How to Apologize Beautifully

***
You know how when people give you a bad apology it makes you feel worse? Here's how to apologize the good way, the way that actually makes things better.

This video is captioned in English, because sound level is a bit low!
***
I've got lots of info and links for you below. But first, PLEASE READ:

I am not a therapist or physician. My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in-person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client physician or quasi-physician relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.

*LINKS AND INFO:*

🟢 *Coaching Programs & LIVE Calls with Anna*

(I receive commissions on referrals & recommend services I know and trust)

[mel-tphi]

Thank you for another really helpful video, great advice Anna, I love your style and teachings.

[karenfreeman]

Not difficult to make an apology for what I know I have actually done. Its when people are hurt - tell me what i am, what i think and how horrible i am without giving me a clue what i actually did. They want an apology for that.

[lizadolittle]

Blaming myself too much or not enough, yup, that's exactly what I do. Love you bunches Anna! I'm getting better everyday, thank you!

[danherrmann]

Thanks for the info. I can apologize with no problem. As A Christian I must stand and say I am wrong And I am sorry.
God has his hand on me. And keeping me on the narrow path to heaven.

[hodrink]

Thank you. Such good advice! I’d love to see this - emotionally aware and mature behavior, relationship repair, clean, sincere apologies! - this, I would love to see modeled in movies/tv, where lots of people could see it and soak it in. Ideally, seeing it happening in person, in our daily family life, school life, work life… This video is a public service!!!
I love it, so spot on, so useful; thank you!!!

[amypola]

Long comment short, Ive made a new rule to not apologize while still afraid, ever again.

[evanfirebrand]

Taking full responsibility. I love this.
And thank you, Anna.

[howardcohen]

Can't believe how clear and methodical (but not unloving or "still" angry) one might be in this. Great to hear. You did leave out, however, what I feel is the last part of a successful apology: The making good again on something (that's what it's called in German) which amounts to a sum of money or activity meant to help heal the pain caused by the action for which one is apologizing. This might include helping out by gossipers anonymous or making a small gift or time-offer towards the washing of the car (if that was the subject of the gossip).

I also feel that more thought must be communicated as to the implemented mechanic of not gossiping anymore (and not just, "I promise not to ever talk about you behind your back.") - such as, "I'm investigating with a professional just why I did this in the first place so as never to do this, again."

An apology that's not accepted by the injured party - even with the best intentions - is not a successful apology.

Thanks for the video. Love.

[booksie]

Anna, your presentation style as gone from strenght to strenght. Its so cool to see you at, what seems like, the beginning of CCF, compared to now. Amazing. Thank you for continuing to show up.

[Arggggggggg]

I discovered your videos last night and every single one I've watched so far has brought me to tears. I liked to believe I turned out perfectly normal - just have made bad relationship choices (3 kids/3 dads, now married 18 years but unhappy, promiscuous), don't care to be around people, can't make/keep friends (women anyway - I don't feel I identify with them or enjoy woman talk), and have eating/weight issues, likely ADD, even felt like I probably have some degree of autism etc etc etc. Yikes. I'm almost 50, have not had a relationship with my father since early high school. Parents divorced when I was 4. I have confronted my mom about my awful childhood in the past and she did apologize although she didn't seem to think it was that bad (we're talking welfare, multiple boyfriends/husbands, violence, alcohol, drugs...). I help her a lot because she's poor, doesn't drive, and has no one (divorced 3 times, no friends). My sister moved across the country years ago and got out of having to help and part of my resentment towards her for that was also when she would post things about trauma, I'd feel like "why can't you get over it? It was years ago. You're not even here anymore, why are you still playing victim? We had the same upbringing and I'M fine." Yikes indeed.

[myoldfarmhouse]

That's eloquent Advice. Thanks Anna!

[angelapaul]

Another thing I do is to write them a letter….I can hang on to it for a week and give it time for my emotions calm down. A direct, face to face apology is better, of course. But even though it is very old fashioned, people really will take the time to read a note in a nice card.

[candie]

I've got a very negative situation and I don't know where to turn. I've been praying for God to give me direction on how to handle it. In a nutshell, I've been falsely accused. I've tried to apologize for my part in the matter, at the same time shed light on other parts, where if they would've known the whole truth, there would've been more understanding and not been so critical toward me. As it stands right now, they won't hear me out, they're perfectly content with completely ousting me from their lives. What makes it even more hurtful, it involves my pastors.

[TheQueridad]

Amazing Advice! This is what I've looking for. Thank you!

[Anna-snjb]

How do you deal with a situation where your bad behaviour was a (bad over-) reaction to something (potentially) hurtful that they said to you, but refused to own or explain when asked; and when you make an apology (and yes, a good one as described), they double down and say "good, you should be sorry! I don't usually accept that kind of behaviour."..? When it happened to me, I was so shocked that I said "well, I'm sorry it took me so long to apologise, I always struggle with apologies when I feel hurt by the other person", and she responded with "oh so now you're blame shifting?! You think I did something wrong??". We haven't spoken since, that was over a year ago.

[Primotutor]

Thank you Anna for your very helpful insights and suggestions. You are so good at validating. So supportive. This is off topic — what are your thoughts about DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) for those of us with CPTSD?

[summerwind]

But, how does one resolve a reactive conversation with the abuser who, for 67 years ( my age) has dished abuse but I still contact. Namely, my mother. Several months ago she asked to set a boundary that we would not discuss the past. Fine. I also placed my boundary that she not continue to verbally trash my Grandmother with her past issues with her. She never agreed to do that. Several weeks ago she injected the past into our conversation again. We were discussing current events. Her trajectory veered the conversation to her past beefs with her parents, who were my entire support system when I was a child in a home full of domestic violence. Then, her conversation launched into more disgusting accusations against her mother, my maternal grandmother. I told her to stop but, instead she decided to hang up on me. This is her ongoing response any time I call her out. She violated her own boundary regarding the past, and my boundary about trashing my grandmother. Now she will not make an effort at all to take responsibility or accountability for her actions. She has violated these boundaries before and will DEFINITELY do it again unless she has to make amends and re-establish her commitment to even her own boundary. I have tried to contact her by email. She refuses to respond. I don’t feel I should acquiesce again and take the blame for the blow up I did not cause. She changed the conversation to the past, not I. I made it cleat that I love her but I cannot continue contact unless she acknowledges what she did and vows to never do it again. I am in a holding pattern now for a month. She is very stubborn and has always dodged her responsibilities in any situation. Any ideas?

[wordivore]

What if you only think it got back to the friend but you're not sure?
Do you bring it up and apologize for it? I mean, I can't think of anything else being the problem, but the person wasn't a close friend prior to begin with.

I only noticed some changes in behavior but there were some other things that could be factors too. I've been really stuck about it because I don't want to bring it up if she doesn't know. And it wasn't a secret or anything about her.

I was drunk and said something obnoxious that was more of an insult I guess you could say but I was joking. I'll just tell ya the scenario.
I was walking over to a tee to play a round of partners Disc Golf. The group consisted of three guys and me, a woman.

As I walked over, I heard someone say, "Is that Patty? (making up a name.)
I heard it and then I said, "Nope, I'm prettier."

I remember the reaction of two of the guys and one said quietly, "Did she just really say that?" They were obviously shocked I'd said it. I however, didn't think much about it because I was in fact kidding.

Still I would not have said such a weird, narcissistic thing if she'd been present. And if she approached me and told me she was hurt by what I'd said, I would never minimize and just say that I was joking. I would definitely sincerely apologize.

I have repeatedly put myself in her place, thinking of her or someone else doing and saying what I'd said, and really delving into how I'd feel about it. And I just keep coming back to, "Well, I'm pretty sure I'd just think it was funny." And I might bring it up sometime if the op presented itself, but I don't think it would hurt me that much. (And believe me I am no prize to look at. I was sincerely joking.)

Idk, it just seems like it would make things even more awkward if I said something and then I find out she'd never even known.