Why We Should Treat Our Partners Like Small Children

It seems like the height of patronising behaviour to look at an adult as if they were a child. But it can also be deeply sympathetic and generous.

FURTHER READING

"Small children sometimes behave in stunningly unfair and shocking ways: they scream at the person who is looking after them, angrily push away a bowl of animal pasta, throw away something you have just fetched for them. But we rarely feel personally agitated or wounded by their behaviour. And the reason is that we don’t assign a negative motive or mean intention to a small person. We reach around for the most benevolent interpretations. We don’t think they are doing it in order to upset us. We probably think that they are getting a bit tired, or their gums are sore or they are upset by the arrival of a younger sibling. We’ve got a large repertoire of alternative explanations ready in our heads – and none of these lead us to panic or get terribly agitated..."

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Alex Morris

[fabiocalosso]

I use this technique also when someone tries to "hurt" me with words, visualizing them as a 3 years old child keeps me calm and collected

[caesarali]

The problem is that I can't stand children

[danacampbell]

Yes--if the childlike behavior is rare. But if it's a pattern and you find that you are the only adult in the relationship, it's time to move on.

[OddSqodd]

Whatever you do, just don't treat children like your partners.

#jail

[giovanneayman]

Video about how to deal with parents maybe.. They're grounups but thy act worse than children sometimes

[sebastiankristiansen]

Relationship problems can arise from what someone imagines instead of facing reality and just talking with someone.

[edgestr]

This is how I've always treated all people I know or meet. It really makes your life easier and relationships less stressful when you recognize nobody sees themselves as the bad guys. On the other hand it makes you very good at noticing when you are behaving irrationally and makes you realize how you should behave and how your words or actions make other people feel.

[RichLux]

Awww what a good video I'm so proud of you

[R.P.McMurphy]

I thought the title was "Why We Should Treat Our PARENTS Like Small Children" XD

That would've been a much more interesting video though.

[McNuggets]

again and again, many people seem to miss the point of the video. Still great job SOL.

[bolivar]

After that German Wings plane crashed because of the pilot who committed suicide, I have heard an interview with a German " emergency psychologist". She was a member of the team that was helping the families of the victims. What a profession....She was asked how she was able to deal with seeing so much pain as a part of her "daily life". She said that she ALWAYS reminds herself that it is not her pain but the other person's pain, and this is how she remains "strong enough" to help. So she manages not go to bed with all those terrible stories in mind every night. But she also said that if she sees that she couldn't help at all, or couldn't do all she could do, then it troubles her a lot and she does suffer.
How interesting... It sounds a bit cold, but she certainly has a point.
And may be one could even apply to this in relationships. If you follow the advice in this beautiful video, you will be able to show much more understanding and compassion for the other person. But don't exaggerate that. It is also good to remember that whatever horrible behaviours he is showing, it all has something to do with him, and not with you. And ultimately, if it all becomes "unbearable", remembering that it is not "your problem" you may as well walk away.

This may be a good advice, if you are the kind of person who feels too much empathy and always tends to find excuses for the other person's misbehaviours. Just like that " emergency psychologist" explains us, protecting your own sanity is always more important. Because otherwise you really can't help anybody anyhow.

Thanks a lot for this very wise lesson and for the great animation! Many greetings to the animator's little daughter:-)

[sepehrjamali]

these advice are really good, the problem is in our generation there are not that many people with these kind of visions towards life and relationships.

[pepelucho]

This is one of the most brilliant things I've ever heard. It's amazing that humans stay human. That is not a slight. You look at humans as if they were humans.

[bradley]

This video couldn't have been posted at a better time. Thank you guys for your content.

[rebeccalovitch]

I am in my forties and have been seeing an amazing councilor who has just recently started helping me with my "inner child". I was reluctant for a long time. I hated that little girl inside of me. But slowly now I have been able to recognize her voice and behaviors. She is very damaged and angry. I am learning to find compassion, understanding and control. But most importantly love.

[slksrkhrr]

Children don't know better, whereas adults do.

[ChiMathers]

No. We're grown ups and we have words to express how we feel, children cry and throw stuff because they cannot fully express themselves yet. This is no excuse to throw a fit.

[PeachPlastic]

Stop. No.
It shouldn't be up to the partner to try and make "nice interpretations" out of someone's bullshit behaviour. Adults should have (or work to acquire) the skill of differentiated communication, that's what separates them from children. It shouldn't be done for them.
Also, being stressed etc. is NO EXCUSE to treat your partner like shit.

[agostinonet]

What do I look like? A rational thinker?

[arkheavyindutries]

That's potentially one of the worst advice I could have ever heard. This kind of behaviour can lead to very control obsessed or abusive partners to get away with it, to keep on with their abusive behaviour and make it's partner's life miserable.
I understand that people should aim to be flexible with their partners, to try to understand their problems. And, yes, sometimes we do or say things to our partner that we later regret (or should regret). In consequence, we must apologise and explain what happened to us. But blindingly tolerate any abusive behaviour is the key that opens the door to many, many problems in the future.
We treat children like children because we are in the process of educating them. Mistakes are being made. We ought to be tolerant with them because harming or yelling are not effective and moral from an education standpoint. But in the case of children, we are there to educate as soon as a misbehaviour happen. In case of adults, we are not educating. We don't have neither the obligation or the right to do so.
Adults talk, rationalise and make agreements. If that's not the case, that person is not worth my time, and shouldn't be anyone's worth. He or she must first learn to deal with others. He or she needs to mature.