The best way to apologize (according to science)

Explore what to do— and not to do— in order to deliver an authentic apology and make amends in a variety of situations.

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Over the years, people have come up with some truly awful apologies. From classic non-apologies, to evasive excuses, and flimsy corporate promises, it’s all too easy to give a bad apology. Good apologies generally share certain elements, and considering these factors can help you make amends in a variety of situations. Explore what to do— and not to do— in order to deliver an authentic apology.

Directed by Vitalii Nebelskyi, and action agency.

This video made possible in collaboration with Character Lab

A special thanks to Karina Schumann who provided information and insights for the development of this video.

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Thank you so much to our patrons for your support! Without you this video would not be possible! Jennifer Heald, Megulo Abebe, isolwi, Kate Sem, Ujjwal Dasu, Angel Alberici, Minh Quan Dinh, Sylvain, Terran Gimpel, Talia Sari, Katie McDowell, Allen, Mahina Knuckles, Charmaine Hanson, Thawsitt, Jezabel, Abdullah Abdulaziz, Xiao Yu, Melissa Suarez, Brian A. Dunn, Francisco Amaya, Daisuke Goto, Matt Switzler, Peng, Tzu-Hsiang, Bethany Connor, Jeremy Shimanek, Mark Byers, Avinash Amarnath, Xuebicoco, Rayo, Po Foon Kwong, Boffin, Jesse Jurman, Scott Markley, Elija Peterson, Ovidiu Mrd, paul g mohney, Steven Razey, Nathan Giusti, Helen Lee, Anthony Benedict, Karthik Balsubramanian, Annastasshia Ames, Amy Lopez, Vinh-Thuy Nguyen, Liz Candee, Ugur Doga Sezgin, Karmi Nguyen, John C. Vesey and Yelena Baykova.

[nisargparmar]

A sincere apology is the super glue of life. It can repair just about anything.
- Lynn Johnston

[harrydaplatypus]

A summary, cuz someone might need it:
1. To sincerely apologize, focus on trying to understand their perspectives first instead of making empty promises
2. After you understand, show empathy to that person! Especially if they're hurt terribly
3. Don't just promise but take actions to offer a heartfelt compensation

[keithauguis]

This is so nice of Ted - Ed To make a video about apologies. A lot of negative events is happening in our life and people don't properly and sincerely apologize to one another. It's such a fruitful advice paired with amazing research and amazing insight!

[plat]

The feeling when you're the one apologizing despite being the one hurt.

[Alistocrat]

Bro how did I actually get emotionally invested enough into the blue shirt guy and Marie's relationship that I actually felt happy in the end when he showed up to her game.

[DragonplayerDev]

The Marie case was preventable had he just told her his intention beforehand. If she's not heartless, she will, at worst be slightly hurt (but at least she won't have false hope of him being late, or worse, think he had an accident, making her stressed and worried, in turn making her play worse) or at best, encourage him to go, cause she also knows it's his favorite band.
Just don't let people be in the dark

[etherealstrawberry]

i think the biggest thing that gets in the way of apologising is pride.

"i feel hurt too, why should _i_ be the one to say sorry? why can't they apologise? my actions weren't wrong!" things like that can really hinder an apology. but honestly, i've learnt to squash that pride for just a second, to properly apologise. i only apologise when i step out of line though- if someone behaves badly then i will not be apologising for treating them the same way.

[nonamesorry]

Apologies are especially difficult when you've been gaslit (gaslighted?) all your life. So any time you made a genuine mistake it has been blown out of proportions and turned against you in such a cruel disturbing way you never even want to apologise ever again in fear of the other person turning this moment of vulnerablity against you.

[ubermensch]

Recent data suggests incorporating a ukulele act in your apology may generate increased sympathy.

[jickhertz]

"Never ruin an apology with an excuse" - Benjamin Franklin. Much needed common sense advice!

[wizardoffrobozz]

i was taught almost 70 yrs ago, a 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝘂𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗮𝗽𝗼𝗹𝗼𝗴𝘆 6 processes:
0) 𝗙𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝘂𝘁 what hurt them! 💔
1) say 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 behavior was wrong. 😮‍💨
2) say 𝘄𝗵𝘆 it was wrong. 😒
3) say what they should expect --this day forward. 🙂
4) 𝗮𝘀𝗸 if this is acceptable. 🤔
5) start acting right. 😇
... I hope it's clear --securing forgiveness is not any part of the goal. 😻😻😻

[kartikeygupta]

"Intent does not matter; only consequences"

-Kratos of Sparta, a calm and reasonable person.

[zoenavales]

"There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error." -Dale Carnegie

[klattalexis]

Most forget the last step, "Now what can I do to right the wrong?"

[oneirologic]

“It wasn’t my intention” is the one I hear most often.

At this point, they are not arguing innocence, but have signed a confession and are asking for a plea deal.

[ae-tmdg]

it's a shame this video isn't more popular because after hurting someone so bad I've realised how special an apology can be and how much of a difference a good one can make. so many people could benefit so much from learning a little about apologies and I genuinely feel better putting effort into an apology despite initially thinking I was the most hurt. it doesn't matter who's hurt the most.

[cloudy.matters]

After watching this video, i suddenly understood how good I am at apologies.

[s-viper]

YouTubers absolutely ignoring this video:

[vigneshwaran]

I am amazed by the way they breakdown Apology for accidental mistakes, non-accidental mistakes. The centerpiece of Apology and the offer of repair. So much to learn. Thank you for making this video and showing us the way to a sincere apology.

[MMMMatt]

Sincere apologies and sincere forgiveness...it's a critical life skill that many in modern society have sadly forgotten how to do.