What if I Can't Tell What I'm Feeling? (Alexithymia)

Some people find it incredibly difficult to tell how they feel. Turns out, there's a term for this! Thank you @theedoctorb for inspiring & contributing to this video.

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[juliaf_]

"How are you?"
"Tired"

Idc if I'm tired of not. It's the only thing I can confidently identify

[violetxoxox]

If I had a dollar for every time a therapist asked me some version of, “How did that make you feel?” and I had no clue at all, I’d be rich enough by now to hire a full-time assistant to express emotions for me.

[HowtoADHD]

If someone has alexithymia it can *seem* "intentional" and super frustrating that they "won't" express how they feel/what they're experiencing/what you expect them to be feeling or experiencing when they really just...can't. Understanding how they feel is often confusing and frustrating for them as well. And the anxiety/pressure of having to can shut down cognitive abilities even further. Sometimes "I don't know" really means "I don't know."

[adrianameyer]

That explains why with EDMR they kept asking how I felt on a scale of 1-10 and I just… didn’t know? They had to send me home because it wouldn’t work that way. The other times I just kind of guessed but had no clue tbh. And when someone asks me how I’m doing, I’m just neutral. I’m always neutral, unless it’s such a strong emotion I’m practically bawling my eyes out, seeing red with anger, etc. Otherwise, just neutral/happy-ish?

[mistyrae]

My therapist said that my struggle with this was likely due to the fact that I didn’t have a safe space to express my feelings, and wasn’t really allowed to have them, growing up. But it makes sense that my adhd would play a role in that

[mcordier]

Alexa interrupting you speaking is an accurate representation of my brain disrupting my speach. Disorganised speach gang

[echobean]

I'm so fortunate to have friends who also have ADHD because they tend to get it. They're always like *eager head nod* "take your time". Or "I get what you're going for". Or even help me find the right words because I can usually at least pick the category of what I'm trying to go to.

[descai]

The odd thing is I'm actually very good at seeing the emotions of other people, despite not being able to identify them in myself.

[Noctuloquor]

I've always hated questions like, "How was your afternoon?", because I usually don't feel like I have any emotional judgement about it. I can tell you *what* happened, but I generally can't tell you how I *felt* about it. I just received my official ADHD diagnosis yesterday, and I don't know how I feel about it. I will eventually, but right now it just kind of "is".

[GeneLLynch]

This explains a lot...going through this today.

[random_programmer]

I have literally said 'I have no words' countless times when faced with those BIG emotions I have no clue how to process.

[bethlectic]

i've always said to my family and friends I need 2-10 business days to figure out how I'm feeling about normal everyday experiences, which is why it's very hard to manage friendships because people think everything is ok a week later and turns out its not... and how do you even tell them that after a week you're actually upset about what they said/did or that they crossed a boundary? they view you as needlessly causing drama. but there are people out there who get it, and those people are seriously the best <3

[GoADHDGo]

“How you feeling?” - anyone
“I don’t know.” - me
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
“I don’t know.”

I’ve had this conversation many-a-times.

[turnleftaticeland]

I experienced this for my whole life (until about 2 months ago) thanks to my ADHD and CPTSD, since my thoughts were always way up in the sky, swimming far away from my bodily perceptions. It was like I had just 2 emotions: “impulse being fulfilled” and “impulse not being fulfilled.” If I was doing something that gave me a hit of dopamine, I was feeling “pretty good.” If not, I was feeling “ehh, kinda tired.” That’s all I knew how to express. It was a very confusing and muffled existence; I felt like I had no control over my life and no idea who I really was or what I really wanted.

What finally changed things was mindfulness. Intense, basic mindfulness. I started by paying attention to how my mouth felt. What does it taste like? Is it comfortable? Do I want it to feel the way it does? If not, I would go and brush my teeth, and then take note of how it felt afterwards. Do I like the taste? Do I like the way my teeth feel? Is there pain anywhere? Where? In my gums? In my jaw? I would literally have to mentally scan across millimeter by millimeter till I could pinpoint the location. It was exhausting and required much more concentration than I felt I could afford. But with practice, it got easier, and I’ve now been able to brush my teeth regularly, shower regularly, change my clothes regularly, all that fun stuff we ADHDers struggle with.

And it works for emotions too. I used to get confused why I would suddenly feel nauseous or have a random chest pain, but now when I feel them I stop what I’m doing and pay attention to my surroundings. I think about the things that just happened in the past few minutes, the thoughts that have passed through my brain, etc., and usually I can pinpoint something that could potentially be upsetting me, and connect it to the physical feeling. And now I know SO many more of my anxiety triggers and have been able to work on coping with them. The same is true for sadness, anger, etc. I’ve even been able to identify more complex emotions such as resentment, betrayal, disappointment, frustration, fear of abandonment, desire for validation, etc. and been able to work on accepting and coping with those as well. It’s amazing how much progress I’ve made in such a short period of time, and it all started with tuning into the body.

[RenaissanceGirl]

Now I know why I always feel like hiding in my room and writing in my diary when I feel overwhelmed! Writing is my coping mechanism for processing my feelings and why I'm feeling them!

[historiansrevolt]

Honestly I think part of the reason I normally can describe what I am feeling is because I have always been a voracious reader. Reading people describe their feelings helped me steal words for my own.

[Yes_this_is_my_cat]

When people ask me stuff like: "How are you?", it's very hard to answer them honestly. Because I don't know. So I end up saying "Oh great, thanks for asking!" when I know I'm probebly not, but I don't know what I'm feeling. And that makes me kind of sad.
When I'm really mad, sad, happy or scared I do know that I'm feeling that way, but my emotions are a blurry mess.

[quirkyviper]

Oh my gosh this is really eye-opening! I'm someone who basically *lives* in my feelings and never could've imagined this existed so I always assumed some ppl were just *unwilling* to sit with their feelings. I'm glad to be corrected- definitely going to learn more! Thank you for making this!

[bonessasan]

I've always known exactly what I'm feeling and why. Drove my mom nuts that I'd have a huge meltdown and immediately after explain why...as a 5 year old. Knowing what to do with/about the feelings is what I'm unable to figure out. Which is also frustrating.

[ddryadd]

Omg, there's a word for it! It took me almost 30 years to figure out I can't figure out what I'm feeling. It's like double blindness. Thank you!