When You Want Children But Your Partner Doesn't - TWR Podcast #62

Having children or not is one of the most important decisions a couple has to make. It's a life changing choice and a difference in positions can cause deep rifts, but is calling it quits or conceding the answer? Can the difference be reconcilable? Will I or my partner change over time?

This is a common discussion among couples and one that needs to be handled with careful thought and consideration. To help, Pye and Dr. Glen discuss their perspectives on addressing this conflict and making a sound decision that won't lead down a road of regret.

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[lana]

I don't want kids and I let a man know after the first couple dates. It's not up for discussion or compromise, so they can make an informed decision if they want to continue dating me.

[clairenoire]

I never wanted kids, I've zero maternal instinct, zero desire to take over this role and I'm consciously childfree. I met someone and the attraction was instant. I thought we'd just have fun and that'd be it, but it started turning into something serious. I knew from the first date that he wanted kids and he knew I didn't. Soon we both started catching feelings for one another and I told him I'd think about it. I actually did, I researched, tried to picture myself with a family and even the thought of it would make me sick. So i just ended it today after two months saying I didn't want him to get hurt as we don't share the same values. No matter how much it hurts, that's a deal breaker and it's better to do it soon rather than later when the relationship has progressed and feelings have grown

[keylimeyogurt_]

I genuinely believe there isnt such a thing as a compromise when it comes to having kids. Either you want them of you don't and both are valid. I feel that this is an issue both need to agree on whole heartedly. I don't want kids and I will not change my mind. I'm having a permanent procedure to confirm that. Trying to convince your partner to have a child with you is not a compromise. I saw someone online say they'd "compromise" and just have one kid instead the two their partner wants after them pestering her. She didn't want kids at all. That's not really a compromise. Be upfront about your thoughts on kids always. If having kids is important to you, that's cool, but don't date people who don't want kids expecting them to "compromise" later.

[patriciamckay]

I have always been upfront about not wanting children. First husband knew it. He told my mother that he was going to change my mind. Lol. Divorce.

[elizakowalska]

Everyone always says to say if you want kids or not as soon as possible. But knowing from a young age is not always the case. When we met, when we moved in together and when when we got married I still did not know for sure. I still do not know. We talk about it sometimes and I know my husband is getting scared of missing out on something while I am almost sure I can't do it. Nobody had any malicious intent. Nobody hid anything from the other person. Hell, both of us could have changed our minds ten times over the 12 years we are together. People change minds. You can't always plan everything and "end things early if you are not on the same page", life is not this simple.

[Phillyfan]

This is a question that should be discussed before you marry. Before you get married find out if you guys share the same values. That’s more important than having good sex

[DiaryErnesstaDiAustralia]

2 years after my divorce I met my partner. I was in my late 20's back then. From the very beginning before we committed this relationship I brought up the kids ideas. Both him and I agreed that we wanted to have kids together (more kids for him as he has 2 kids from his previous relationship). 6 years i've been patiently waiting for him to come and be ready to have kids. Last month I gave him a 10 day tropical holiday as a birthday gift and that's when I mentioned about what if we start to plan to have kids this upcoming year. To my surprise he said that he changes his mind about having kids. Until today I am still lost. I really don't know what to do. We loved each other so much. And after 6 years it's becoming more complicated. I am so numb. 😌

[jathibaye]

I don't want kids. I make it very clear from the very first date that this is not debatable and not a thing I can compromise on. That is one of the the things people need to talk about early in the relationship.

[LifewithKrystle]

Maybe my sister is a rare case but she never wanted to have kids and her boyfriend did. My sister loved him so much that she agreed to having kids for him. They have 2 children now who are 12 and 15 years old and my sister and her husband are happily married.

[ccodzkp]

There is no compromise in this situation. Go your separate ways. I’ve worked with a couple of people who went the compromise route. Both relationships ended in divorce (post kids).

[AlissaChapman-chzq]

This made me feel a lot better. My husband wants kids suddenly after 2 years of being married. I am high risk for pregnancy and I think it's starting to put strain on us. I am only 23 years old and I have time. He is 25. I never wanted kids and I've tried to be around my cousins little kids/babies and I don't want one. The idea of a baby makes me feel ick?

[paferrodriguez]

I would like to know what will be the point of you guys, when one of the parners wants a biological kid and the other one just wants to adopt, more likely the women because all this changes the woman is going through, postpartum depression, changes on her body, doesn’t want to go through the new born baby stage either, wants to adopt a little bit older kid of 4 years old, what does the couple can do

[andreste]

Glad I found this. So many of these "having kids" videos focus on the dynamic of women combating the cultural expectation that they should have kids and while that is of course important its not very helpful for men who are in a difficult situation regarding kids.

I broke up with my gf who 100% wanted kids and I was unsure about it and that was ultimately the main thing we broke up over out of an otherwise healthy relationship.

[frls]

Glad I found this episode... Ultimately, children aren't really something you can compromise on. Both partners need to be on the same page about wanting children or not. I recently ended a "pseudo- relationship" over this and it prompted me to look further into the subject, but this episode almost confirmed every point I made to her. I'd made it clear that I didn't want kids maybe 2-3 dates in, she said the opposite. I tried to end it there and we didn't talk for weeks. I thought that was the end of it, but then she reached out, we started hanging/bonding ( I do take accountability for continuing to hang out, knowing our individual positions), and developed feelings, which is something I was trying to prevent from the beginning. Every time it came up and I continued expressing the same sentiment, she would get upset, every time. She got to a point where she said "Fine, I don't have to have a kid. I just want to be with you...", but that's when I began to explain to her that her "compromise" wasn't really a compromise. That her dismissive disposition on something obviously important to her made me not believe her. That conceding, on either end of it, would only end up in resentment. It felt like she was just telling me what she thought I needed to hear so that we could continue. I no longer trusted the situation and felt a need to end it - not only so that I didn't get trapped, but so that she could actually be free to find someone to have children with. I realize my mistake was continuing to see her when we knew we had differing thoughts, but IN THE MOMENT, it just happened. Definitely won't happen again...

[familyjewelz]

I have been with my boyfriend for 19.5 years, we are high school sweethearts. We bought a home together about 5 years ago. I love his family like my own. We both have okay jobs. I’ve wanted him to propose to me for a while now and I don’t think that will ever happen at this point. When we were in our twenties he talked about marriage and children. Now I’m 37 and he is 36. Still not married and he does not want children. He knows it upsets me that we are not married/no children. I love this man so much. He truly is a good person and I connect with him on such a deep level. I find myself being bitter towards him when our friends and family members get pregnant or married because for so long he said he wanted that and now he doesn’t. He is also a home body which is fine but I feel like I want to explore the world a little more if he doesn’t want the thing (child) that would anchor us for a while. This is all very emotional for me because we go around this world once and I want to make it count.

[whocanitbenow]

The partner that does not want children should be valued over the partner that does. The regret of not having children isn’t severe as the regret of having children.

[marks.]

On the subject of having children, the partner saying no has the deciding vote, because children can't be returned. If it means the relationship breaks up, that is what is means. Better to break up and go your separate ways than to raise an unwanted child within a troubled marriage.

[danikeebler]

That is why I never married. I was afraid he would change his mind or pressure me or deceive me into conception . There is no meeting in the middle on this one.

[labeenausmani]

It's my first date discussion 😅 do you want to have kida bcs I don't want. End up having break up on the first date itself 😢

[salty]

If more folks considered why they want kids, what they are truly able to provide for those kids, whether or not they’re truly willing to allow their kids to pursue their own paths in life and whether or not they can handle being “disappointed” with potential negative outcomes of parenthood… I think fewer people would actually want them. I think often times people want them because they’re told they do. I think they also use kids as a means for control over their spouse or some sort of weird social kudos card.


Regardless, children should be non negotiable. If you KNOW you want them, you find someone who wants them as well. If you KNOW you do not, you either stay single or partner up with someone who shares that lack of desire for kids. It’s really that simple. You can deeply love someone at a distance if you both value different things and let them find someone who can provide what they want