How To Apologize Effectively - 4 Steps

When someone has hurt your or broken your trust, an apology can go a long way in repairing the damage. But a bad apology can make things even worse. Apologizing is much more than saying I’m sorry. Here are 4 steps toward making a meaningful apology to help restore trust and strengthen relationships.

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Disclaimer: All of the information on this channel is for educational purposes and not intended to be specific/personal medical advice from me to you. Watching the videos or getting answers to comments/question, does not establish a doctor-patient relationship. If you have your own doctor, perhaps these videos can help prepare you for your discussion with your doctor.

[stevencooke]

Apologizing is so difficult for me. I don't recall hearing them as a child, and I remember feeling so much shame when I was in the wrong that I was paralyzed. But of course you are right in that the point of an apology is mostly for you to acknowledge what you did--even if it is not accepted in that light. At the very least, you know that you have done the right thing. Usually, the person receiving the apology feels validated and appreciated.

[phillipjohnson]

I think getting hit back is the hardest part. Being vulnerable is a nightmare and getting kicked with my guard down is the HARDEST part to prepare for.

[tiffanyjohnson]

This was incredible. I’m realizing more and more that we just don’t know how to be peacemakers. Thank you so much for this simple, understandable, concise video. It was so helpful!

[TeddyLovesAxl]

I’m in a situation where I need to make an apology. This couldn’t have come at a better time! (I’m literally taking notes) ✍🏻 🗒️ Thank you Dr. Tracey ❤

[thelostone]

Ha! Sorry to say that, but as someone with parents who’ll NEVER apologize for so many things, all I can do is laugh and roll my eyes at the people who’ll never take this to heart. But I LOVE the advice at the end and I’ve stepped away from my family because I will never get the compassion and understanding I need/needed. Thanks for these videos. They are great insights into the human nature!

[TechieSewing]

I wish we were taught this at school and practised every year.

[rubin-healmysocialanxiety]

"Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people." -Carl Jung

[AR-qydd]

Great advice, but one thing needs to be part of the video: the analysis of whether you should apologize, already in the beginning of the video. There are manipulative and narcissistic people or even parents who should not get the apology but a more confrontational approach to their manipulative blaming.

[Missmay]

My dad was a counselor growing up, he’s retired now; but, he would always say, “one should never use the word “you” when you’re trying to either apologize to someone, OR (unrelated to first scenario) compromise with someone that is impossible.” Because when you use the word “you” in both scenarios, it will sound very attacking. One scenario is ran off by you not sounding authentic, rather blame shifting (back-handed apology) and the other is ran off by their heated ego.

[ThaFinn]

I’m on my 8th and 9th step in my 12 step program. So this video could not have been more helpful.

[Jordan-pfws]

I'm going to ask my sponsees to watch this video. This is how to start making an amends.

[chadrickshillings]

How ironic that I'm in a situation where I won't get an apology and have explained through my own speech and even live feed talking about my life and exploits in an attempt to help others as I help myself. Ultimately I had to just distance myself from people and it's rough because one is my brother with terminal cancer. I often say cancer doesn't only affect the body. I wish he'd see and seek help because he alienates my niece especially but, all I can do at this point is be there for her and hope someone or something will allow him to change before his negativity takes him.

[jhalfaro]

Over the past few years I’ve really changed my perception on the apology. Even going as far as taking “I’m sorry” out of it entirely. I feel that often an apology is not for the person who was hurt, but only for the person who did the hurting. I usually start an apology by describing this theory and explain why the words “I’m sorry” have a weird association in my brain. For the scenario in the video my apology would be something like:

Hi Cindy, I’ve been thinking through our last interaction and it’s becoming more and more clear that sharing your story was wrong. Even had you never found out it was in work private. When speaking about an issue with someone I often tell a personal story that helps mirror the situation that friend is going through, and now realizing how this has hurt you has made me recognize that rather than sharing stories I should have simply been a better listener because even though sharing another story might seem relevant it doesn’t recognize the fact that every experience is different. Cindy, I’m not looking for forgiveness at all, I just want you to know that I’ve really thought through what I did and that I am taking steps to make sure I do not repeat this hurt again in the future.

I’ve found this form of apology to be incredibly generative. There’s also something in taking not only accountability for my actions and also thinking through and verbalized g the ways I could have approached a scenario differently that really makes concrete my understanding of my own actions.

I’ve been working on putting this format of apology into action over the past two years and it’s gone very well. I think especially it has helped me not be uncomfortable with my failures and instead allows me to recognize them and find solutions going forward.

[purgatorysystem]

Great video... and the fact that hearing these "bad apologies" and "non-receptive parties" made me feel a lot of anger when thinking about my own relationships (past and present) is something to unpack with my therapist. It's amazing how many people think brushing something off means everything has healed.

[zackmags]

After apologizing to my ex girlfriend for every little action I took, this video reminded me that I was apologizing correctly and I couldn’t do anything else to make her accept it. Thank you for the reminder that I’m okay and not a horrible person who can’t apologize the right way

[justrose]

FINALLY 🙌🏼 A video I can show my relative who has done alot of damage in our family but just doesn't "get it" on how to make a sincere apology. Thank you Dr. Marks😊

[josephinejehoiada]

Thank you for giving us a sane standard for apologies.

[ozywomandius]

Wow, this is just outstanding, and I learned so much from it. I love how you break down the process of an apology so clearly and go over scenarios that could happen. Thank you so much.

[jf]

Wonderful! I agree with everything she said. It's frustrating when
I spend time and energy explaining to someone why I've been hurt, yet they never explain why they did it nor apologize. If I keep prompting them for days or weeks, they may mumble a one word apology, but I'm exhausted spending so much effort to barely get aclnowledgment in return. What she said at the end is true: limit your time with these toxic people. Find ways to support your own mental health, so you can live with some joy and peace of mind.

[WataOsas]

apology to those that get hurt because of my ignorance and those that get forced into situations because of me. they deserve better