? She's talking like they're wanting to move 400 miles away. 45-60 minute drive a few times a month isn't that big a deal.

[drperkins]

I did an excellent job of taking care of my husband with alzheimers at home., and I did resent it also. Anyone who spent years taking care of an alzheimers patient 24/7 and does not resent it is not human.

[jbr]

Dr John,
Thank you for your advice for the young family struggling with moving. You’re getting a lot of negative feedback on your advice. You are right!
I have a friend who was an only child. She had a wonderful husband and beautiful young children. She lived three hours away from her parents. After her dad passed away, her mother was so manipulative that she went to an attorney and had a document drawn up that she was not to be moved away from her home.
Her mother constantly threw guilt and shame on the daughter even though she visited her mom at least once a month.
She went through this for 11 agonizing years. She loved her mom through all of the pain. The mother recently went to be with Jesus.
Thankfully her family (and in laws) lifted her up throughout all of the struggles.

[Jozzie]

I love it! “I don’t know what infidelity looks like in your house...”

[Jozzie]

Good advice for the couple struggling with infertility, or anybody else struggling with it, just hang on. It is hard, you’ll have bad days but it will get better. I found out when I was engaged, at 17, that I would not have children. We thought about surrogacy but the cost is not feasible, went for adoption and because the home study social worker had some different viewpoints than us, she would not recommend us for adoption so we are childless, been married 16 years. We’ve gone through the grief and it can still be rough some days but others, it can be fine and fun. Be an awesome aunt or uncle. And you can come up with some fun super passive aggressive replies when people ask if/when you’re have kids like, “We’ve been trying EVERY night for 16 years. We must be doing something wrong. Can you explain it to me?” Or “My mom told me holding hands leads to babies but it’s not working. Do you know what we’re doing wrong?”

[imveryhungry]

Its awesome seeing Dr. John blow up and get famous!!!!

[ashlieelizabeth]

Everyone is saying it's selfish but I do agree with Dr.John on the second caller. I'm 24 and my mom has ALWAYS told my sister and I that she would never hold us back like her parents have done---she lived on the west coast and LOVED it out there and her parents guilted her and shamed her to move back to Ohio. She still regrets giving into the guilt and she is in her 50's. She has said she doesn't want us to take care of her and wants to be placed in a nursing home (her words). I have watched my mom my entire life caregive for both my grandparents, her in-laws, her sister, etc when no relatives stepped up or helped. I do admit, I will never caregive for someone. My mom was gone for ONE WHOLE YEAR taking care of her sister 10 hours away and my sister and I NEVER got to see her (I was 17 and my sister was 13). She missed out on a lot of things with us and sacrificed her time for her sister, who then later screwed her over. She is lucky she got to make it to my graduation. Caregiving is hard and very draining mentally and emotionally. I applaud anyone who takes on such a role but I personally do not have it in me, and my mom knows that. I will visit and spend time with a relative but I'm not putting my life on hold for someone else, especially for months turning into years. NO. So it's selfish to take care of you and to go live your life?? They got to live their lives and do whatever they wanted at their younger age, why can't you?
Also, it's hard to live in a location where you don't feel joy living in. It's just a matter of time resentment will build.

[TheEquiss]

My kids moved away for jobs. I would never ever want to live with them. If I get too old and broke down to live alone and “take care” of myself, I will end it. I will never rely on anyone else and I will never will 😅n the prison called a nursing home.

[arlenefisher]

We live in a culture that is so unlike so many others where adult parents are a priority. So sad.

[stargazerlily_]

I took care of my parents up until recently. I'm 46. My marriage needed it. We moved from FL to NC. Best decision but it does hurt. And top it off I'm barren. I will never be a mom. Never hear someone call me mommy. Or mother's day a child's sticky hand serving me horrible but cute breakfast in bed. My pain is great. HOWEVER. Surround yourself in scripture. Good people. Lean on your spouse. I say this because yesterday after Church I was so emotionally beat up. I screamed and wailed at the top of my lungs. Let it out. Let it out. For me I just take day by day. And I pray I can be a mother to others in different ways. My dreams of a family are done. I had to accept that last night. Like big time. Don't compare yourself to others. Just don't.

[rockingredpoppy]

I disagree with the Dr. on this one regarding the elderly parents, this world has become a very me me me world.

[vickimerritt]

Most elders do not want to ask for help, or admit they need any even once a month or even that they are lonely. Why? Because smart mouthed younger generation will rob them of their dignity, if not more. Sad, but true.

[MsKariLola]

What happens when the parent that needs your help is verbally abusive? But they literally have nowhere else to go and zero finances?