Narcissists don't respect boundaries. How does one handle this?

Instagram @petravandeijl

[jentommyontheroad]

The most difficult boundary for me to maintain is my time. Toxic people tend to want to take up all of your time. Setting a limit on that ahead of time definitely has helped and being able to say no is a huge part of it!

[TYGZus]

It's a never-ending ending battle to set boundaries with enmeshed family members.

[oscarmadison]

Very insightful, Petra. I'm dealing with a narcissist at work, and because I ignore her, it enrages her.
She has tried to cross my boundaries but I won't tolerate it from anyone.

[EWAMILENAP]

Since I learnt saying NO, I haven't been able to stop😍It's a magic word!

[MysteryGrey]

Second time watching this, a year or so apart. I'm getting better at seeing red flags and setting boundaries.

[leonaalexian]

Your videos have helped me so much, Petra! It's given me a lot to realise about my previous toxic relationship with my ex friend. She left me emotionally devastated when she told me that I'll never find anyone to love me, while making me repeat the words "I hate myself" in many of our supposedly "free therapy" calls. She ended up romantically confessing to my then crush, painted me in a bad light (by saying that I'm mentally unstable) to the point that me and the guy aren't friends anymore. It's been almost a year, and I still see her popping up occasionally on social media and within my circle of friends (I am still friends with some of her friends). It took me a long time to realise that I was in a friendship with a narcissist, and your videos made me realise it. She has no hope of making new female friends, and I hope she enjoyed spending the very last bits of my trust away, because I truly wish that she doesn't harm anyone else anymore. I'm working on myself now, and I dropped almost 20 pounds after leaving the friendship!!! Let's go!!

[zion]

❤UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTHBOMB❤
I dont think our greatest fear with setting boundaries is about the impact is has on others, but on how others perceive US.
It is very challenging for our ego's to ve seen as bad or as bitchy or as mean. Our ego makes us believe it is about the other person, but in truth it is about ourselves.

Another important thing that i like to create more awareness on is avoid using phrases as "I CAN'T" or "I HAVE TO" and change them into I WON'T or I CHOOSE NOT TO.
First of all they are not true, because everything we do is a choice and second is that using those phrases makes you aware of the power of your free will choices. By using these last phrases you step into full responsibility for your choices and it is a great way to overcome the fear of being disliked.

[MysteryGrey]

Once again, I'm dealing with a narcissist who thinks she knows everything and does not respect boundaries, violating them all the time. She is my neighbor and she invited herself onto my porch yesterday and then proceeded to come unhinged over something I said, yelling at me, sticking her face in my screen door to yell at me more when I retreated into my house and she then ran off yelling she hopes I have a fatal disease. This morning, I didn't want to feel uncomfortable going outside around her and I felt the need to make nice and apologize for my part in her getting upset(?) As I type this, it sounds ridiculous...why should I apologize? She did not apologize in turn and told me she was not gonna walk on eggshells around me and that we need to talk about it instead of text. I don't want to talk about it. I want to have boundaries. That is what I'm working on in therapy. This woman has red flags all over her and is nosy, hyper-critical, over opinionated and has inserted herself into my life over the past month or two. I don't know why I liked her in the first place, now that I'm thinking about it. I did want a friend and I did find things I liked about her. But now that I think about it, there's plenty about her that I don't like. I'm trying to pay attention to this and get what I'm supposed to get out of it. It comes at a bad time as I just found out I have two more autoimmune diseases, which is what she yelled at me telling me "no, no no, you are making stuff up". I don't want to be around her anymore.

[RositaHuff-yxbg]

…I set a boundary with my sister…did not want to talk about the past all the time….she could not adhere to it for 1 day…
I went “gray rock”!

[TLTthatsME]

That was wonderful how you empowered your daughter's boundaries. I pulled back on a boundary I set with my narc mom thinking/hoping she might have changed. She didn't.. She reverted to type 🙄. So grateful I can find a Petra video to recalibrate! Thank you. P.S. Love the having fun with "no" advice!

[anjaschmidt]

I love the calmness of your voice ❤️thank you so much for your support and insights ❤️ Always hitting the point. Good to see you again!!!

[terriwhalen]

Such a great point Petra. I wasn't taught as a child and didn't have a clue about boundaries. Now, thankfully for videos such as these, I now have and protect healthy boundaries. I am still learning but have come a long way.

[DockClock-rpro]

Thank-you for this.
I was dating a girl for a brief period who I believe has cPTSD.

She is in an abusive friendship with a Narc, and is a flying monkey.
Her behaviour almost completely changed when around her friends.
It is also sexually abusive.

Her friends are opinion bullies.
Typical distortions of truth, vague references to things with no elaboration when asked, and lots of moral grandstanding.

I asked for clarifications on things and tried to be open-minded, but it's clear they want submission and prostration; not dialogue.

The girl I was seeing made excuses for their behaviour and couldn't see it.

She was so open-minded and we had many honest discussions about different topics, which we agreed and disagreed on.
However, I believe I have been painted as the Narc.
She drew her boundary on not having anymore discussions with me.
She told me she wanted stop talking.
I asked why and if we could work on it.
She told me no, and said she didn't want to elaborate, nor that she felt she had to.
This could also have been because it was difficult to stifle our feelings for each-other.

I will not and did not push her.
She has drawn a boundary, but to what seems to be at the command of someone else.

I fully encouraged her to speak up and argue her corner.
At no point have I stifled her.
I fully encourage everyone to argue their point, but also consider other people's and reconsider when they may be wrong -- including myself.

Her friends have very radical politics, and I think they have manipulated the idea of boundaries, to shut down her open-mindedness and consideration of others.

She still engages politically with her Christian Conservative father, who may have also contributed to her issues due to neglect.

He also argues from a different position than me.
My views are based in empiricism, which may be more of a threat to the facade her friends maintain.

Outside of just the discussions, we had brilliant chemistry, similar goals, values, humour, wants, interests, hobbies, music, movies, etc.

It's very difficult having to let her go, but there is nothing I can do.

I still miss her, and I hope she figures out who she is, who cares about her and how to stand up for herself -- not adopting the views of other due to pressure, but because they are likely true.

[loraliecataldi]

Thank you Petra, you’re a natural at this. You have so much wisdom and the gift of counsel. You also have such a soothing and comforting voice. I have major sensory issues and some speakers while they have excellent content I have a hard time listening to them. Another example of a soothing speaker would be Dr. Ramani, I wish my mother had spoken to me the way you both do, she was always intense, dramatic, and spoke very fast. Again, Thank you 🙏

[colonelradec]

that is sad lol. thats the feeling I always got from my parents. that they enjoy destroying joy.

[RealLadi]

My increased boundaries brought more abuse inevitably complete abandonment
Once awakened and aware this contributed to my healing not exactly their goal but no doubt a win for me....

[Mcstalley]

This is very helpful thank you. I am watching it twice. I love your tone and the way you come across calmly.

[itstime]

I'm struggling because we are in the same household currently. Every time I go into a certain area of the house here they come into that space as well. What is it with these individuals... I'm drained...

[LedgerAndLace]

The paradox about being "allergic to happiness" (LOVE that!) is that many Narcissists I know are allergic to any REAL emotion; joy or grief. So they trot out superficial "think positive" or tell you to stop "acting childish" if you express real joy. Another aspect of their version of being positive is that it is tied into outward achievement. You can't just be happy for no reason--and they will be the wet blanket to dampen it! Whatever you're feeling, they want to dominate and control it. Happy? They'll fix that. Sad? They'll try to make you feel worse!

Something you said made me realize that their behaviour toward you is really not personal; even if it's a family member. When you stop engaging they will lose interest and find someone else to replace you. And it's not about the new person, either. Anyone who fits the role will do. It's kind of like being in a TV show and you think, "Meh. I don't want to be in a drama with crappy lines. I want my own show! And it's gonna be a comedy."

Always a JOY to see you, dear Petra!

[connylemaire]

Petra terug goede vidio blij u nog eens te horen, dank voor zoveel hulp en steun in ons helingproces.❤