Chris Voss: How to Succeed at Hard Conversations

In this episode, my guest is Chris Voss, a former Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) agent who was the lead negotiator in many high-risk, high-consequence cases. Chris has taught negotiation courses at Harvard and Georgetown Universities and is the author of the book “Never Split the Difference.” We discuss how to navigate difficult conversations of all kinds, including in business, romance and romantic breakups, job firings and tense conversations with family and friends. Chris explains how to navigate online, in person and in written negotiations, the red flags to watch out for and how to read body and voice cues in face-to-face and phone conversations. He explains how to use empathy, certain key questions, proactive listening, emotional processing and more to ensure you reach the best possible outcome in any hard conversation. This episode ought to be of interest to anyone looking to improve their interpersonal abilities and communication skills and for those who want to be able to keep a level head in heated discussions.

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Timestamps
00:00:00 Chris Voss
00:02:18 Sponsors: Plunge & ROKA
00:04:59 Negotiation Mindset, Playfulness
00:11:41 Calm Voice, Emotional Shift, Music
00:18:59 “Win-Win”?, Benevolent Negotiations, Hypothesis Testing
00:28:38 Generosity
00:32:46 Sponsor: AG1
00:33:44 Hostile Negotiations, Internal Collaboration
00:39:40 Patterns & Specificity; Internet Scams, “Double-Dip”
00:48:15 Urgency, Cons, Asking Questions
00:54:46 Negotiations, Fair Questions, Exhausting Adversaries
01:01:09 Sponsor: InsideTracker
01:02:18 “Vision Drives Decision”, Human Nature & Investigation
01:07:47 Lying & Body, “Gut Sense”
01:15:42 Face-to-Face Negotiation, “738” & Affective Cues
01:20:39 Online/Text Communication; “Straight Shooters”
01:26:47 Break-ups (Romantic & Professional), Firing, Resilience
01:32:16 Ego Depletion, Negotiation Outcomes
01:37:35 Readiness & “Small Space Practice”, Labeling
01:45:17 Venting, Emotions & Listening; Meditation & Spirituality
01:51:41 Physical Fitness, Self-Care
01:57:01 Long Negotiations & Recharging
02:02:40 Hostages, Humanization & Names
02:08:50 Tactical Empathy, Compassion
02:15:27 Tool: Mirroring Technique
02:22:20 Tool: Proactive Listening
02:29:48 Family Members & Negotiations
02:35:21 Self Restoration, Humor
02:39:01 Fireside, Communication Courses; Rapport; Writing Projects
02:47:45 “Sounds Like…” Perspective
02:50:54 Zero-Cost Support, Spotify & Apple Reviews, Sponsors, YouTube Feedback, Momentous, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter

[darrengagliardi]

As a lawyer I read (and later studied) Chris’ book thinking it would help me negotiate better deals. Instead, it went way deeper, and is turning me into an expert listener, which has helped in all areas of my life. Come to find out, the key to communication and influence is making the other party feel genuinely heard, and comfortable enough to open up to you. Aside from business, his stuff has made me a better husband and parent. Remarkable.

[jonmeisburg]

Here are 10 key points from the podcast interview with Chris Voss:

1. Approach negotiations with a playful, curious mindset. This allows you to see more opportunities and possibilities.

2. Pay attention to emotions - both your own and the other person's. Emotions impact our ability to process information accurately.

3. Physical and mental stamina are important in difficult conversations and negotiations. Pace yourself.

4. Try to determine early on if the other person is trustworthy and wants an agreement, or is just seeking exploitation.

5. Ask "how" and "what" questions to get the other side to think more deeply and reveal information.

6. Use mirroring (repeating key words) to show you are listening and get the other person to expand on their thoughts.

7. Be proactive in addressing predictable negative emotions - this can diffuse them before they escalate.

8. End relationships quickly and directly, rather than dragging things out. This is kinder in the long run.

9. Have self-care practices to manage stress and "dump the baggage" so you stay balanced. Humor and social support are key.

10. Small everyday interactions are opportunities to practice skills that prepare you for higher stakes negotiations.

Here are some specific actions you can take to improve your life based on the key points you mentioned:

* **Approach negotiations with a playful, curious mindset.** This means coming to the table with an open mind and a willingness to learn from the other person. It also means being creative and looking for opportunities to win-win.
* **Pay attention to emotions - both your own and the other person's.** Be aware of your own body language and tone of voice, and try to stay calm and collected even if the other person is becoming emotional. If you sense that the other person is getting upset, try to de-escalate the situation by taking a break or changing the subject.
* **Physical and mental stamina are important in difficult conversations and negotiations.** Make sure you are well-rested and have eaten a healthy meal before going into a negotiation. It is also helpful to take breaks throughout the conversation to stretch and clear your head.
* **Try to determine early on if the other person is trustworthy and wants an agreement, or is just seeking exploitation.** You can do this by paying attention to their body language, tone of voice, and the way they speak to you. If you have any doubts about their trustworthiness, it is best to proceed with caution.
* **Ask "how" and "what" questions to get the other side to think more deeply and reveal information.** Open-ended questions like these require the other person to explain their thinking and provide more details. This can help you to better understand their position and identify potential areas of compromise.
* **Use mirroring (repeating key words) to show you are listening and get the other person to expand on their thoughts.** Mirroring is a simple but effective way to show the other person that you are paying attention and interested in what they have to say. It can also encourage them to share more information.
* **Be proactive in addressing predictable negative emotions - this can diffuse them before they escalate.** If you know that a certain topic is likely to trigger a negative emotional response from the other person, try to address it early on in the conversation. This can help to prevent the situation from getting out of control.
* **End relationships quickly and directly, rather than dragging things out. This is kinder in the long run.** If you are in a relationship that is no longer working, it is best to end it as quickly and directly as possible. This is the kindest thing to do for both you and the other person.
* **Have self-care practices to manage stress and "dump the baggage" so you stay balanced. Humor and social support are key.** It is important to have self-care practices in place to help you manage stress and stay balanced. This could include things like exercise, meditation, spending time in nature, or talking to a therapist. Humor and social support are also important for mental health and well-being.
* **Small everyday interactions are opportunities to practice skills that prepare you for higher stakes negotiations.** Every time you interact with another person, you are practicing negotiation skills. This could be something as simple as asking your friend to go to a different restaurant for dinner or negotiating a salary increase with your boss. The more you practice, the better you will become at negotiating.

It is also important to remember that negotiation is a skill that takes time and practice to develop. Don't get discouraged if you don't see results immediately. Just keep practicing and learning from your mistakes.

[ClaraBowInThisLight]

The “gut sense” was my favorite part of this whole interview. I’ve always been able to tell when someone had bad intentions, even when they were the most well liked person in the room. I’ve learned over time to keep this to myself.

[mirapilates]

I think an episode on improving verbal fluency would be very valuable. Coming from the brain/cognitive perspective on how to improve our speech abilities. Very valuable in work and personal lives.

[xolanindlovu]

If I had listened to this podcast when I was younger, it would have helped me tremendously. Developing strong communication skills has been a lifelong journey for me, but it felt so much longer traveling it without proper guidance. Chris Voss provides a compassionate yet practical framework for difficult conversations that I wish I had discovered earlier.

While gaining confidence and fluency in social interactions requires constant effort, reflecting on how far I've come is inspiring to me now. Overcoming my natural introversion as well as other challenges I faced took tremendous perseverance to sharpen my skills and understanding. Reaching a place of emotional and intellectual wisdom despite obstacles showed me how much I was capable of.

While I can't change the past, approaching it with gratitude rather than regret has allowed me renewal. My experience highlights how timely resources, even ones now freely available, could have lightened my load back then. I hope sharing my story brings more awareness for supporting developmental needs in others. And that continuing to apply what I learn from podcasts like this will further my empowerment through connection. Most importantly, I am proud of all it took for me to become the insightful person I am today.

[RobertWadlow]

No way... a Chris Voss interview!? His book "Never Split The Difference" is a great read. Thanks for posting

[LizardOnAMushroom]

I wish he narrated his own book. It's been so insightful, but his voice is so charismatic and I think it would elevate the audiobook experience to have him read it

[lornadoone]

My Mom who works in baggage claim recently told me a story so similar to this of a customer she helped. She works in baggage claim for over 20 years, 50 years at the airport. She always goes out of her way for everyone and always has the best stories of making someone's day better. I really wonder if this was my Mom. ❤❤❤

[juliettailor]

How many top league university professors and research scientists who also happen to be a YouTube star display the kind of humbleness that Andrew Huberman shows towards his guests? This is what I really like about Andrew Huberman. His humility and respect towards anyone he thinks he can learn from.

[stijnnoorman]

Amazing to see these two together! This quote of Chris always stuck with me: "Body language and tone of voice - not words - are our most powerful assessment tools". Amazing book for sure!

[JGKorny]

This podcast is insane. I have not even dreamed about the combo between Chris Voss and Andrew Huberman.

[arjanioo]

The book by Chris Voss is absolutely amazing. It's really nice that he's now a guest on the Huberman Lab Podcast. I'll listen to this episode as soon as I have the opportunity.

It's great to see increasing diversity in podcast guests. Perhaps it's also a good idea to invite Nick Lane sometime. His books on the role of oxygen in the history of life, mitochondria, and "Transformer, " his most recent book, have deepened my understanding of biochemistry and physiology. When there's news about things like antioxidants or mitochondria in the media, I notice that it has helped me to better contextualize them.

[candacecrute]

I knew I liked Dr. Huberman because he's a dog lover. I value him even more after hearing him say that we should take care of ourselves so we can show up better for others. Brava!!!

[angelarigdon]

Dr. Huberman, your podcast has changed my life. The alcohol podcast convinced me to finally give it up and my stress levels went down. I can tell a huge difference in many areas. Thank you for what you’re doing!

[i.e.s]

Dr Huberman, you have such a warm personality, so relatable. It drips through reminiscing about “borrowing eggs and milk from neighbours”.

[connormoir]

andrew huberman is a great interviewer. He often will give a question in the form of a compliment its so good and makes the interviewee answer more openly.

[rjbarrett]

I’m admirative of Chris Voss, negotiation boss, crisis management, emotions, he can do it all

[Brandonfalcon]

This was so exciting Andrew is my favorite podcaster and Chris Voss is my favorite author! This is probably one of the most anticipated episodes for me brings my two worlds together!

[dame_nation]

You can tell Dr Huberman is tickled pink to have his guest. That smile on his face ! 😃

[patriciakimball]

“Thanks for the hypothesis test…You got a lot of knowledge out of me.” Andrew, you’re the best! Love the interaction between you 2. Thanks so much for sharing. 🙏🏼